HOLY & HORMONAL

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Hello and welcome back to Connor Preachy. I'm Steph Moore and I am with Casey Bryant. Oh, goodness gracious. Maybe you'll see some of this video that we've tried to shoot. We were just complaining about like that we think that this adds like 10 pounds.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

Oh or 20 for 20 for myself.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

You have been wearing like a lot of layers and bulking things.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

I understand that, but last week with the and I I'm trying to be the good person where I'm like, I love my body. I it is fine. I look great. I I still shared it. Yeah, you did. I still shared it, but man.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

Oh well, if I could just give you a little perimen perimenopausal appearance. What was that word again? Perimenopausal. Yeah, I know. Words are hard. Words are hard. Words are hard. My night sweats are out of freaking control.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

I started sleeping without a shirt on because I couldn't, I couldn't stand it. And of course, my husband rolled over and he was like, Oh, oh, and I was like, uh-uh. Not for you. Uh-uh. Nothing to do with let's get busy. It's everything about I am freaking hot.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

My husband, like, he likes to like, it was like just touch part of me, like my arm. No. And and I, we we moved to a king-size bed, I don't know, like a little over a year ago, which was fantastic. And I have a big body pillow, which is what I call the barrier. And I was like, you are not respecting the rules of the bed. When I it's time for sleeping, I want no touching. No touching goes. He goes, he goes, I don't care if I'm touched. I said, I care. Yes. It's not about you. It's about me. I am so hot. Anyway, I'm waking up absolutely freaking drenched every morning. It doesn't matter what part, you know, I'm taking things off. I'm like getting rid of blankets. It is, I'm throwing my leg over everything, just trying to like spread eagle. It is, it is, it is not pretty. It is not cute. And it's definitely not sexy when when when you know when relaying like that. I don't think they care whether it's sexy or not. I think they're gonna, you know, they're gonna try no matter what. It's true stuff. Um, but yes, I mean, like as I've, you know, been dying of my sweats, you know, I've there's been moments that I'm like Holy Spirit, is this you or do I have an increase of estrogen because I feel like you're trying to tell me something. It's true. Try to tell you get these hormones that are. Something is happening. Oh my gosh. Okay, so I I had an idea and I threw it to you this week of because we've talked about we've kind of came from like different church experiences, and one thing that I dealt with was really following not dealt with, that's not the right word, but I mean that I experienced in the kind of more traditional denomination churches is going through the Lent season.

SPEAKER_02 2:46

I did not experience that growing up, but because I live in the Cincinnati area and it's so highly Catholic, we all everyone knew about Lent, especially because fish fries.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

Yes, where we live, and if you're not local to this area, fish fries, I mean, like the Catholic churches have an absolute domination on Lent due to the fish fries.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

Yeah, and fun fact, did you know that the filet of fish at McDonald's was originated in a franchise in Cincinnati because of Lent?

SPEAKER_01 3:15

That doesn't surprise me. Yeah. Fun fact. I can't I even have Speaking of McDonald's set Stephanie brought me a diet coke.

SPEAKER_02 3:24

I know.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

Sorry. My favorite drink of all time, Diet Coke. I will find a way to go get it.

SPEAKER_02 3:30

Okay, so you, even though you're you are not Catholic, you still Well, I told you I grew up Diet Catholic. Oh yes, yes, that's right. Lutheran. Lutheran. So you want you so you started with the whole Ash Wednesday.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

Oh, for sure. So yeah, so I did the whole Ash Wednesday thing. Like I said, I grew up following really the kind of the church calendar of things. They're, you know. Lent, epiphany, you know, like all of these things.

SPEAKER_02 3:55

So to explain what Lent is, Lent is 40 days leading up to Easter, correct?

SPEAKER_01 4:02

Yes, it's lead it's leading up to Easter. And one of the things represents Jesus being in the wilderness for 40 days. 40 days is a big theme in the world. Yeah. So in my my growing up, the majority of even my mom's side of the family were were Catholic. Um, and like I said, and it was r really common in the Lutheran church too that people gave things up. It wasn't required, but it was something that a lot of people did. So I grew up and it was like whatever my parents gave up, I kind of gave up because it just wasn't gonna be in the house, anyways.

SPEAKER_02 4:32

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

I know.

SPEAKER_02 4:34

Well So like typically food, like always It was usually like food.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

So like sweets, ice cream. I gave up TV one year. Good for you. Yeah, that was me as a teenager. I if you haven't got that, I was a weird kid, like at this point, I don't know how else to explain it. I have always felt called to do certain things outside of the norm. But as I was thinking, the last few years I have not given things up. It hasn't been something that I felt that like I've needed to do. But as I've kind of struggled with this like whole community thing, and I thought, what what are you trying to speak to me, you know, about Lent right now? So it's kind of kind of going that. And I felt like the Lord said, I want you to give up isolation. Oh. What does that mean though? I think it's ba I think it's building on where I have been wanting an invitation for things and it's not happening.

SPEAKER_02 5:35

You said that multiple times on multiple. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

So it's I need to stop waiting for things. I need to stop waiting for the invite. I need to stop waiting to feel welcome, and I have to find a way to make myself be in the spaces and places because it's not up to somebody else to always invite me. True. And I'm a really good inviter. You are. So I feel really like I feel like that's probably the whole that whole Enneagram too thing that I'm waiting for someone to recognize tell you how great of a job you're doing. Not necessarily how great of a job I'm doing, but I'm waiting for other people to see the needs that I have the same way. Oh my gosh. Ow! Okay. That was I can't see this. That just hit my phone. This couch that we are sharing is against a wall. And she just rammed her funny bone directly. Why do they call it a funny bone? Because it's not so funny. It is not funny. I Darn it. I don't want to trust. I'm not gonna Okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

Okay, I'm good.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

Okay. Are you sure? Yeah, fine. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

Okay, well, you're okay. You're going on, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Yes. Well, that was a real poignant moment. Oh no, you're talking about going invitations and that you you are good at inviting people, but you're also going to I'm good at seeing the needs of other people.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Yes. And making sure that I'm checking in on them. I'm really, for the most part, very good at being intentional about seeing the needs in other people. That I think that's just an Enneagram too thing. That's part of the way that I'm built. Um I'm not saying it's just total Enneagram, but that's just my nature. Yeah. So when I found out that not everybody thinks of people like this way, it was shocking to me. And I'm like, I wish I would have figured this out before I was 38 because I would have a whole lot less hard feelings. Oh gosh, yes. But something happened in my 40s where although I had less of a filter, I had less of there were there were elements of that where I felt like I was owed something again. That now that I understood it, I felt like maybe other people were, you know, coming into their own. I don't know. I just felt like I had maybe earned space.

SPEAKER_02 7:53

Space away from people.

SPEAKER_01 7:54

So I felt like I earned space with people, but space meaning space to say whatever you want. No, no, no. Really? It was more in the the the community of people. I felt like I had done enough work that I was like in the spaces and then I wasn't. And I don't necessarily think I was removed from them. I think I removed myself out of comfort or discomfort rather.

SPEAKER_02 8:20

Okay. So what does that mean now in this lintel season where you This is what I'm figuring out.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

I don't I'm I don't have it all together.

SPEAKER_02 8:27

Okay, great. So so you are saying that God is telling you to get away from isolation in the in it while starting. Because I think Lynn one thing is journey. Yes. I think Lint, we always say, okay, Lynn, it's like 40 days, you give up something, and then as soon as it's over, okay, give me it all, but really it's it's not, it's supposed to be reflective for the rest of your life, right?

SPEAKER_01 8:48

And one of the things that I was reading in because we're in Leviticus right now, which is one more day, one more day, one more day. Okay. So one of the things that like in the readings, like that was it was talking about fasting. And one of the things, and I put it as my daily hit. So if you follow along on our socials and our stories, we we post that. I have always thought about fasting. I mean, probably not always, but probably primarily of me giving something up. Yeah, of course. And I have never looked at it is the reason I can give something up is because how generous God has been. The overall provision that allows me to give something up. And I don't know, it hit me very differently as I was journaling and praying this week. Also, can I say that I ran into, and I'm not sharing the story. So if you happen to listen and you're one of these people, I'm not gonna share your stories of this. But I talked to two different people this week, different stories. One had extreme church hurt as a child. Okay. Parents grew up in ministry, chose to like explore something else, a kind of a different, you know, and tried to go back to the church they were at and basically were shunned. Ooh. And then another person was telling me about her Catholic background, and obviously, you know, she decided that any church that was supporting poor behavior was not for them. Got it. And so both of these people have and their families, you know, have church has not been a thing. And she's like, well, that's not who my Jesus is, and my Jesus is fine for me not to be a part of it. And I feel like we we're seeing a shift in people that, you know, this whole thing of my Jesus. You know what you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I understand. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

I don't want to go too heavy into things, but yeah, that's that's going very deep because it really it's not my Jesus, it's it's Jesus's Jesus is Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

Yes. Not in any box that we choose to put him in. But we try to put him in a box. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 11:00

To fit our own agenda.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Yeah. Yeah. So I and I've shared the last few weeks that I have felt a real shift in me personally. I don't really know. Like I said, I don't even know what it absolutely is. I just feel like things are being stirred. I feel like I'm being prepared for something else. I don't know what it looks like. Because I don't know what it's I don't know what it is. Yeah. I'm just trying to be really obedient in this stage.

SPEAKER_02 11:29

But has God given you any steps? Is he so when you're when you're saying that I want to be out of isolation, has there been any clue, any step, any Well, can I tell you the one that I just absolutely blew it on this week?

SPEAKER_01 11:43

Oh, please. I'm so mad at myself. So church had a night of healing prayer where they brought a speaker in. Yes. Who was teaching how to pray for healing. I saw that. And I went not because I was seeking a physical ailment healing, which I do think in hindsight, that's more of what it was. Yeah. And I should have just volunteered for prayer team. That's that's what in hindsight I should have done. Yes. But I I didn't. They wanted me to do social stuff for it, but then in the end, I was like, oh, this feels awkward. I don't want to actually videotape people like receiving prayer. Like that. So then it's so personal. So then I felt awkward in kind of the situation that someone's like, I was trying to get a couple background shots. And then, you know, by the time I had done that, what what they had done was they were talking about what healing prayer had looked like. Now, I don't know if I've ever said the denomination I was a part of. It's not a denominator. It is non-denominational, but it was the vineyard movement. Okay. So familiar, unfamiliar with that? I I was just telling you that I grew up Lutheran. Then I, you know, that was the next step you went with. Next step I went with. It is non-denominational, but they had a uh a vineyard prayer model of the way that they taught people how to pray, which I love. I absolutely love. And was one of the things that I've really championed, you know, and asked, you know, of my current church that I was wanting more to be like that. And then some of the prayer volunteers we have also came from the church that I came from. So I knew that was how things like I have received prayer. Like I know that that's the way that they were doing it. Are you able to tell what the model is? Well, yes. I essentially I'm in it, uh I've kind of probably adapted it over years, but it is where you are giving a moment, you're asking what they need prayer for. Yes. You're giving a moment to listen, you're waiting to see if God gives you anything, then you're kind of going back in. You're kind of like, so it's it's you're praying, you're listening to see if God gives you anything, and then you're going back in. Right. There's there's more, but I mean, that's essentially what they were teaching last night. Yes. Or two nights, however many nights ago. And in my mind, they were going to organize it a little bit better. And they said, you know, we're gonna have you praying for other people. And I kind of thought there would be like, but by the time I did like my little social, you know, thing that I was supposed to be doing, there was it was people were like thick into the prayer. So it was kind of odd to like jump in. Yeah. And so I sat back down kind of in an in another spot, and I was like, Lord, if there's a place you want me to jump in here, just direct me in the right place. And I'm getting crickets. I'm getting nothing. And these are like large people praying, and not large people, but large, large groups, groups of people. So I don't even know. I at this point, like you can only see the surrounding people who are doing the praying. You can't even see who's being prayed for. Okay. And you're hearing kind of claps around the room, as like, you know, your people obviously receiving some healing. And I'm looking around and I'm like, I know I'm supposed to join somebody. It was so awkward in my brain. Not awkward, it was not an awkward environment. Let me just preface that. This is has nothing to do with what they were doing. This was a me. Yes. Like, I don't know where to jump in here. And and after like some time, I was just like, it was like 8 40. The thing started at 7. I was like, I'm going to go. Okay. And as I'm leaving, somebody waves, like, goodbye to me. Who was waiting for prayer. I know where she's going. Yeah. And as I am at halfway home, I'm like, you know, I didn't have the radio on like going home. I'm just kind of listening and I'm and I'm already irritated at myself. And he was, and he was like, You claimed you heard nothing. Yet you really heard nothing. Which is generally that we feel like the way that God speaks to me is like that and sarcasm? Oh, yeah, it's a little bit of sarcastic answer. Yeah, it truly is.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

I know I understand that a hundred percent. Because I think that's so you heard I gave you somebody and you ignored them.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

I have to say, I don't know if I ignored it in the moment, yeah, or if I just ignored God in that moment. You know, I I wasn't ignoring them. Yeah. No. And he gave you a little prompt, but you gave, yeah, I didn't I didn't hear it, I didn't feel it, and I missed it, and I was mad.

SPEAKER_02 16:29

But why didn't why do you think you didn't hear it or you missed it at that time, but driving it all of a sudden hit you because I'm waiting for someone to come to me.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

And that is like I can't do that.

SPEAKER_02 16:42

Now you're hearing God say, stop waiting and just go.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

Stop waiting and just do it. Yep. I'm yelling. I am so sorry. I don't think we're yelling. Okay. All right. So anyway, all this thing about Leviticus is that we are being set apart because he is holy. Yes. So in this Lenten journey, I want to be set apart in the shift, and I don't want to blame other people for not making me feel included.

SPEAKER_02 17:17

That's a big step for you. Uh yeah, it is. So I don't know what it looks like. I'm I'm I thought I I keep going back to that.

SPEAKER_01 17:25

So what does that mean for you? I d I don't know. Oh, one of the other things I felt like you told me is as and we're doing this this prayer, and he's teaching people how to pray, and I'm like, okay, well, this is certainly how I prayed for many, many years, right? Yes. And it hit me like this is not how I've been praying the last few years. Oh. Yeah. How have you been praying? Well, he just clocked me as a passive prayer. Passive. Okay. Explain. Okay. I wake up, I do my my journaling, I do my reading, I pray. It's short, it's not extensive anymore. I pray when people ask me to pray. I pray it is rare now that I'm looking at somebody and asking, can I pray for you? And that was my no that was so very part of my identity for 20 years. What happened in the last few years where I that is not my first reaction to pray for people? Not that I'm not praying for them, excuse me, in my in my quiet time, but why am I not like I was a vocal lay my hands on people pray? People prayer.

SPEAKER_02 18:44

I mean, you you can put all assumptions and guess that, you know, there's maybe hurt or frustration with jobs. I'm going for the Diet Coke now, sorry. No, I love that you're going for your Diet Coke.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

Well, my voice is doing something kind of funny.

SPEAKER_02 19:02

I love that you just put your butt right in front of my face, too.

SPEAKER_01 19:04

I hope we got that on camera.

SPEAKER_02 19:08

I'm sure that looks smaller. It does look smaller. It does look smaller. I mean, okay, so back to it. So, I mean, for the last two years, so you've gone through a huge life shift in the last two years from closing down businesses to to trying to start this podcast to trying to even find a job at at the church and they all just didn't work out. And so, you know, do you think some of that has kind of put your prayer life more passive than more aggressive?

SPEAKER_01 19:40

Uh yes. I just didn't realize it was I I knew when I was in a place of hurting that it wasn't there. As I feel like I've come out of that, it surprised me that I didn't clock myself of that part did not come back. Interesting.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

So how do how are you changing this? How are you going to be more aggressive instead of passive? Well, that's what I'm figuring out right now. I mean, I definitely need that. So you got two things. Yeah. So more aggressive in your prayer life. For sure. And also more aggressive in p putting yourself out there and not waiting for the invitation.

SPEAKER_01 20:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:20

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

That's two huge things that you're And this isn't like a 30-day, 40-day, you know, like this isn't what I'm saying is like I like I said, I don't know where these things lead. Other than just being closer to others and closer to God, obviously. That's that's the goal. Yeah. But yeah, these were, yeah, it it it has been a big week in my brain.

SPEAKER_02 20:49

It has been. And quite the opposite for me.

unknown 20:53

It's okay.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

I mean, I love that you're having these these big powerful moments with God, and God is very much speaking to you and and clearly telling you where you have kind of put him on the back burner. Because that's what it feels like. And parts of your life. Parts of your life, you he's full full frontal. Parts of your life, he's kind of been in the back burner, and he's saying, I if if you're following me, I'm up I'm up front all the time, 24-7.

SPEAKER_01 21:19

It's not that I have not physically shown up in the places. Yeah, no, I but the momentum behind me has not shown up. Yeah. So you're there, but you're not there. Yeah. Yeah. I I I'm gonna say I'm gonna guess this is not an I mean, maybe not as like to the forefront for everybody else, but I'm gonna guess a lot of people just show up to Sundays because they show up. Well, yeah. This is I don't think it's un uncommon to be showing up in places and not feeling super committed or super listening or, you know.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

I mean, we do it at work, we do it yeah at school. Hey, we're wait we I showed up. I'm here. Doesn't mean that I'm all in. Doesn't mean that I'm paying attention, but I I made the effort. I think that's what a lot of people say. I made the effort and came. So isn't that good enough? Not when it's not your full effort. You know what I mean? Well, yeah, because that's what God always asks us for.

SPEAKER_01 22:18

Yeah, this whole thing of, you know, like our sacrifices, how we show up, you know, like everything is like we're supposed to be bringing our best. And I think I it what I've been learning in this is I'm not bringing my best. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:31

But I but I'm hoping for the best to come to me. Well, don't we all want? And maybe that's the the aha for me too is I am definitely not bringing my best. I am I am cruising through life right now.

SPEAKER_01 22:46

I am too. And there's something about kind of this age that I'm like, if I look at where, and I'm because we talked about death last week and you know, kind of like this kind of age thing, and where you were talking about, and I think it was so smart to, you know, like preparing as you know, the next generation ages in my head, and I was like, I have had a lot of people in my family that 80-year mark is if you're lucky, you meet it. Same. And if we look at this, you know, I think I in my brain growing up, 50 was that like that's midlife. Which it really isn't. And it's not. And so if I'm looking at what does my if I'm in my second half, which just sounds crazy to me, what do I want this to look like?

SPEAKER_02 23:36

And is it different because in our second half, like we've done all the things for the most part, raised our kids, still raising, still raising, but for the most part, you know, our kids are much older, they're way more self-sufficient, they don't need us as much. Like Doug and I, when Faith is out with a friend, she has a sleepover or whatever, and we're we're having dinner by ourselves, sitting at the kitchen table or whatever counter island, whatever you want to call it, having dinner, he looks at me every time he's like, So this is what our life's gonna be. Just you and me.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

Yeah, it's weird.

SPEAKER_02 24:09

And I'm like, yup. And how do you continue to carry on conversations when it's with the same person? So we always we just laugh, we laugh about it. But I mean, that's reality of it's soon, it's just gonna be him, him and I. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:26

I just I'm and so when you're talking about you know the second half of our life, what does what does that mean? Because we're close to being done with all the things that we were supposed to do. Right? Grow up, you go to college, you get married, you have kids, you raise your kids, and now your kids are gone. And now it's now now what? I mean, and we and I've taught and I've talked about this, especially women in ministry. Like, what does that mean for us now?

SPEAKER_01 24:55

I think what yeah, I think what you're saying is there's a lot of things that are reduced in our life, but we don't feel done. Yes, I definitely don't feel done. I don't even know what that means though. I I don't know. I don't know, but what I can tell you is I want to be refined.

SPEAKER_02 25:15

And I want to be reduced. No, I love that you said you want to be refined and not reduced. Because I I I who I am is who I am and who God created me to be. And I love that you said you want a God to refine you.

SPEAKER_01 25:31

Well, yeah. I mean, if there's anything, I mean certainly feeling enough heat from my hot flashes and night sweats. Refinement comes in heat there, but the pressure cooker of life feels like heat. Oh, of course it does. Yeah. But I have let pressures of life refine me right now, and this is not where I want my source of refinement to be from. Oh.

SPEAKER_02 25:57

I think we all have. Yeah. If you say that the pressures of life completely refine us and define who we are.

SPEAKER_01 26:05

But that's not who I want the definition of me to be. That's a lovely face if we got that on the camera of yours.

SPEAKER_02 26:15

That's that's me. That's me processing. Processing.

SPEAKER_01 26:19

I know it's a lot. It no, it is a lot. Oh, you want to hear this? Is I don't know if this is a sidetrack or not, but do you want to hear the other thing that God told me this morning as I'm driving Abby to dance this morning? She, our interactions this morning have been tense. She's 13. Love that phrase. It's a really beautiful time. As I have a 12-year-old, so I'm there with you. So she has always wanted to get to dance early because she liked to stretch and do all of her stuff. And so we've always left the house at 9 a.m., maybe a few minutes before, because she wants to be the first one there. So at like 5 till 9, I'm like, you know what's ready? You know, I'm just kind of knocking on our door, really haven't seen her. And she was like, Yeah. And I'm like, okay, you know, just looking for an answer, not some attitude. And so I'm like, okay, well, then we're at like 9 10. I'm like, okay, you and I were gonna meet at 9 30. So I'm like, we haven't left yet, and she's doing whatever, moseying around. And I was like, Do we not need to be somewhere? She was like, No. Oh. I told you my schedule, and I'm like, okay, we're gonna back off. Do not approach the wild animal. It's, you know, I don't know what's happening here, but it's it's a lot. And so we get, you know, finally get to the car, and she is not really speaking to me. I I say one thing to her and she snaps at me again. Oh. And I'm like, you know what? The joys of raising a teenage daughter. I looked at her and I was like, you know what? I do a pretty good job at catering to you and your moods. But you live in this world, you live in this life. We are in a family and we have to communicate. And that doesn't mean everything's being said to you is something you need to be automatically offended by. And almost as it flew out of my mouth, and I felt like God was like, Yeah, you too. Oh not everything is offensive. Yeah. And there are things that I'm taking a lot. I take things personally. I'm a sensitive person. I take things personally a lot. I'm not like yapping back at necessarily my family about it, but I've definitely yapped back a god of like my feelings are hurt. What do I do with this? You know, this isn't I wouldn't, I felt like you asked me to do this. I did this. I don't know if this is what I would have done if I would have known this would have been the outcome. True story. Yeah. So, but yeah, when I was like, what I'm telling her, I was like, you know, like not everything is offensive, not everything is personal. Sometimes you just have to keep moving. And yeah. God was like, colour that for yourself.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

No, God, because that's not for me. It's for my daughter. Then he says, You're my daughter too.

SPEAKER_01 29:09

Oh, yeah. So in this shift, this like desire to be refined. Because I'm being refined here, we're being refined no matter what. Yeah, it's true. So I want to align myself so I'm being refined. By God. By God. And not the pressures of the world. 100%.

SPEAKER_02 29:31

Casey is still taking so much of this in. I really, I am, I am processing because I I mean, I've I've said this multiple times. I'm in a season where I'm just like skating through life. No, no, I am like, I just said I don't want to lead anything. I I you know work is work and I leave and I I spend time with Jesus in in the morning, and that that is my my life. And I I know I am skating. I know that I am just chilling out, and I know I know that's not where I was supposed to be.

SPEAKER_01 30:14

That's what I was going to ask.

SPEAKER_02 30:16

But that's where I am right now. And I so I don't know if God is waiting for me to finally be like, okay, this is enough. Okay, God, give it to me. I'm ready.

SPEAKER_01 30:30

And I don't know enough if it necessarily means like you have to jump into leadership or you have to jump into, you know, I don't know, I don't know what it is.

SPEAKER_02 30:37

I mean, there's even things at work where I'm I'm copied on emails regarding, hey, we're gonna try this. What are your thoughts and ideas? And I what trust me, I have lots of thoughts and ideas and because it's who I am and you know, things that they're doing might not be the things that I that I'm like, yeah, it's probably not the best thing to do. This is what how I do it, but I keep my mouth shut.

SPEAKER_01 30:56

Yeah, I don't know how God decided to create people who are both sensitive and with strong personalities.

unknown 31:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:04

Which I feel like we both land right there in there. And so, and and there are things at work where I'm I'm being asked my opinion and I don't say it because I'm like, I don't want to get involved. Like there's you know, drama between, you know, people and they're like, you need and I'm like, Nope. Even if I agree one way or the other, or if I see some things, and and one thing that I have said to to one of my coworkers is like, I understand and I and I totally get it, and everything right now feels like it's based on emotions, and so until there's facts, I'm not saying anything. Because as yeah, not just females, but I'm also a very emotional person, and that's one thing that God has taught me that okay, sometimes you need to leave your emotions, especially in the workplace, out of it. Yeah. And so I I'm I'm getting really good at that. I mean, like, eh, I this this I don't need to be involved in this.

SPEAKER_01 32:04

Well, but also, okay, so if I bring it back to holiness is not about being is not about our emotions.

SPEAKER_02 32:11

No, it is not. But I want to make it like in my past, I mean, my emotions have played a big part of of how I reacted with my with my you know former, you know, not well, just in in past work places, my emotions have played a huge role. Where if I got called out for something, I immediately started crying. And now if I okay, okay, great.

SPEAKER_01 32:49

But if we're looking at like trying to align ourselves to being holy, yeah, it's daily returning to that place of what he's asking us to do, who he's asking us to be. And we're building upon who he wants us to be, how he wants us to act, not necessarily how we feel about all of it. So if if we're looking for alignment and refinement, what are we what are you building off of? Because if you're daily returning to build I'm my faces right now have been hilarious. This is not me calling you out, by the way. This is like just this is for I because I think this is a good thing.

SPEAKER_02 33:36

God's using me right now. This is fine. It's fine.

SPEAKER_01 33:42

What what okay, say it to me one more time. Okay. So if the whole idea of being refined and aligned, yes, it and not being emotional is that we show up every day because we're showing up to be who God wants us to be. Yeah. Uh I believe that is to be building on something. Yeah. That is not just to skate by, to do the bare minimum.

SPEAKER_02 34:04

I want to skate by and do the bare minimum.

SPEAKER_01 34:06

I listen, this is where I've been. This is where I feel like God has kicked my ass this week and he's like, I let you do this. I I honestly I think And you've not been happy, but you didn't even realize you were the reason you're not happy.

SPEAKER_02 34:20

I I went beyond, I thought, for so for a long time, be you know, for what I thought God was calling to me, and it all crashed around me. And now, okay, well, I did that and it didn't work out the well that you know the way that I wanted to. So screw it. I still believe. I love you, God. I'm I'm I'm doing the things I I'm I'm reading my Bible, but I'm skating until you tell me what to do. And maybe that's my issue is I'm waiting for God, and you said that like you have to stop waiting and you have to to act, but I don't know what to act on because I thought I was supposed to do the things that I was supposed to do, and I'm not. Well, so here I am. Same with zero answers. I feel like we always have zero answers, and maybe that's part of the issue being in at the stage of life that I'm in, and I'm supposed to have it all together and knowing exactly who I am, who God called me. I mean, it always goes back to identity, who God called me to be, and I am freaking starting all over again, and that sucks.

SPEAKER_01 35:26

Yeah. I never in my mind looked at what this stage of my life looked like and thought I wouldn't have it all together. And that I wouldn't make it.

SPEAKER_02 35:49

Because in my mind, I growing up and looking back at my mom at this stage in her life, I am like, oh, she was she was a badass. She knew exactly who she was and what she was, you know, called to do, and doing all these amazing things. And I look at my life, I'm like, that is not me.

SPEAKER_01 36:05

I watched my mom when I was a senior in high school. Not my mom always worked, yeah. But she worked. She worked around our schedules. She worked around doing things that like made life being a parent easier. Yes. And my worked around making my dad's job, you know, like those hours easier. So when I was 18, like, I guess in high school, like she had like some kind of bigger, big girl jobs. Also, can I just tell you that my mom was a private investigator? Have I ever shared that?

SPEAKER_02 36:42

Oh, I s I want some stories. No, I've I did not know that, and that sounds so fascinating. Debbie P.I.

SPEAKER_01 36:48

You want what's worse? So the person who introduced my mom to this was my neighbor across the street, who was also a PI. I want to be a PI now. And they were it was more of a PI of like insurance fraud. I wanna Okay. I know. Well, I do feel like this is where I've gotten like my I don't know, I feel like I've got some of those chops from that. But I need to know what's going on. Can you imagine living with a private investigator and also living across from a private investigator and getting away with anything? Yeah, you're not getting away with crap. No. The one time I tried to sneak out, like she literally found me like right as I was like trying to do it.

SPEAKER_02 37:29

Oh yeah. I never sneaked out, I just walked out right out the front door.

SPEAKER_01 37:34

I I got away with nothing. I got away with nothing. And honestly, the things that I thought that I got away with, I pretty much told on myself because I couldn't deal with it. Oh gosh. I know. You snitched on yourself? Yeah, I did. Oh gosh. Many times. You're you were such a good person. Wow. Anyway, my mom, the PI, okay. So then she ended up going. So this was like when I'm like, I don't know, 15, 16. Yeah. You know, right when I'm trying to get away with things. It wasn't working. But when I was 18, she ended up getting a job and pretty much very quickly moved up. Oh, wow. I won't say the company, but she moved up to a VP for a very, very, very large insurance company. Locally, nationally. Big deal. And she became a big wig really fast. And there's probably a little bit of me that like watched my mom of like, well, my mom didn't really get it all figured out until her kids were kind of out of the house. Oh, so you still got time. But my kids are all spread out now. Like my brother and I were 16 months apart. So like us getting out of the house was a faster process than, you know, you know, still in the middle school, raising a middle schooler. But I think now I'm like, okay. The way that my neighbor does it, the way that my mom did it, the way that people I have looked up to doing it, that doesn't mean that's what it looks like for me. No, everyone's different. Not only is everybody different, like I don't I I think what I thought my callings would be would be something that also brought a career. Oh, same. 100%. And I feel like God's showing me, like, well, you may, yeah, you're gonna make money somehow, but that may not be what I'm asking you to do. It may just be the means to let you do the things I want you to do. Yes. Which to me, I'm like, God, that just sounds like multiple jobs. And what if I'm not getting paid for? But that's okay. But I I I yeah, I think there's a jet, there's there's definitely a jealousy in me of like, not only doesn't that look like what I thought it was going to be, there's not a comfort level that I see other people have.

SPEAKER_02 39:49

I I think we grew up, and we and we hear this all the time about, you know, do you're supposed to be working where you know, where God has called you to or where your passion is. And so all of a sudden when you're in a job where none of that is true, you do have to look at it differently of like, okay, maybe it isn't my passion job, but it is giving me the the money to do what God's called me to do.

SPEAKER_01 40:16

Yeah. And I know I've complained about this because I've had jobs that I've absolutely loved and been passionate about, and I've got to do the thing that are like, oh, everything is aligning, everything's aligning, and then it's and then it's not. And then I look like my husband, like he goes to work every day and he's like, I've never enjoyed one single day at my job. It's always been horrible, it's always been hard. There's things he likes and loves about his job, but his job is hard every single day. And he's not coming home with warm fuzzies. Yeah, he's coming home with high stress. I mean, that man got emails from the time he left yesterday. He got emails at 11 a.m. He got an email at 11. No, at 4 a.m. he got another one. I he got his his phone was ringing. He's a school principal, by the way. I don't I don't want that for my life. No, at 7 a.m. he was he was on the phone with his boss this morning. Absolutely not. Which I'm like, ooh, no. Anyway, that's all nor here nor there. But uh yeah, it's not necessarily what we look what I thought it looked like. And now I'm like trying to just I don't know. I think I expected, I feel like I put all the work in and then I expected to get something out of it. And somewhere in the last few years, I stopped putting the same amount of work in and I still was expecting something to come out of it. Yeah. And I don't know, it's it's not now. And now I'm also having these really fun out-of-body hormonal experiences that make me feel like an alien in my body.

SPEAKER_02 41:46

Yeah. So coming, so I'm bringing it back to the whole Lint as we're in as we're in Lent season, and God is telling you to do these things. So what are what are you gonna do? And I know you keep saying, I don't know, but I fully believe that there is something that God has put on your heart that you haven't done, or maybe haven't looked at, or maybe you're like, eh, that's not really what it was.

SPEAKER_01 42:15

Well, I mean, definitely I was really called out on the prayer thing this week. I mean, we're off to be called out after I've left the place. Yeah, it sucks. But the one person in particular I'm probably going to text her today and just say, hey, I had a miss. Oh. And I think that's a good first step of yes, I had a miss, and I I would I would like to pray for I actually assume the prayer was for her daughter, to be honest. She had a she had a daughter with her. I'd like to pray for your daughter for you, if you would let me. If not, I'll be praying from afar. But I will be praying. Yeah. But I think I need to admit, like, man, that was miss. That's a great first step.

SPEAKER_02 43:06

And uh I well anytime I have reached out and said, Hey, God, God has put you on my heart, or hey, I should have I saw you, I should have come up to you, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 43:16

Yeah, he literally put you in my path, and I chose to every time I have sent something like that to somebody, it has never come back as a negative.

SPEAKER_02 43:24

It has always been like, oh my gosh, thank you so much. I really needed that.

SPEAKER_01 43:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:30

And so even if it's late.

SPEAKER_01 43:32

Yeah, I know. Mad at myself.

SPEAKER_02 43:34

Don't be mad at yourself. You're still doing it.

SPEAKER_01 43:36

Yeah, I'm gonna do it. Um, yeah. Uh I I think when he put the word passive in my head, if you've become passive at prayer, I was like, Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. Now there are things that I have passionately and faithfully prayed for. Yes. But the amount of time I'm putting into prayer now It really pales into comparison to what I was doing. And also oh, and and I don't even know how I got into this. In my mind, I've said, you know, as I've been praying, like, you know, for your will, God.

unknown 44:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:22

You know, Excuse me. You know, but I but I but I've said things like one of the things that this guy said when I was like, and this is not un this is not normal. When you are praying for healing for someone, the answer is always yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 44:39

But it doesn't necessarily mean here. Yes. God does heal everybody, but maybe not.

SPEAKER_01 44:46

Does it look like what it doesn't always look like what we want it to look like? Yeah. Maybe not even. So when we're praying for things, if they're in God's will, yes. Maybe it's maybe it's happening here. Maybe maybe you're gonna see something immediately. Maybe you're see something in five years. Maybe it's a restoration eternally, you know, in the end. But I have gotten in the I don't know, that woozy place of I'm I have not been praying with the same of intention and expectation that I have in the past. Yeah. And I didn't even know I wasn't doing it. That's that's the crazy part. Yeah. Is I didn't even realize that I had gotten lazy in that area. I don't know. I was just mad at myself.

SPEAKER_02 45:32

Well, I'm excited to see over, you know, the next 40 days, well, at least over the next month, if that vigor comes back to you.

SPEAKER_01 45:41

I hope so. I mean, one of the things like well, even right now, I'm like, I have been I have shared that I have been, I mean, I've probably made comments of that I've been gluten-free. Yeah. And I have been doing that because I noticed problems in my own body that I couldn't figure out. I have PCOS and like I said, so my hormone stuff has been been going on for a long time. One of the things, you know, just trying to heal your body with food, you know, is taking things away that, you know, gluten was one of those things that wasn't doing my body any favors. Yes. So I took it out. I share that because my son has all of a sudden started having some stomach issues. Yes. We roughly talked about it a little bit. I have been heavy and hot on the trail of getting him, you know, like doctors and things being set up. I mean, my poor kid has to have a colonoscopy. Oh, he's 16. Um It's not the actual procedure, it's the prayer. No, no, no, no. And it just hit me right now as I'm talking about praying. I'm like. Are you praying for your son? I'm praying, but I'm praying for answers. I have not been praying for his healing. Oh. What kind of a mom am I?

SPEAKER_02 46:50

You're a good mom. But you're you're a you're a human.

SPEAKER_01 46:53

But in my brain, I'm like, I have to figure out what's causing these things. And I have not been praying for them to cease.

SPEAKER_02 47:00

True. Interest not true, but because I don't know that. But it's fascinating that God is is shifting your mind.

SPEAKER_01 47:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:10

Your mindset on how to pray.

SPEAKER_01 47:12

It's not like I don't know all this stuff. That's the crazy thing about faith, is like sometimes you think you're growing and sometimes you just have to go back to where you already were. Somehow you forgot part of it. So I don't know. Like I said, I there's been parts of there's parts of me that feel more like myself than I've ever been, and also parts of me where I'm realizing I've forgotten a huge chunk of who I am. And it's bringing all that back together. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:40

Oh well, you're you're you're a few steps ahead of me because I'm still in the passive.

SPEAKER_01 47:44

When I tell you it, well, it's been years. This has not all been overnight.

SPEAKER_02 47:50

Okay, I hope I hope I'm not in years, but also at the same time, I'm okay with me being passive.

SPEAKER_01 47:58

I I'm not okay with that for you. I appreciate that. I will keep pushing her, guys. Ah, I know. My faces. I know. I know. Got lots of them today. Okay. So as we wrap things up, I'm I'm just gonna say we're calling Lent an invitation. Yeah. To go more in, to learn how to be set apart, to learn how to be refined and putting our places to be refined by him and not by our circumstances.

SPEAKER_02 48:26

Well, this is gonna be interesting for me as somebody who wants to be passive and not do anything.

SPEAKER_01 48:32

Being set apart. Here's the problem. Would you know the crazy thing about all this is I have not viewed myself as passive in the last few years.

SPEAKER_02 48:39

No, I would never have viewed yourself as passive. And I would never say that I've ever been passive. I am now. But you've been in a season of being passive. Yeah, I'm totally okay with that, but apparently God is saying I'm not okay with it. Well, God said it I didn't. You 100% said it.

SPEAKER_01 49:00

Okay, I said go. Okay, I did say it. I did say it. But God uses people. Yeah. So God's using you. It's good because I'm glad because I'm I I don't I don't want this to all be about me.

SPEAKER_02 49:14

No, but I know this is not who I'm supposed to be. I know this is not who God called me to be. I am, I hate saying the word season. I am right now in a place in my life where I am 100% passive and I'm okay with it. And let me let me say that very clearly. I, Casey Bryant, in a season in my life where I'm passive and I'm okay with it, God is not. And I know that.

SPEAKER_01 49:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 49:40

God does not want me to be like just letting things slide.

SPEAKER_01 49:44

I also think if you spent time in talking about like, am I really okay with this passiveness? I would I would venture to guess if you really prayed about this and you really like examined this. I don't think you are.

SPEAKER_02 49:58

No, it's comfortable, but it's it's comfortable because I I was very aggressive uh in in in who God called me to be and where I thought I was leading and how he wanted me to lead and I got stomped on. And so I am now okay with being passive because I don't want to put myself through that. Oh shit. Damn it. Just brought out some crap. Okay, great. Okay, let's move on. Not about me. Number two. Okay. Well, I get it. I I I'm not showing up.

SPEAKER_01 50:33

The part of, you know, showing up is to keep showing up. Yeah. But it's showing up with expectation, it's showing up with intent, and it's showing up with the intent of like, I want to, I want to grow, not to stay where I am. I know. Casey is like she is. I know. I I this is not the thing is I'm talking about myself too.

SPEAKER_02 51:00

I know. I'm internalizing everything you're saying because I I get I I know why God brought this conversation up and I know why he's using you. I get it. Well, one could say he's been planning this for a long time. I would say that there's probably a lot of people like me who who have are who are passive and and are skating in life right now and are 100% okay with it. And God is just not, but he's waiting patiently for us to be like, okay, I'm I'm ready.

SPEAKER_01 51:29

Yeah, and maybe he's been waiting patiently for me too. But but something in this past few weeks, he's like, uh Yeah, he's he's done with he's done waiting like the the waiting, yeah. The waiting season for him is done with me. Like it's time to he's had to be the same move. He's had to be more aggressive with like, okay, clearly you're not getting it. No. And he wants you to be more aggressive. Aggressive, not abrasive. I need to, yes, Anita. Yeah. Cause sometimes I don't want to be abrasive, but yes, there are things I need to be more aggressive with. So in I don't know what it looks like for you. I don't know what I don't even know necessarily what it looks like for me. I know the first steps. So I guess for you guys, we hope that you'll internalize some of this too of where you fall. I don't know if you've fallen and this is, you know, you you were more aligned and now you've forgotten some things, or you're in a new place and you don't know where to go and you haven't really been putting much effort into figuring it out.

SPEAKER_02 52:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:29

I don't know where you fall on that, but I think we all fall somewhere on that spectrum. I agree. And we want you to fall more in love with Jesus every day. And I think to do that, you have to keep showing up. And I don't know. I really like that whole refine, not reduce things. I I don't Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 52:50

God's not done, God is not done with us yet.

SPEAKER_01 52:53

No, he is absolutely not done. He's not done with me. He's still playing a very important role. Anybody who's listening, he is 100% not done with you. So I just I hope you take we're gonna keep this conversation for a couple. We're gonna we're not gonna be passive. We're gonna keep building on this. Are you? Yeah, you told me that we're we're doing a whole lintel. Excuse you told me. I am how do you feel?

SPEAKER_02 53:17

I feel great. No, I'm excited. I'm excited for the next four weeks. I'm excited about the the Lent season and how we're going to use that and build on it for the next couple weeks.

SPEAKER_01 53:28

We're gonna figure out how we keep showing up, setting ourselves apart. And I think instead of giving things up, we're we're figuring out what we're going towards. Yeah. So, all right. Here's to some refinement. Yay for us. Have a great week, guys.