Is that what you think God said?

SPEAKER_00 0:04

And welcome back. My name is Steph Moore, and welcome to Khanapreachy. I'm Casey Bryant. I gotta be honest. Yes. We recorded about 45 minutes only to find out something turned off. Our battery died. Our battery died. And we did not see it. To be fair, the camera battery working just fine. Yes. But what records our mic that sinks to the camera was not recording, which means nothing, the audio wouldn't have even recorded on the camera part. It would have just been a whole mime show.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

I'm just going with clearly God wants us to record this again.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

For whatever reason.

SPEAKER_02 0:39

That's fine. That's what I'm going with. We did have some distractions because my daughter was texting me because theoretically, what she kept telling me, she what would happen if she orders DoorDash. I love that your 12-year-old using the word theoretically. Theoretically, she doesn't have DoorDash on her phone. So theoretically, she can't. She's asking this is her version of asking me to do it for her. Which I'm not right now because I'm in the middle of this. And you probably weren't gonna order 12-year-old's DoorDash anyway. Let's be fair. It's so much more expensive to do DoorDash than it is for me to pick it up. And I made them breakfast, so I said, hang tight.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

When Matt left jobs last year, they gave him these beautiful gift baskets, and there was a hundred-dollar DoorDash gift card in there.

SPEAKER_02 1:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

And he cannot bring himself to use it on the principle of how much more it costs. That like it's worth $75 on, you know, after all the fees and that kind of stuff. So he is, yeah. It's so so we still have that. Yeah, and if you don't tip well, you're not getting your food. I I've only used it a handful of times and it hasn't really been my jam. So yeah. Well, speaking of jams and technical difficulties and all these things, I will also say everything we put out there says kind of preachy. New episodes every Monday. Which has been a lie for the past for this whole month. I know. We could call it new episodes most Mondays. We try really hard. New episodes when we can.

SPEAKER_02 2:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

Because life gets in the way.

SPEAKER_02 2:16

This season of life is just you I to crazy. We have a lot going on. You have a lot going on. You have a test that you're supposed to be taking, you have a wedding that you're planning. So much is happening in your life.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

It's the tip of the iceberg. Yes. Those are the big things, but that's like all the other little stuff that's happening.

SPEAKER_02 2:35

It's a lot situating. A new car. She got a new car. I did get a new car, guys. She's so pretty. I'm so jealous. But I don't have a car payment, so I don't want a new car, but I didn't want a new car. I'm so out of the mom phase, mom van phase.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

I'm ready. I did not get a mom van. I got a Toyota Grand Highlander. Yeah, it's it's very pretty. It's so pretty, guys. I've never had this nice of a car. In the grand scheme of things, of you know, like prior to this, my son had a nicer car than I did. Just, I mean, the my it's always I we would always joke, like next time mom gets the the new, like the newer, nicer car. Yeah. And when I say new, I mean it's still used. Yes. It's a 2025. I had incredibly low mileage. It had 7,000 miles on. It's a hybrid, which I've never had before. Gorgeous. It was right time, right price, right opportunity. They were willing to give me more than what I thought my current car was worth, which was a toy to Camry.

SPEAKER_01 3:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

So I was like, things were aligning. It was meant to be. I'm very, very happy. I feel very blessed. Uh, I also feel very undeserving of such a nice thing because this feels very out of the norm of me having anything nice. But guys, it has tushy warmers. Oh. And I I have missed that in a car. My I had an SUV prior to this for many, many years. Yes. And then my kids were getting older, and I thought, I don't need a big car anymore. They have their own cars. We're never riding together. We're not doing all of these things. And to be I'm gonna be honest with you, like it's that made me a little bit sad.

SPEAKER_02 4:16

You know? I once I'm sitting upward, like in a like in a van or an SUV, because that's what I've had for the last, I don't know, 20 years. Yeah, I can never, I can never get just sedan. Because I feel so low. Like every time I drove somebody's sedan, mainly my mom's or my dad's, it's too low to the ground. I yes. And I think the semis are like way above me, and they're gonna smush me at any time.

SPEAKER_00 4:43

Well, I've become painfully aware, and I do mean painfully aware, of how low I am since I've started having shoulder issues and having to reach out of things. Even if you go to like a drive-thru, you have to reach up. I I will say generally it's the like moving my arm backwards. Like if you told me I had to do like a push-up and like do this, put a bra on these things that are like very painful. It is still movable and do all these things, but then there's something I think that I I can do very easily, like reach out and grab a drink. Or two. You can't see off camera. I literally have two drinks here. I have a coffee and I have a Diet Coke. I like to be I'm a caffeinated girl. You are definitely caffeinated. Can I tell you the bougiest part about this car though? What's the bougiest part? There's three cup holders in the front. Why? I don't know. I'm not saying I would drink three Diet Cokes at once in the front. But maybe I'm not saying maybe I would have two and I can have one of these big ass water bottles. It would fit. Yeah, that'll wala would fit. Which that would never happen in my old car. My car, it barely I would put it in the seat and then it would roll off, and then I would hear the clanking for the entire drive. Yes. Would I take one sip of water out of that? I would not. Would I down my diet coke? But um on principle, I think some people who carry their water bottles are not drinking at all. It's just for show. That's my opinion. Probably hot take. Hot take.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

And speaking of hot takes, as this is take two. Take two. But we did come prepared for this week. We were prepared.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

We were prepared last week. We were prepared for last week. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:25

Circumstances happened. We won't go into it. We just could we just couldn't make it work. Couldn't make it work. We couldn't make it work. So this week, here we are. Here we are. Still prepared. Still prepared. Edited slightly. Edited slightly.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

Because I feel like You know, life has happened and things have happened in our lives that we're like, okay, maybe we need to bring it up. And sometimes I think we come in like so like fully prepared, and God's like, I want to do something different anyway. And we go off track. And you know what? I'm not saying that's just our ADHD. I think that is also sometimes God's saying, like, there's conversations that need to happen.

SPEAKER_02 7:01

Anybody who watches this video can very clearly say that I have ADHD.

SPEAKER_00 7:04

Sometimes it's the other way. I have moved my body around.

SPEAKER_02 7:08

I just cannot sit still. And one, my knees hurt also, so I keep adjusting for my knees, but I do not sit still very well.

SPEAKER_00 7:16

You missed the last one because Casey did a zipper check to which I did do a zipper check. It's still good. It didn't do anything. Yeah. But I said, I don't have a zipper. And you know what I did? I made I opened my legs in a gesture. Oh, I just opened it. Totally forgetting that this is being recorded. Being recorded. So for the people who listen to just audio, bless you. For the people who are watching it on video sometimes and have to watch how awkward and squirming we are.

SPEAKER_02 7:44

Sorry. It's all good. Okay, so you've had an interesting week. And I think part of what we wanted to talk about is going off of the episode, our last episode two weeks ago. Because we've had a lot of interesting feedback. Yeah. I've had a lot of people who said, you know, saying, you know, I I thought I left a, you know, my place of employment or a friend or whatever in a bad spot, and I've just been thinking about it, or it's been more in my mind, and I didn't, you know, I'm making a bigger deal than it was.

SPEAKER_00 8:19

So I think kind of what we kind of settled on is sometimes we're owning a story that we've written the ending to. And that wasn't necessarily the right ending. The right ending. No, we just created the ending in our head. And so kind of like the the theme that we came up with is that yeah, often we're the villain in somebody's story, but we don't necessarily have to be. Sometimes we make ourselves that. That's by just rewriting history, just by saying things over and over ahead. Well, they must feel this about me. Yeah. This is the way it turned out. So this must be, they don't get the we're no longer letting people speak into that. We're just letting our own insecurity speak for us.

SPEAKER_02 9:00

And because of that, we tend to apologize very quickly for reasons that we shouldn't even apologize for. At least I do.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

I am a queen apologizer.

SPEAKER_02 9:12

I I will be in a store and somebody will run into me and I will say, I'm sorry. I know, and I feel like we've touched. But they run into me, but I I it is such a natural instinct for me to apologize right off the cuff.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

And there are definitely things you hit somebody with your cart, you know, and my kids knit me in the back, you know, with if they're pushing the cart. They better say I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 9:43

But then there's no fear like that when you're when you're walking in front of the cart and your kids are pushing the cart behind you. You know you're gonna, you know the fear of my ankles and the back of my legs getting hit is real. Because it's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_00 10:00

It's gonna happen. Even at the age that they are now. Yes. Definitely when they were little and they could barely see over the thing, they just you wanted to give them a job because they didn't fit fully in the cart anymore. Or God forbid, like this the the tiny carts that Crocker has. Oh my gosh. I mean, think all grocery stores have like the little teeny carts.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

Yes. Though they whipped those things around and they were hitting everybody and yourself multiple times. Yeah, it was rough. I'm kind of beyond those years.

SPEAKER_00 10:26

Insane, but they could still take me out, and I'm 100% sure of that. I digress. Okay. Now, apologies, not always bad. Sometimes very much earned, sometimes very well deserved. Yes. But it's the reason we're apologizing that is because are we apologizing because we just want the situation to be over and end? That's what we touched on last week, and that's where we kind of wanted to fall further this week because yeah, I think we do. I think there's a difference between peacemaking and peacekeeping. Oh, dive more into that. Well, I think I don't even know which one would be the right, the the right or the wrong one, but I think there is the keeping of the peace where you are just trying to smooth things out. Like I'm trying to like, I'd let's just, you know, course correct here. And by course correct, I mean let me take all the accountability for the situation just to make it go away. Yes. And then there's peacemaking. These are not official definitions, by the way. These could be flip-flopped. So if you were a life coach, a therapist, a grammatical expert, don't tell us we're wrong. We no, you actually you can't tell me I'm wrong. I'll fix it next week. Great. And I'll apologize. But I think there's a difference between like trying to just keep the peace and actually make peace. Yes. And if we're just totally taking the brunt of all ownership of all issues just to make things pass, just to not have to think about it later or have a hard conversation, I think we're doing ourselves a real disservice.

SPEAKER_02 12:04

But what happens when they don't apologize?

SPEAKER_00 12:09

Well, this is what I have kind of ruminated on for the past two weeks now. I think it goes two ways. I think sometimes we apologize quickly because we see something brewing. Yeah. And then I also think there's a way of apologizing where we're just keeping the the things in our head and we're not actually even allowing the other person to know there's an issue. Ooh. So it's not even necessarily an apology of it's an ownership of an issue in your own head, but you're not letting somebody know. You're creating something larger in your head.

SPEAKER_02 12:46

Okay, so you're saying like maybe someone said something to you, they didn't think it was very you took it poorly. Sure. And instead of saying something, you just let it go, and then you're ruminating on it. Even though they have no idea that they offended you or pissed you off. Yes. Sorry, almost knocked over a drink. One of her two drinks.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

I know, and to be fair, but I mean something like that happened to you this past week, correct? Yeah, and you know what? I'm gonna have to return an apology with an apology. Okay. I know. Because I I was wrong. Okay, can you are you able to do that? I wasn't even wrong to start with, but my response in it was wrong. Okay. I had a conversation, lovely person. This was not personal. They said something kind of off the cuff that took me aback, and me having zero poker face while I said nothing. I probably was very obvious that I could very clearly tell that they they hurt your feelings. It was a wedding comment and it was a I would never do that. Oh, kind of moment. And your face went It did. It was a how dare you say that? Not a how dare you. It's just maybe in the you're not even the same stage of life. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 14:14

Talk. When you're raising tiny babies and when you're planning weddings for those children who are not no longer tiny babies, there's a different set of conversations and expectations, budgets. Yes. You don't know until you're in the middle of the world. You don't know. And to be fair, I don't know what it's like to raise a tiny baby right now. No, because we're way past that. We're way past that. And life has has changed. So that when you said when it was just a comment that was just made so flippantly, and I do not believe it was meant to hurt my feelings, but it did. She came back and apologized to me through text, and I was in a very crazy moment when I got it. Okay. I was working. I was in the middle of getting a new car.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

Meaning I just got the new car. I immediately started working. Things were happening elsewhere. Elena had to, anyway. I mean a little emergency, you know, procedure. Oh. That had to happen. She's fine. Everything, okay, great. She's fine. It was like an ingrown toenail. But I mean, like it was.

SPEAKER_02 15:23

Oh, it's like that's a worse though.

SPEAKER_00 15:24

But it became very urgent very fast. Yeah, because they can't. Yes. Get an infection, nothing. Oh. Yeah. Yes. It went from not like, oh, this is uncomfortable to disgusting infection like within a few hours. Oh, yeah. So all this is happening at the same time. And for someone who's like who has desperately like wants to hear an apology sometimes, I didn't respond. How long has it been? Well, I really life took a different path last night and I forgot about it. And I remembered as we were talking about it here, and I thought, crap. So it's been 24 hours. It has been now. Or close to it. Yeah. So I'm going to have to apologize for not accepting the apology immediately.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

Well, it's not accepting apologies. It's it's hey, sorry that I didn't get back to you.

SPEAKER_00 16:11

I know I I should make excuses, but it is very ironic that here I've saying, you know, sometimes I feel like I take all the accountability, and then someone actually does it and I don't handle it correctly in the moment. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed. And there was also a little piece of me that I not necessarily with this, but I as I have thought about it. Because we already recorded 45 minutes of this that didn't record. Yeah. Or actually recorded on the video with no sound, but we could mime and see. I there was I I not necessarily even in this situation. I was in another miscommunication this week as well.

SPEAKER_02 16:53

Over I mean, which has been fascinating that all of we knew we were gonna be talking about this for the last two weeks, and all of this stuff has popped up in your life. Yeah, yeah. There was a little, I feel like sometimes God's telling us I there's a lesson for you that I'm trying to teach you.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Would you pay? There was a little scheduling snafu, wedding-wise. This was not anybody's fault. It's just it was a communication breakdown. And what I found out is we were having two very different conversations, and I thought this was so funny. So one of the things I had said to this person was, I just can't envision it. I just I just need someone to walk me through this because I can't envision the space. And we were talking about, come to find out, we were talking about two different spaces. But that happens. So in her mind, I know she had to have been like, this girl has been around here forever. She's been in this space a hundred different times. I don't understand why she's I do not understand why she's I can't envision this. I can't envision this. I'm sure I sounded so dumb in her brain. Like I thought she was a smart girl, but you know, like she can't envision it, you know.

SPEAKER_02 18:07

But don't you think miscommunication is 99% of the problems?

SPEAKER_00 18:10

Yeah, but I'm come to find out. In my mind, I'm like, clearly, you've never married off a child to say you can't envision it. You know, so I'm getting angry that I feel like they're being dismissive. Yeah. Not angry, that's not even the right word. But I'm like frustrated. I I'm having these feelings of like well, we'll put it this way. We've talked about our Enneagrams. Yes. Then I'm a two-wing one. Okay. Okay. I am the helper. I am also a perfectionist. Yes. Okay. So now if you need help, you're gonna come in. Dude, I am I am all there for you. Yeah. I'm gonna I'm gonna anticipate all of your needs. I'm gonna come up between you. I'm not going to let you fail. Yes. I'm gonna put you in such a good position that like I will have already anticipated all your problems, needs. I'm hold on, that that came off prideful. That's like not I'm not trying to take credit for those things. I'm just saying generally, like, I I I thrive under helping someone and anticipating needs, okay? And I also this kind of wing one of like, I and I want to do it right. Yeah. I want to do it right for you, I want to do it right for me, I want to do it right for the situation. Okay. So if you put this personality type and you have to hand some things off to someone and say, I trust you're gonna do this for me, that's not I'm not built that way. No. Because you want to control it. There is a controlling nature to that because it's a trust issue. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And not that I don't trust, it's just generally in life, I I personality-wise, I tend to think about other people more than they think about me. Or maybe it's a personality thing where they just don't communicate that they're thinking about me. That's probably true as well.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

Okay, so this is an interesting situation. So you're you have fears of handing things over because one you want to be perfect and you want order and you have it all in your mind. So you did that in the situation, and now things have been messed up.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

I and to be fair, thank God we did. Can you imagine if we continued to have this weird conversation where we're talking about two different things? Yes. And we get, you know, I guess now we're like five. We're like five, six weeks away from the wedding. From the wedding. And it's all a stem because you wanted to come in. Yeah, I just wanted to come and kind of look through things just to kind of see the space and just help me like walk through it. Not that I didn't believe it was going to happen. Just help me envision it. Because if it were now someone else could come in and be of the same helping thing, but there's that perfectionist part of me that I'm like, I just want a little say I can trust you as long as I know the plan. Yeah. And I just didn't feel like I knew all the plan. And they didn't either. And to be fair, thank God it worked out the way that it did. It did everything is now fine. Everything is now fine. It was divine conversations for it to be awkward because we needed that to move forward.

SPEAKER_02 21:18

And now we're all good. Because we are so afraid to have the awkward conversation that we would sometimes we let things blow up and fall. And if we would have just had the the conversation prior, it would have made life so much easier. Yes. Like that's one of my least favorite things in books. If you're if you read books, is like the miscommunication troop trope. Where like if you would have just had the conversation on page one, is that a coke?

SPEAKER_00 21:45

This is a coke. This is not a diet coke. I'm s her face. You know what? I took a sip a minute ago and I was like, that didn't sound that didn't feel right.

SPEAKER_02 21:52

If you're listening, she was drinking her coke while I was talking and just made the most horrific face because she has zero coke.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Full confirmation.

SPEAKER_02 22:01

Once again, zero poker face.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

This is a Coke. Well, yeah. Not a diet coke. And my body is not okay with that. No. I forgot where I was. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_02 22:14

No, it's alright. We were we were just talking about if we would have had the conversation, like my least favorite thing, trope in a book is miscommunication. Because if you would have had the conversation in the very beginning, none of this would have happened. And so you did.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

You did have the conversation. We did. Yeah, and that's the thing is I even on this one, like neither one of us knew we were having any conflict. No. And and conflict is probably not even the right thing.

SPEAKER_02 22:40

I'm sure that both of you were probably getting frustrated because of like, what do you mean you can't see the space? You've been in the space like legitimately a thousand times.

SPEAKER_00 22:50

No, they didn't say that to me. I'm just saying I'm anticipating like the I like I have to assume. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 22:55

We we anticipate conversations in our head and think about them before they even happen. And half the time, if not more, 80% of the time, they're the conversation is totally wrong that we had in our head. We just make we go to the absolute worst. Yeah. Before even having the conversation. Yep. And I don't know if it's because we people have disappointed us in the past, so we just build up these walls, or that's just who we are in general, is that we just ruminate and come to the worst case scenarios.

SPEAKER_00 23:30

I think where I particularly have an issue is in my worst case scenario, my reflex is to just apologize, take it over, and try and wipe the slate clean so we can just move on. Not letting those healthy conversations to happen. The way the thing that happened this week at church to me was honestly like really, really good. Yeah. It was healthy. It were there was, I mean, yes, it caused some frustration, probably on probably more on their end even than mine, because you know, they have to make things work and you know, they're trying to, it's not just a schedule, there's there's a lot of moving parts there. Look at us. It's like we've done this stuff before. But on the other end, on many, many other conversations, I would have not had the awkward conversation just to make it not awkward anymore. I would have just said, Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sure you'll be great. I trust you. And can you imagine? And I if I if my reflex of like would have done that, there would not have been a reception. You would have sure really just wouldn't have been. I mean, that was the yeah, there just would not have been every, yeah. The scheduling conflict would have won out. It would have been total stress. I mean, can you imagine the nightmare if I would have just apologized and said, well, it'll be fine. The amount of stress that would have put on everybody later on.

SPEAKER_02 24:59

So thank God I didn't. No. So what do you think God has been teaching you?

SPEAKER_00 25:07

Because I feel like he's been I I know. So here in in in two ways. One, we had this really healthy, I'm gonna use the word conflict because there's not a better thing. Yeah. There was conflict, but I'm not not in the negative. Yes. Not in the negative sense. It was just like, gosh, we gotta talk more. We gotta we gotta get things under control. But then again, I had a text with somebody who apologized and I didn't handle that well either. So on you're looking at both sides of the coin where, yeah, I will continue to not do it right sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 25:41

Well, not just sometimes. Because I feel like God is always trying to teach us.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

But here's the other thing that God was teaching me this week. You ready for this one? I oh over the last two weeks. And it really hit me last night at at church. We had a church event last night. There are some apot things there's where I and I was kind of thinking about well, I because I knew we were talking about today, is that sometimes we make ourselves the sometimes we are the villain in someone's story, and sometimes we make ourselves the villain. Yep. And sometimes there is an absolute need to apologize, and sometimes it's a conversation that needs to happen instead of an apology. But the Lord said to me, There are some apologies and reparations that need to be made between you and me. Oh, and not on the way that God needs to apologize to me. No, it's all on me. So, what what can you say specifically what? And I gotta tell you, he has been convicting me for a while, and I and I don't know the resistance. I'm using this busy season as an excuse, and it's not because my body is misfiring. It feels not in the peaceful state that I've been in because I have not had the quiet time. I have not been opening my Bible, I am listening to scripture, I am doing my app, I am listening, but I am not digging in. I am not journaling. My prayers have become more of the while I'm washing my hair, while I'm just in moments of in the very few moments of quiet that I have where I'm my brain is probably panicking. Yeah. But not in the more intentional time that I was setting aside for that to actually have not just time to say my my my stuff, but where I had time to sit and listen. And when I say this is a crazy busy season, I'm still finding time to scroll on TikTok. Oh, yeah. I'm still finding time to do other things. Yeah, this is a crazy busy season. I'm raising kids. I'm trying to be a good wife, I'm trying to plan a wedding, I'm trying to study to take a test. I'm trying to do, I'm trying to do all the things. I'm trying to be a good friend. I'm trying to, you know, like do the podcast. I'm trying to do there's a lot of, yeah, there's a lot of things on my plate, but not one of those things should be more important to me than spending time. Than spending time with my my father.

SPEAKER_02 28:10

And I've let it.

unknown 28:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:12

Well, we were talking about this earlier about, you know, for me, I first thing I do every morning is I listen to the Bible. Yeah, same. And if I don't listen to it, then my whole day is just out of whack. And I think you brought up something great because you I what what did you say specifically?

SPEAKER_00 28:30

You said Oh, I think sometimes I do it first thing in the morning because I like a streak.

unknown 28:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

I mean, are we doing it to to because it's the ease of my day? This is just what I do.

SPEAKER_02 28:40

Yeah. And and if you know, I gotta keep up with my streak, I did it. Check it, you know. Check in a box. Check in a box.

SPEAKER_00 28:47

Or am I really not for accolades, it's just like, okay, well, okay, I did this, now I can move on. My brain likes organization. I it does not thrive in chaos. And being that I my life is very chaotic right now, it also very much feels like it's not thriving.

SPEAKER_02 29:04

Yeah. Well, so last time we I talked about how I was meeting a friend, we went on a walk. And one thing that we decided is every Sunday I have it on my I have an alarm set to send her a prayer. Oh, nice. So both of us were sending each other prayers. And the most interesting thing is the prayers that we've been sending, none of them, the exact opposite has happened to us. Well, because like so, I have because I've talked about this. My new job, I took a significant pay cut for where I work, and it is, and it's still a year later. You're feeling it. Still feeling it. And so that's one thing that I keep praying for is you know, just financial stability, not even thriving, like just where we can be where we're not stressing every single month. And this week was by far like the worst week. I got the email. Hey mom, I my uh fraternity dues need to be paid. I need $800. What? What? There's not I said when? He's like today. What side hustle are you doing, bud? And and we we've we have talked about that where but I'm like, why do these financial things keep hitting?

SPEAKER_00 30:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:26

What where Doug's, you know, the check was, you know, short. Oh yeah. And I'm like, God, we're we're praying for against this kind of stuff, and why why do these burdens keep happening? Like for the specific things that we're praying for.

SPEAKER_00 30:45

And probably because the reliance isn't always like going to be on the finances, just keep trusting. It's trusting God. Yeah, it's trusting. It's a it's a trust because you're doing what you can do.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

And we talked about that. Handing stuff over is so hard. And handing stuff over to God sometimes I feel like can be harder because you are you are trusting Him with everything of your life.

SPEAKER_00 31:10

But don't you want to take control? But don't you feel like sometimes these quick apologies we make are our way of handing out let's just stop it instead of let's trust. Handing out trust. Oh, yeah. Because the trust would be like d being in the weeds, you know, when it gets it's another version of us taking control. Yeah. And it sounds like it's keeping peace, but it is just I'm trying to control the narrative because I don't want it to spin. Yeah. I just make it, just make it go away. And and I think sometimes it's not because we even want it to I I don't think it's necessarily because we're afraid what they're gonna say. Sometimes it's just we don't have the energy to go there.

SPEAKER_02 31:55

No. And that's And that's a lot of it is I just don't want to deal with it. I just rather it go away than have to deal with it.

SPEAKER_00 32:07

But we are also there's things that we are totally missing out by doing that. A, we're still having the arguments in our head. Okay, if you are watching the video portion of this, we are checking to make sure we are still recording because this is about the time it just stopped on us last time. We are still recording. Yes. But just being the quick apologizer, like trying to nip things in the bud. Yeah. I I can speak for myself in my brain. There's no nipping anything in the bud. I'm thinking about this. Yeah. I am ruminating, I am stressing, and the other person is living a life of absolute freedom because they have no idea there's beef. No. Because I have A, uh, apologized. I or I have not made it a big deal, or not even a big deal. Like sometimes I just haven't had like the necessary conversation. So A, I'm not allowing someone to have accountability.

SPEAKER_02 33:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:05

I'm taking more accountability than needs to be, shifting blame or shifting focus in a way that like we're not propelling the relationship where it needs to be. Yes. So the conflict is just now not with somebody else. Now the conflict just exists in me.

SPEAKER_02 33:22

It you totally made it up all in your head.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

So when we, yeah, when we talked about like, oh, what are we gonna name the episode this week? And sometimes we come in and we kind of have it in there, and sometimes we we change it because we go off course. Yeah. But the kind of the one that we came up was, you know, you know, like sometimes we're the often we're the villain in somebody's story. And sometimes we made ourselves the villain in the other story. Yeah. But I think ultimately, like we're not the villain in God's story. So why do we keep putting ourselves there? Because it's easier.

SPEAKER_02 33:58

I think it's easier for us to take the blame and to see the worst in in ourselves. Yes. Than it is to to trust God and and believe that He sees the good in us.

SPEAKER_00 34:10

And some of the things that, you know, like we were talking about was, you know, we can be so self-deprecating because it's easier to pass the judgment first on ourselves before somebody does it for us. Yep. But there's also the there's things that we share. I mean, part of the magic of you and I is that we're not afraid to say most things.

SPEAKER_02 34:30

That is true.

SPEAKER_00 34:31

And that may either A is like you, it's a breath of fresh air. Yeah. Or you're like, man, I can't believe, yeah, I I agree. Like, thank you for putting words to this. Like, or there's the the other one of like makes me uncomfortable how vulnerable you guys are. And I've heard both. Yeah. And then there's my mother who says, I'm not going to listen. My mom stopped reading my articles.

SPEAKER_02 34:57

She's why do you have to tell everybody everything?

SPEAKER_00 35:00

Yes, that's that's that's the thing. That's it. She goes, because I don't know what you're gonna say.

SPEAKER_02 35:04

Because I mean I think also that's their generation where you don't don't talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 35:08

Yeah, it's the sweep things under the rug sort of situation. Make things look pretty on the outside. But there are some times, admittedly, and I can go back and listen to old things. And I could replay old conversations, obviously, in my head without even needing to have it recorded. I can hear things I've said in the past, and I that keeps me up at night, you know, from six, ten, twelve years ago. But there are things that I think I have shared in an effort to be part of my testimony. Yeah. But there is no testimony pointing to the Lord when you have not given it fully over to him. So there's no freedom in the story if you're still holding on to the shame.

SPEAKER_02 35:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:57

And there are many, many things in my life I hold shame with that are A, don't need to.

SPEAKER_02 36:07

Yeah, that's that's I was gonna get at too. I'm like, there's things that we apologize and that we feel shame for that we have zero reason to feel shame for. We just do it.

SPEAKER_00 36:15

We just it's just easier to own hurt than it is to let God have it. And I don't know why that is. And some things I think I fully work through.

SPEAKER_02 36:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:30

Come rushing back, and I have to do it all over again. There's that kind of healed place where I'm like, oh gosh, I'm great, and I'm here, and then something happens and I am right back to where I was. Not to say I haven't experienced healing, yeah, but growth in a new direction, sometimes you need to take the healing, and there's an exposure that of healing that needs to happen somewhere else, stemming from the same places. And that's that's hard to know that you have to sometimes have to keep wrestling with the same stuff.

SPEAKER_02 37:05

I hate it. I hate it because I just want to move on. I don't want to be sitting in the same spot over and over again. And if you haven't moved on, or if it does come back up, there there's a reason that God is bringing it back up to you. There's a reason that He's like, dude, you have not healed. Yes, I believe God says, dude, dude, you have not healed from this, even though you think you have. Or you have not had the conversation that you really need to have. My Doug always used to say this, and I think I've said this before, you know, you better listen to to God's nudgings before it becomes a full ass kicking. Because I think God nudges you, nudges you, nudges you, nudges you until He's like, Okay, now now I now I'm really gonna bring it to your face.

SPEAKER_00 37:58

Yeah. Speaking of that, you think that God says, dude, you know what sometimes I think God says to me? What? Is that what you think I said? Is that is that really what you think I meant by that? I'm gonna need you to rewind that. I did not say that. That's that's that that was not the impression because if you're feeling more garbagey after this, there's a difference between conviction and realization. So and moving on. Yeah. Forgiveness, because gosh, I'm really good at conviction. I'm not really good at about accepting forgiveness.

SPEAKER_02 38:30

Or yeah, I I yeah. I'm gonna say or give, but I do give forgiveness even though And that's not even with people.

SPEAKER_00 38:39

No, that is a that is not a relationship between people issue I have. I have a hard time believing that I am deserving of that from him, although it's very freely given to me. Yeah. I have a hard that is it's a hard sell for me sometimes. And I can feel it in the moment, and then like I said, there's some I could grow in one way which will kind of open up a wound in a different way. Yeah. And I gotta do it all over again.

SPEAKER_02 39:09

I so w one thing that I think God has been talking to me recently, especially about finances, because immediately when I see that our finances are in the you know, in the crapper, I go immediately, okay, I gotta find a new job. I gotta find a new job. I need to find a job that pays more. And this past week, which has been a horrific week, and now I'm like, okay, I need to find a new job, and and I believe God is just saying, or, or you can just trust me. Yeah. Yeah. Or stop trying to solve the situation by yourself. Stop trying to put everything on your shoulders and make it believe it's your fault. Because I even apologized to Doug. Because I'm like, we we we're only in this situation because of me. Because I'm the one who made not just I mean, we made it together for me to leave my my job last year. And if I wouldn't have made that, we wouldn't be in the mess that we're in financially. And Doug's like, no. And God's like, no. You just have to trust me. And once again, here I am with with the man whose you know son is possessed, and God's like, Do you not believe? And he's like, I do believe, but just help me with my unbelief. That's where I am. I do believe. Just help me with my unbelief. Because that's where I am right now. Man, we just read that verse too. This week doesn't matter. It does sink in.

SPEAKER_00 40:47

Yeah. And I think I just in just the thing when you're talking about, you know, like you're kind of owning this past thing is like, man, this is really making my circumstance now, you know. Yeah. And, you know, c part of the the thing that we were kind of chatting about is that your past, uh yeah, your past is a part of you. Yeah, but we gotta freaking move on from it. But it's not the entirety of your story. Not everything stems from that place. Like you can't, you can't live in the the spots, the marks, the scarlet letter. Like, yeah, these things, they exist. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:33

Well, I I mean, but I've done that my whole I know my whole life. Like I make a mistake and then I share about my mistake, and it feels great because it's out in the open, and you know, we I tell stories or I write stories or I write articles, whatever. And then I talk about it forever and ever and ever and ever, and I can't stop until finally someone's like, okay, it's enough. So maybe you and God are saying, Okay, Casey, that's freaking enough. Cause it isn't it's not that it's it's not fault at this point in time, it is trust. And God's saying, Do you trust me?

SPEAKER_00 42:16

Why is it so much easier to put all the stress on ourselves? Knowing we knowing full well we actually can't handle any of it. Like we know we can't handle it, but yeah, it is easier just to try and control it than be like, here, I trust you.

SPEAKER_02 42:32

Take it. And I used to say that prayer all the time. I'm yours, God, use me. You know, here I am, God. Take it. Whatever you want, whatever you want me to do. Yeah. And I have gone away from that. Maybe I'm freaking scared. Oh insane.

SPEAKER_00 42:49

I think the trust things of trusting God, trusting people to have accountability for their actions, trusting that I don't have to have ownership of everything to make things work. Yeah. That is hard. Yeah, we're talking about apologies and that kind of stuff, but I mean, like, part of it is like the we're still trying to control a narrative that he's like, oh, is that what you heard? Yeah. When I said, trust me, you thought I must go get a new job. Immediately. Immediately. When you're having when you're having a little, you know, a little, when you're having feelings with a friend or a coworker or all these things, you know, and it's like, did you hear me say take it all on yourself? No, no, no. No, we no, we did not. No, no, no, he did not say that. But we will. And sometimes it's we want to be a martyr to do the control move before even consulting him, which is where my lack of quiet time, where I'm seeing it the most, the things that I would have digested with him first. I am not. And I man, I feel it. And I keep telling myself of like, you could just get up earlier. You could do, you know, like you. Can you can set these things aside? You can like you've done this in other seasons of your life. You just have to shift the routine. Yeah. You have to be willing. But then I will have had a bad night's sleep and I'll be like, I'll start this tomorrow. Oh man, pushing it off to the next day. Yeah. I just oh, yeah. Oh, it's the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 44:21

If the funny thing is, we both did that with our health for so long. We just, okay, the next week we'll start. Next week we'll start. The next week we'll start until finally we did it. And then over a year later, you you see the difference.

SPEAKER_00 44:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:35

And I'm like, if we did that with God. Instead of just doing the short-term version of God, but we actually did the long-term version.

SPEAKER_00 44:44

Well, I'll tell you something that like really shifted on you brought up health and it reminded me of something. Matt and I used to go in different phases of when we felt like we both needed to like take control of our health. Like so when he was like, I'm I'm gonna work out, I'm gonna go on a diet, I'm gonna do all these things. Like there was something in my brain that I was like, you know what? I think I need ice cream. And so it would, I there was like some sort of because we weren't on the same page, there was some sort of sabotage going on. I'm not saying in a in a deceitful or a mean-spirited way. It was just we were not on the same page. In the same way, when I would say that I am needed to do this, all of a sudden, you know, it was he was like, they had four different kinds of little Debbie's at the store. And I'm like, why must okay? This is many, many years back, you know, and I'm just clearly they want me to try. Clearly, and then there would be and then we wouldn't make them want me to try. Sometimes we would sort of like Oreos when they came out with the peanut butter Oreos or Reese Co. Oh gosh. Well, then there would be the the moments in time where we'd say we would both be kind of on the on the cusp of making a good choice. We're like, we just gotta get all the garbage out of our house. Now the answer to getting all the garbage out would be like let's throw it away.

SPEAKER_02 46:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:06

Not let's eat it. Let's eat it all. Because that's what we do. Like one leg. But that is the that is that control piece of things. And then you know what? When you do make the garbage decision, do you really actually do the right thing next? No, because you made the wrong choice to get to that point. So I'm talking about health-wise, I'm talking marriage-wise. There are different things that we have learned in our marriage that until we both learn to be on the same page, that's when we stopped sabotaging each other.

SPEAKER_02 46:34

But the but through this journey for the last year and a half of you've we both have made mistakes. It's let's go with health, because that's for easiest for us. There are have been days when we've messed up. Sure. We we've just gone off the cuff and done everything. And in the past, when that has happened, I would stay that direction. But now we're not. We're not. So I would say in the same way with God, like we're we're we're we're still actively pursuing God. We're still reading, but we're not as dedicated as we had once been. So how do we get back on the path and and stay?

SPEAKER_00 47:21

I think you just have to do it. It's a commitment. I mean, I can't like, yes, I've made a commitment to my health and I've made it work. And yeah, there's been little hiccups along the way. There is that for everyone. And there's hiccups in our faith journeys, there's hiccups in our in our relationships. There's yeah, there's hiccups on all of these things. But my when I feel the conviction, I'm like, God, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Get it? There's the apology. But then I don't fix it. The same way I have, you know, these things where like these quick apologies, I'm trying to make things better, I'm trying to band-aid it, but I'm not actually the band-aid's not actually healing anything. We got I in all of these places, like I gotta stop trying to make it not hurt. And I have to just feel the hurt and and find the way to fix it. Yeah. And that's that's hard. That's the hard work. And unfortunately, that's the that's where, yeah, that's where we are. That and that's not that's not a comfortable feeling. It is much more comfortable, honestly, to hold on to the pain ourselves. And I don't know why come like pain should feel comfortable. This should never feel comfortable. But does it sometimes?

SPEAKER_02 48:39

Well, I think we like to play the victim.

SPEAKER_00 48:43

That's the thing. I'm playing the aggressor and the victim in my head sometimes, and they have no idea there's even anything happening. No. Oh, yeah, that's yeah. So what okay, here's the deal. Have we gotten so good at telling ourselves what our roles are that we're not allowing him to direct us in in those things? Like, how do we how do we move from that like that element of control? How do we shift because it's not just shifting the the routine. No. There needs to be a narrative shift. And that's, and I mean, I think we were I was referring to like I need the time, but there's a narrative shift that needs to happen, at least in my brain, of with the control.

SPEAKER_02 49:40

Oh, yes. And as I said, God is very clearly trying to nudge me in that direction of shifting my my brain. But also at the same time, I'm somebody who has to fix things one thing at a time. So, like, okay, I fixed I fixed my health, so great. So now I need to fix my finances. And then, okay, great. And which is great. You can absolutely fix all those things one at a time. But what I kind of have done is I don't want to say fix my relationship with God. I just kind of I get it. Took him instead of him being part of all of it. Now I'm like, okay, now I now it's time for me to fix my relationship with God. I don't need to fix my relationship with God. I just need to do better at being with him and and staying with him.

SPEAKER_00 50:33

Because I think there's something up faith that is a comfort to know that he is always there, so it's easier to put him on the back burner. Oh yeah. Whereas whatever's in our physical orbit here feels like we can't do that.

SPEAKER_02 50:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:49

You can't go and put your marriage on the back burner because it's there.

SPEAKER_02 50:53

But we also vent to our husbands the most. Because they they hear uh I mean, at least for Doug and I, like he hears when I have a bad day. He knows everything that's going on in my life. And and I, you know, I will argue with him for no reason at all. I'll take things out on him because I know he can handle them, he's not gonna leave me. The same reason that we do that with I think God. Yeah, like he's not gonna leave us, so we take everything out, even when it's our fault, because God is not He He is blameless, so clearly it's our fault. But we will blame him. I will blame God. I'm like, God, I've been praying for finances and you're not showing up. This must be your fault.

SPEAKER_00 51:32

But you haven't gone under, so clearly he's there. Yes. But it's hard to see it from that perspective when it isn't the outcome that you were specifically asking for. And how often when we're praying, it isn't the specific outcome we're looking for. It never is the outcome that's never, yeah, because for me, it has never been the outcome. We're terrible authors of our own story, by the way.

SPEAKER_02 51:52

Anytime I try to take control of my life and and write my own story and go my own direction, it's never been. And as I keep saying, all she's saying to me is, I'm here, just freaking trust me.

SPEAKER_00 52:06

Yeah. Oh, but it's so much easier to just try and take the narrative of trying to figure it out ourselves. And that struggle bus is like I said, I just think it's easier to sometimes stay on the struggle bus. And I don't know why that's more comfortable. I I do not know why. No, because I have been in the most peaceful of chaotic seasons when I have just been so committed to that time and the processing and the study and the reflection and just dipping in the pool of his grace and his mercy and just letting him keep me afloat. In the craziest, most trying of times, I have been there. And now when life is in a totally different season, it's definitely feeling more chaotic. It feels very busy, it feels like I'm just juggling many, many things. It's not the heartache that I was experiencing before that I was able to like have this like peace that like just go like that, just it when they say peace beyond understanding, I mean I get it. If you've been in trauma and you were walking with the Lord and you were letting him handle that for you, it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense on paper. It doesn't make sense in any way, shape, or form that your spirit could handle that kind of stuff. And you know what? I when I say things like that, I know you're probably like, oh, she shared that some of that stuff here. Yeah. Yeah, some and and often not. Yeah. Because not every story is mine to tell. And not every one of our stories do we tell. And no, no. And the same way with uh, you know, that you guys with us, you know, like when you're, you know, sometimes we we get things of, oh, you should talk about this. This is part of my story, but oh, don't ever say it's me. Oh, yeah. And you and you'll find that, you know, we might tell the silly stuff, we might talk about like, hey, we had a request to talk about this, but sometimes we won't even say it that way. There are many things about our lives we are willing to put in front of a microphone, but we said something last week that not everything needs a platform. We did. And that is important. I have to remind myself because sometimes I want to tell you all my garbage. And not everybody needs it here. And it does a disservice. Yeah. Because that just it just does a disservice because the person who really wants to work that garbage out with me is God. And he has. So if he has taken the roughest, most hardest parts of my life and I know he can work with it, why do I think he can't handle my finances? Why do I think he can't handle my my tip with a friend? Why do I think for one second he can't handle a scheduling conflict? Why if I get a text that is off-putting, that why is my first response? Like, why do I think that guy can't handle that? Yeah, oh, there's these minute details that I will trust him with something so massive, and then the things that are like blips on the blips on a radar, and I'm like, Nope, not gonna. I gotta handle that myself.

SPEAKER_02 55:35

And typically those blips we ruminate and make it a bigger thing than it ends up being. Yeah. And if we would have just handed it over, had the awkward conversation, gone to God first, gone to the person, it would have 100% of the time.

SPEAKER_00 55:52

Can I just tell you like what just popped in my head that I feel like I feel like God is like maybe prompting to wrap it up with this? I know not everybody knows their Enneagram, but you do probably have a good solid feel of what your personality type is, right? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. And I think we are all made in the identity of Christ. And I think there's versions of all, you know, the best versions of all of us are reflections of who God is. And that helper personality, I felt like, you know, that we were just discussing that that I am. And you have elements that, you know. Oh, yeah. I I am definitely any groom too. I'm helper. So where I was just thinking about earlier, I made a statement of I tend to put other people's needs first. And I'm so used to them not thinking of me and anticipating my needs that I feel like I have to carry all of my burdens and then other people's burdens. I just had this overwhelming sense of God saying, He's like, You don't think I'm doing that for you? Oh. I have anticipated every one of your needs. I've prepared for all of your needs, for all of your worries, all of your concerns, all of the things, your garbage, your trauma. I I knew. I have placed the right people. I've given you the space and you have full access to me. Why in the world do you think that you have to anticipate how I'm gonna handle it when I've got this? Just spend a little more time with me. That's all he's asking. So I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 57:41

So I think it's a great way to end it.

SPEAKER_00 57:44

I think that again, we spent 45 minutes having a chat before this to find out it wasn't recording it. And you'd said, I don't know if you said it on on mic or not. Like clearly, you know, God wanted us to restart. I did say that.

SPEAKER_02 58:00

I don't know if I said on mic, but he had to say, I don't know if he that is, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:04

And I think that was that was wise, God.

SPEAKER_02 58:07

Thank you for that technical difficulty. He yeah. He wanted us to get down to the nitty-gritty of it and stop circling around the main point, which is spend more time with God and trust him.

SPEAKER_00 58:21

Trust, trust, trust, trust, trust.

SPEAKER_02 58:23

Stop just making the blanket statements to make it to fix it, because that's and when you're right, when he when that popped in your head, I think is for for me, for you, for uh probably everybody listening, when you talk about God already anticipated all of this, he already knows our burdens. He already has them. He's just waiting for us to turn around and say, here. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:49

And the idea that we have to operate it all on our own is that's a real false narrative. It really is. Even if it feels if you feel like I have to do it by myself, I have to do this because it's just me, that's a lie. That that's a lie. And I and I get why it feels more comfortable. I get it, but that is a defense mechanism that is not of him. So maybe this is God telling you. Is that what you think I said? Is that what you heard? Maybe examine that further because he's here and he anticipated your needs and your conflicts and all that, and he is already orchestrating things on your behalf. If you let him stop trying to control every bit of the narrative. Right? Yeah. All right. I think that feels like a good place to stop. I think so too. I'm gonna say, see you in two weeks. Watch, we'll do it next week. Oh, it's Halloween. I'm in Florida next week. So I we're gonna plan to not be here next week. We will see you in two weeks. We'll see you in two weeks, and we'll get ourselves together soon. Eventually. Yeah, maybe.