Turns Out, I Needed My Middle Schooler’s Advice More Than She Did

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hello and welcome to Kind of Preachy. I'm Steph Moore. And I'm Casey Bryant. You will have to forgive us a little bit if the sound quality feels a little bit different than it has in the past.

SPEAKER_02 0:14

Oh, yeah. My sister mentioned it to me. She's like, you guys sounded, or at least she said I sounded echoey. I'm like, what, what, what?

SPEAKER_01 0:21

And I think I sounded the same, but whatever. So here's the deal. And I do think it will get better. Um, generally, you listen to us through our mics and that. Now, we had some requests for full video, which I guess, you know, the full video thing is the way of the future. So whether you want to listen to us or watch us, we want to make sure you have the opportunity to do both. So last week, if you listened, at least on Apple podcast, about midweek it showed up. You can watch the full video right in Apple. Yeah. And then there's also you can watch it on our brand new YouTube channel. Which actually is terrifying. Oh. It being in Apple, like that's a great, you know, like that feels normal, but like YouTube feels like, ooh, is that where the mean people are? I think the mean people are everywhere.

SPEAKER_02 1:12

And I will say, you you definitely came prepared to be on video. I I did not, even though I did wake up early, I still did not throw on any makeup. And in fact, I think I came in here saying, I'm pretty sure I took off my makeup from last night, but I feel like I still have some mascara running down my eyes. It's all good.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

It happens. It happens. I do need to thank you, or at least thank your team. Your team, your high school football team played my high school football team.

SPEAKER_02 1:46

No.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

Last night. Your husband is a coach, my daughter dances. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:51

I did not go to the game.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

I was at the game and we ended up having a lightning delay, which we ended up canceling.

SPEAKER_02 1:57

We we called they called the game at halftime saying game finished.

SPEAKER_01 2:01

Yes. Which was wonderful because it was like after she danced. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 2:07

Yeah. And by the way, your marching band and dancers. Amazing. Your marching band is huge. We do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

It is a big yeah. I was marching band is very big. At your school. At our school. A lot of schools. I I can't say I total I've never been a band person because I can't play any instruments.

SPEAKER_02 2:27

It was just impressive of how one, like how large the team is and also how they were able to move with that many kids on the field. Yes. Into into into their spots and stuff. It was really cool.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

Well, I was studying.

SPEAKER_02 2:43

I saw that. You were studying in the stands. In the stands. Which I guess as a as a dancer mom you can do because you really don't have to watch action on the field.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

No, sure don't. Well, she dances the sideline. So I would like I was like poking my head up, but I have about 30 days to learn something that I have not learned in like 20 years. How's it going?

SPEAKER_02 3:02

It's one, did your brain you took this test or you took this exam 20 years ago, correct? Yeah, it's insurance.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

So I have to get my property and casually license again.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

Did you retain any of the information?

SPEAKER_01 3:15

I'm gonna say like six percent.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

I I like that it's a six percent, not five, not one, six. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so right now you're shooting for a failure.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

I mean, I haven't taken any of the I have not taken any of the practice exams yet. But I mean, like as far as when I'm looking at and retaining just from a vocabulary standpoint, it's like out the brain. It's not familiar. I the concepts are familiar, but like the actual like vocab, the things, it it's it's not all here yet.

SPEAKER_02 3:46

I think that's fairly normal. I was in ticketing for years and years and years. It's it's what I did out of college. And I could, I could all these different programs that I learned, if you put them in front of me right now, there's no way that I could create a ticket anymore. You know what's interesting is when I say ticketing, ticketing for like Broadway shows, music, like all that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_01 4:08

So this week has been very interesting for me. My my job is requiring me to take get this license, which to be fair, I have not worked in this industry in I had a very brief stint to insurance for like a year. Okay. Okay. This is in my very early 20s. Elena was one.

SPEAKER_02 4:26

Oh, it's yeah, this is very early on.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

To be fair, she's getting married this year at 22. So I'm like, it has been, it's been many, many years. So there's that portion. And so it's just been a long time since I've been a student. Okay. So you're having to relearn how to study. I'm having to relearn how to study. It's funny you mentioned Broadway because I went to The Great Gatsby. The Great Gatsby on Tuesday. It was opening night for Broadway in Cincinnati.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

I said no, I should have gone.

SPEAKER_01 4:58

Now seeing all the I wish you would say yes to some of these things because then you would that'd be another time you could see me.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

I know.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

I've been dressed up. I saw I saw the pics. Yeah. And it looked like it was a great show, so I'm kind of bummed. It was a great show. However, I had never seen the show and I did not watch the movie, but I read the book in high school. Okay. Which was interesting because I didn't have anything to other than my high school brain to remember what happened. Okay. So watching there's a like a romanticized, you know, thing of what that looked like. You know, it's talking about prohibition and it's you know, like there's kind of in that roaring 20s era. And you look at this kind of romanticized version of things where it's the the glitz and the glam and you know, the music is beautiful, at least the the the add the adaptation is.

SPEAKER_02 5:50

But it's a really sad story. It is a really sad story. And it's Did you remember when you were watching it? Did it come back? So From reading the book in your high school from high school?

SPEAKER_01 6:02

So, yeah. So my I brought my mom, and my mom and I were like, okay, so in the end, then he he dies alone. Yeah. This is not a spoiler alert, but if you don't know the book, it's very old. It's come out a very long time ago. And I think it's pretty standard reading in high school. Anyways, he ends up dying alone. But I but when I watched the play, I expected it to be, I don't know why I expected the kind of like the be that to be the end, but the whole last half of the show was somber because it was like all the consequences, and you know, just when you take the facade off of everything, what that looks like. So it was interesting to me that here I am trying to remember how to study like a student. Yes and remembering things like a student. And I have to be honest, there I'm dealing with some things at home that has really made me think how I'm parenting my middle schooler.

SPEAKER_02 6:58

Wa, wah, wah.

SPEAKER_01 7:00

I know.

SPEAKER_02 7:01

Middle school. Again.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

I know. We talk about it, it's hard. I think I have been trying to parent in a way that I don't want her to have any of the harm that I had. So I will often try and give advice to maybe stop those feelings from potentially happening.

SPEAKER_02 7:25

What do you mean by stop what feelings? Hurt feelings?

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Hurt feelings. So let me just kind of like go through the without like saying like all the stuff. But I mean, I think she's probably going through some really pretty typical middle school things. In the my feelings are hurt. Okay. I feel uncared about. I feel that even though they're my friends, they're still not very kind to me. Oh, oh, okay. I'm also watching my friends be unkind to others. It feels like there's always somebody talking about somebody.

SPEAKER_02 7:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

And I always say very typical medical school. In that, she's very aware that if she's not the one being talked about in the group when she's not there, that she's probably be being the one who's talked about. Okay. She feels like she's not a priority in friendships. She feels like, you know, so I mean, like, no, granted, this is a girl who is very in touch with her feelings. As I think many of us I was gonna say that can be.

SPEAKER_02 8:23

So with that, because you've I I would say every female, the majority, I wouldn't say everybody, the majority of us females have experienced that in middle school. Yes. Or at least sometime in our life, those feelings.

SPEAKER_01 8:39

So I was thinking back to the advice that my mom gave me when I had some of these feelings. Okay. What did you think about it? And I was trying to go, I was trying to go back and really think about this as I was reflecting on how I was doing, you know, how I handled these things as opposed to how I'm telling her. And I feel like a lot of it was similar, but it I really remember my mom saying, like, don't if you see something nasty, don't get involved in it. Okay. Because anything you say that's going to potentially hurt somebody's feelings, or if you're even saying it, and you just know that it's not not good, you're gonna remember these things. This is something that my mom told me. Okay. I don't know if this is something for everybody or if this is a curse that she put on me. I remember every mean thing I've ever said to anyone. Every, every I can tell you in great detail. I won't. Anytime I've said something unkind, something that I've done purposely to get a jab at someone. Yeah. I will I mean we've I think we've talked about this before.

SPEAKER_02 9:42

Yeah. Okay, so with that, are you changing your advice?

SPEAKER_01 9:49

So I have really tried to be the sticking to who she is and her character. Not like how to necessarily act, but I'm like, be true to who you are, be true to who you knew, who you know that God made you to be.

SPEAKER_02 10:03

What if you have a child who is very open, honest, and has zero fear of saying what is on her mind?

SPEAKER_01 10:12

I don't know, that's not her. Okay, great. Well, she's very honest with me, but I don't, she's not communicating that.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

And in fact, I was talking to a friend this week and I have two of those girls who are very who are honest.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

So I'm talking, we're in the car, and I've got Abby in the car with me, and I'm and I'm and I'm talking, and so I let my friend know, hey, Ave's in the car with me. And so we're kind of chit-chatting back and forth, and Ave loves to pipe into these conversations. She lives for an adult conversation.

SPEAKER_02 10:39

My my girls do too. Lives for it.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Yes. So she is automatically piping in all the stuff, and then she gets out of the car and I said, I'm gonna chat for a few more minutes before I come inside. And we both kind of laugh. She's like, She's so funny. And I said, Yeah, I wish the confidence that she exudes around us could be exemplified in her current friend group and the way that she exists in life, the way that she goes and she can tell her brother and sister like what's up.

SPEAKER_02 11:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

In fact, she came back out to the car like two minutes later and she's like, just so you know, I went in, I saw they weren't doing their chores. Oh. And they are working on it. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_02 11:17

She just ratted them out.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

Boss, right? But not in her friend group. Not in her friend group. No, she is very timid, very shy, very like it, it's like two different versions of her. Oh, it's so fascinating. Yeah. Like she just shuts down at school.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

Wow. Okay, so what are you telling her? Because one, she does need to have more confidence in herself. Yep. And she should be able to speak her mind, where I have the exact opposite, where I'm like, okay, sometimes that's an inside the mind thought. Like, let's not let that come out.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

And I let her have her inside the mind thoughts with me. Okay. As she should, as a child should have with her parent. Now, sometimes she'll share these thoughts with Matt and I together. Her dad. Uh-huh. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 12:04

And he is like, I can't take this.

SPEAKER_01 12:06

We're just gonna pull her out of school. We're gonna switch schools, we're gonna homeschool, we're gonna do all things. And I'm like, okay. That is not gonna solve any situation. And granted, he was a middle school principal for many, many, many years. So he has dealt with many, many middle schoolers. And he will say, I've never heard this stuff. And I was like, No, because you haven't heard it from the parent perspective. No, you only hear it from You hear it from well, hold on.

SPEAKER_02 12:30

He hears it from the parent perspective of the parent who is getting the child who was getting hurt. The child is getting hurt, or you know, or vice versa. Even the parent of the child, you know, because both both parents most likely are coming in to defend their child.

unknown 12:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:48

And one parent saying, Why aren't you helping the other parent saying, Well, my child will never do that? Typically, maybe.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

Yeah. So anyway, so she is she's kind of you know going on about like, I just I'm not seeing good friendship qualities in a lot of the people. I don't even know how to build them when it feels like they don't exist around me.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

How do I be my best version of who I'm supposed to be in a world that doesn't feel like they are reaching for the same goals?

SPEAKER_02 13:27

You're saying this to her or you're saying this to yourself?

SPEAKER_01 13:30

No, I mean like that's like a conversation like I feel like that's what I'm extracting from what she is saying of like how I keep being the better person, I keep being the kind person, and I'm getting walked on. Yeah. Shoved. Like how literally kicked this week twice by people who are supposedly like friendly. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. She's in eighth grade, she's 14. Like at some point, I think I felt like we kind of got rid of some of these antics.

SPEAKER_02 13:59

Well, I was just getting ready to say that because you know, eighth grade, if you I feel like they starting to chill out of like now.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

She is an older eighth grader. Okay. Well, she's a September birthday, so she is kind of the more mature.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

More mature one just because of just because of age, which I understand that.

SPEAKER_01 14:18

Not calling all of our other friends or even acquaintances immature. I'm just saying there's there's a little bit of a difference there.

SPEAKER_02 14:24

So what are you struggling with telling her?

SPEAKER_01 14:30

So I'm kind of going through all this advice, and I felt God convict me a little bit. Oh, I love when this happens. And I was thinking back to our episode last week. Okay. And I was thinking about just in general of how I'm viewing people.

SPEAKER_02 14:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

And I'm always telling her, I need you to see the best in people. And I need you to be your best, right? I need you to do what you can to be your best, but also I need you to try and see the best in people because she's getting a little I don't know if jaded is the right word. Is she getting a little mean girl? She's not mean girl, but she is like, they are mean girls. I'm tired of giving them the benefit of the doubt. Okay. But she's still hanging out with them.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

Yeah, because who else is there? Oh gosh. Okay. Okay. So you're so what I'm hearing is that you want to guess my conviction? Yeah. No. I I I'm listening training. Listening training. Which is, I'm just gonna regurgitate what I think I heard you say. Yeah. Which is you're struggling with telling her how to give grace. Right? Yeah. Cause and and she is and she is reflecting exactly how you act right now, which is I am jaded and I have zero empathy, zero mercy, zero grace for for.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

I don't it's not that I have zero. Okay. I don't have zero empathy and grace. However, it is less than it was. Okay. By far. And I have realized that I don't want to use bad words because I'm I'm not generally but I mean like because I'll totally, I'll totally drop it. Uh listen, I know, I know you will. I'm just gonna say in our society now, yeah, there is a phrase of I give zero shits. You said uh when I said it. So I feel like we Okay. That was toned down. But you know, like I, you know, it's like I don't have tolerance for people who aren't going to treat me well. And there are, I think, I'm not saying I don't have tolerance. What I'm saying is I have removed myself from places I don't feel welcome anymore. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:54

I think that's normal. I think as we get older, that's a normal progression of us. Yes. However, I like that. But you're still raising children.

SPEAKER_01 17:05

You're still raising people who need to work in this world and live in this world and need to still have more grace than what we're and I realize I could probably give more grace than what I'm giving in certain situations and to certain people rather than just being like, this isn't healthy, you're out.

SPEAKER_02 17:29

I'm okay. Yes, yes and no. Yeah, yes. I would say yes and no, because I would say yes to somebody if it was the first time that that happened where somebody walked all over you or they acted a way that was pretty nasty. Yeah. I would I I tend I would tend to hopefully, hopefully, give grace. But if they continue to act that way, then I have zero, zero grace. And then I'm like, I don't care, you're done.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

So I realized something about me. It's like when she starts telling me a story or I start hearing a story, my mind is automatically like, and I feel like this is the true crime lover in me. I go full FBI mode. Oh, you're digging. I'm digging.

SPEAKER_02 18:17

You're you're researching, you're you're doing all the things.

SPEAKER_01 18:19

Yeah. So I am straight like, let's get to the bottom. I will find the truth in this matter. I will go full, I will deep dive.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

So when you're doing this and you're my guess is you have pre-conceived, you know, you know, what is the word I'm looking for? You already have with some of her group, her friends, her acquaintances, you you already have this preconceived notion of who they are, who their personality is.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

And I think it's because I'm looking at things with her that I I think I look at some of these situations, and although they're not identical to the ones I've had, I'm seeing patterns that happened in my own life, and rather than letting her live through things, I just want to cut the things out so she doesn't have to fail the hurt. Oh so I'm kind of viewing some situations as foregone car conclusions. Because of what you experienced, because of what I have experienced and watched many of others experience. It's like I just wanna I just want to stop.

SPEAKER_02 19:20

So you're you're trying to remove her from situation.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:23

Which I understand that. And at the same time, I don't want to say we have to get hurt, but in order for us to grow and learn who we are, I know that we have to that we have to experience pain, and it sucks. And watching your child go through it is even worse because there's really nothing we can do without pulling them out of school, which we're not gonna do, which we're not doing that. And it it is right, you have to naturally have to teach you know them how to navigate through these feelings and through these situations. And when you have little grace in your life because we're just older and become more jaded and and I guess I am a little bit of an older mom now. Well, I f with Faith, I definitely am, is is she's the youngest. I'm definitely the older mom.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

So it's funny because I definitely felt different when I parented my oldest and she went through these things. Yes. As opposed to she's Abby and Elena in the what they're eight years apart, they're being parented by very different moms. Oh, uh uh yes, I agree. It's it's night and day between my first two and my last. So it is interesting my perspective of how I'm viewing things, and so I guess what I'm just kind of I it's it's it was hitting me of like I am making assumptions based on the past of how I think things are going to turn out. Yes. And so I'm parenting based on my assumptions of people, but I'm not giving them the opportunity for the other people to be better. I'm just assuming y'all are crappy. Yeah, you will continue to be crappy. So how do you keep your character intact?

SPEAKER_02 21:13

I'm so my pushback to you is how are you going to change? Because if you are already this way and you're jaded and you're trying to lead now by example of your daughter, and you're realizing that you're not doing a good job leading, you know, as an example, you're you're pretty much saying do as I say, not as I do.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Yeah. So what I realized is I am not processing some things, I'm just straight prosecuting them. Whoops. And I think maybe it's like I feel like I've just been there, done that, so I can skip some of these steps. I and it's not always in just my life, just as I process things in friends' life, you know, like you know. Watching other people's relationships and you know, dissecting marriages and ex-husbands, and you know, like, you know, as we're kind of going, you know, co-parenting, you know, even the difference in Mat and I parenting, you know, of or old school. I'd like it's I'm kind of looking at all these things, and I was like, whoa, how many conclusions have I already come to without walking these steps again? Yeah. Whereas in the past, I would have walked through these grace and mercy steps.

SPEAKER_02 22:28

You probably would have had full-on conversations with them prior to making any type of and I am much easier to be like, I see the signs, I'm out. Well, because we don't want to deal with it.

SPEAKER_01 22:40

Yeah. And I'm not I'm not really in the stage now of trying to cultivate a lot of new friendships. No.

SPEAKER_02 22:50

And and that's I when words hard today. We've talked about this because it's not and it's not that I don't want new friends. I just don't have the capacity.

SPEAKER_01 23:04

Which it's like that's what I'm saying. It's like I the all these things this week is I started processing of like how she was a student, and I was thinking back to how I look just kind of at life as a student. And now we're blinking, and I don't know what that means.

SPEAKER_02 23:20

I don't know what it means either.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

Okay, maybe half video this week.

SPEAKER_02 23:24

If that was the last of the video, thank you for listening. Thank you for listening. We appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 23:29

After all this when I told you, hey, it's all gonna be on YouTube and Apple. Maybe not. It might be. But that's why we're still recording this one. But we're gonna continue. We're gonna continue to record. It's fine. I'm just saying, if this is out, it's all good.

SPEAKER_02 23:41

We did our best. We did our best. We're still trying to work. We learn every week. We learn and we grow. Yes. Do we have capacity for other people? I know. No. Okay. Well, here's the thing. No, okay. So speaking of learning and growing, so how are you going to learn and grow from this?

SPEAKER_01 23:53

That's what I'm that's so that's what I've been wrestling with the last. That's okay. That's that's what God put on my heart this week of like, did you not say I've put you back as a student this week?

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Oh, that's rough.

SPEAKER_01 24:07

You have more to learn. Uh-huh. You are not done. Man, God in his lessons. Ah, yeah. So it was like I was watching her, and then all of a sudden I was realizing, I'm not done. You're never done. No, no, no. I'm not done. But it's like this, there are things that I think there are things that I think I've already learned and I don't need to go back to. Yeah. And I thought, okay, what am I actually looking for? Or what should I be looking for that I have not been? I'm looking for truth. I think I'm looking for validation. Oh. I think I'm there's been patterns I've already seen established, so I feel like I don't need to look for those things anymore. Okay. So as soon as I start seeing a pattern, it's enough for me to like dip out. Yes. As always, I look at some things, I was like, I will leave before you have a chance to hurt me again. I mean, I feel like it's a valid point. No, I know, I know. But I am dipping out on things maybe before I've given people the opportunity to be better themselves. Okay. So I'm I'm just not swinging as hard on the grace and mercy as I am the truth.

SPEAKER_02 25:22

Oh, but you are a truth teller and you I know to tell the truth.

SPEAKER_01 25:27

I know. But at what expense what am I saying, what am I missing out on because I am not allowing myself to walk.

SPEAKER_02 25:38

Yeah, because you you are you you're telling the truth and walking away and saying, I I spoke by truth, I don't need to deal with them because that's I don't need I don't want to deal with that kind of person without giving them any grace to say, well, actually, I'm really not that kind of a person.

SPEAKER_01 25:55

Now I have a heart for people. I'm not saying I've just like walked away.

SPEAKER_02 25:59

I know, I no, I I understand that. Of course you have a heart for people. I mean, I would say all of us have a heart for people. And at the same time, when we have a heartbeat for people, it doesn't mean that we continually get walked on and have to deal with nasty people.

SPEAKER_01 26:14

Yeah. So I'm just kind of like looking back, I'm like, okay, well, what am I supposed to be focusing on? Okay, I'm supposed to be focusing on what's true. Okay, well, what would be what is true, you know?

SPEAKER_02 26:26

Well, is it your truth or is it God's truth?

SPEAKER_01 26:28

That's what it means. That's what it means. So as we're having conversations with her, I'm looking at, she says, Well, I wasn't, you know, she didn't invite me. So her automatic truth is, or what she assumes is, well, she hates me.

SPEAKER_02 26:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 26:45

That does that's not the same truth. No, because you weren't invited does not mean you weren't. So that's yeah, that's not established.

SPEAKER_02 26:50

Well, but I would say that's very common when we get left out.

SPEAKER_01 26:53

I know. Well, then she'll say, like, you know, like I texted somebody and they didn't text me back. So her thing is like, well, she's mad at me.

SPEAKER_02 27:01

Cause that okay, so she's jumping right to the negative, right to the she's going right to the extreme of now.

SPEAKER_01 27:08

Maybe some patterns would say, like, okay, this has been true in the past. So now we're automatically there. But we there are some mistakes we're not letting things yeah. We're not letting the real course of things like actually take place before we're automatically deciding what the conclusion is.

SPEAKER_02 27:24

But has she heard you say things like that in the past? I yes. So she so she's heard you go right to the extension.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

And I'm not saying she and I don't think I've she's heard me say it to her. I think she's watched me do it. That's what I mean.

SPEAKER_02 27:39

Not to her personally, but she has heard you say that about a friend who maybe didn't get back to you, all they they must be mad at me, or you know, you weren't included in some of it. I'll well, they must all hate me.

SPEAKER_01 27:51

So I think I'm just using my experience to to try and stop hurt for her.

SPEAKER_02 27:59

And you're as you and you're making assumptions that these girls are purposefully hurting her when most likely.

SPEAKER_01 28:04

That's probably not the case.

SPEAKER_02 28:05

Not the case. So oh lessons that our middle schoolers are teaching us.

SPEAKER_01 28:16

Truth tells me, right, w what happened. Okay. Mm-hmm. But Grace should tell me how I'm gonna handle it. Yes. And I think my handling process right now has just been an exit strategy. Okay. And I that may be healthy in many places. Okay. I don't think it's healthy at all. No.

SPEAKER_02 28:44

So got clearly God is teaching you this lesson. My question also will be who is there someone on your heart that God is telling you to talk to?

SPEAKER_01 29:02

I don't have no, no, not not yet. Okay. But generally, the way that you know God works on my heart is he has to like get me with an axe pick, you know, to start chipping away some of the things. I don't not even know why I just tried to use that shoulder right now for that action. We'll get back to that.

SPEAKER_02 29:20

We're gonna get back to that because I'm very proud of you for it for a different reason.

SPEAKER_01 29:24

I think it's like this dichotomy of how do I teach my daughter and how do I myself stay strong but also have a soft heart.

SPEAKER_02 29:36

Oh, I cannot wait for this lesson to unfold. Because it's not here yet. No, and then that that's part of it. Like there's no there's no resolve right now, there's no answers of like, okay, we we did it. Good for us. We we learned that lesson. It's I think it's an ongoing process.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

So the things that I want to build a teacher is that a soft heart can still have boundaries. Yeah. A soft heart can recognize patterns. Yes. A soft heart can end things that are unhealthy.

unknown 30:06

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 30:06

Right? But how d I don't want to confuse like all the things I've passed. I don't want to can I don't want to confuse discernment with wisdom. Ooh.

SPEAKER_02 30:26

But isn't discernment wisdom?

SPEAKER_01 30:29

We don't there are okay, hold on. This is okay. My brain is like it's coming to my brain right now. Like your brain is also exploding. Okay. Yes, there's discernment, and then there is wisdom. Okay, yes. But shouldn't we be discerning things as they happen, not consider them foregone conclusions?

SPEAKER_02 30:51

You can tell me. Should we discern things as they happen and not well, I think that's part of discernment is you're learning, and as you're as you're learning, you you make, you put that away in your file is okay.

SPEAKER_01 31:07

I just I don't think it has to be you're either naive or you're or you're hard. You know, it's like you have to walk into things. And I would say, like, I would have always said my highest gift is discernment. Yes. But there is a piece of me that has let that discernment not let some people in.

SPEAKER_02 31:25

Yes. But what I'm I'm gonna say this to you. Yeah once again, if it's a pattern of the same person doing the same thing, then your discernment is giving you wisdom on who that person is. But she is 14.

SPEAKER_01 31:39

Yes. And so we can't necessarily establish all these patterns because these are growing people who will continue to grow and change, yeah. And change. And I would like to believe that people our age two also have that capacity. There goes the light.

SPEAKER_02 31:56

And we're done recording.

SPEAKER_01 31:57

It's all right. We're done recording video. So sorry. You're not gonna know how this turns out on video.

SPEAKER_02 32:03

Well, that's good. Because I look like crap today. Oh, goodness gracious. We keep trying. We keep trying, but okay, we're we're also veering off topic. So what are you what do you what is your goal? What are you what are you hoping for? As a and as a woman as a friend, as a coworker.

SPEAKER_01 32:26

How do I navigate and how do I teach how do I yeah, how do I navigate being someone who sees people before I make a judgment?

SPEAKER_02 32:44

Give them grace. I know, I know. I and it's it and it it is hard. It is hard as we get older because we become jaded people because we've lived all these different experiences, and it is really, really hard to do.

SPEAKER_01 33:00

Yeah, because I think forgiveness does not restore access for people who like don't deserve it anymore. Yeah. So that like these things can be true, right? Mm-hmm. But I feel like in her watching me, and I've had patterns of all of this, she is looking at rather than kind of walk some of those steps, I'm just going to put the stop on it before she has learned all the things. She's not learned all the patterns. Yeah. And I'm probably looking at people of I recognize the pattern, so I'm pulling them, pulling, yeah, pulling out.

SPEAKER_02 33:39

Yep. So I there is no other, there is no easy answer. There is nothing other than you're gonna have to continue to walk through it.

SPEAKER_01 33:50

I know.

SPEAKER_02 33:51

The and if I know God, which I you you fully can't understand God because he's God, but God is, I think, always funny about these kind of situations where he's going to put them in front of you in the most random times and probably coming up pretty soon. I think he's going to test you to say, are you learning? Are you growing?

SPEAKER_00 34:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:13

So I think a name popped in my head too.

SPEAKER_02 34:16

Uh-huh. So my my guess is he is preparing your heart and your mind and your wisdom and discernment for a situation that's going to come up that you automatically don't go to judgment and pulling away right away, pulling, pulling from yourself from the situation and from this, I don't want to say friendship, but from this acquaintance, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 34:41

Yeah, I get it. And I think for her, I want there's a little, I think there's a little piece of her that it would just be easier to fit in with some of their kind of the negative things that are going on because it makes her feel more widely accepted. Yeah, I agree. Um I understand, I understand that. And there's certainly times where I have found myself falling into a gossip trap with the friends. It is harder It's very easy to to get into that.

SPEAKER_02 35:08

I was just gonna say it's harder to to step out and say this is wrong than it is just to fall in line and be like, oh yeah, let's gossip.

SPEAKER_01 35:15

So the heart of it is I want to teach her, and I feel like God is like trying to drill it into me again that someone else's behavior doesn't get to decide my character.

SPEAKER_02 35:26

Oh, yeah. So there's that. And you know, we I'm sure you've said this to your children. I've said this to my children who you associate with. Doesn't matter if you have the same character or not, that's who people are gonna assume you are.

SPEAKER_00 35:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:43

Right?

SPEAKER_00 35:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:45

Even, you know, I I told especially our son Torin, who was a giant redhead. I said, if kids, if you're if you're around people and they're doing something bad and you're not doing it, but you're still there, guess who they're gonna remember? Yeah. The giant redhead. That's true. It I mean it it that's just the way that the the way that it is. So make sure you associate yourself with people of good character.

SPEAKER_01 36:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:13

Because no matter what, they're gonna remember you.

SPEAKER_01 36:15

Yeah. And I think I want to teach her what expectations I want her to have of herself and what expectations she should have for other people. I think there are things that I have done in my life of some people, of if I expect less, then it will hurt less.

SPEAKER_02 36:32

Oh, yeah. You put people on a low pedestal, like you shoo, bring them down.

SPEAKER_01 36:39

But wouldn't biblically we are should be the exact we should be holding ourselves and we should hold a higher standard.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

But we also we talked about this last week.

SPEAKER_02 36:50

We also do it with ourselves. Yeah. Yes. We are so soft-deprecating because if we self-de-deprecate before anybody can do it to us, it's way better.

SPEAKER_01 36:58

Yeah, it's so much easier to call yourself out before somebody else does. Yeah. By the way, I did get called out on Facebook.

unknown 37:05

Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 37:06

For your traffic stuff. Another mom told me. She's like, that was you. Gonna need a screenshot. No, I refuse to go look. Everybody's not gonna go look. I refuse to go look. But she told me she's like, I was telling the story. She's like, that was yours because I saw someone's like this car with the FOP. I'm like, that was me. Oh I said, I refuse to go on it. I know.

SPEAKER_01 37:28

And even and it's hard because like just because we know better doesn't mean we won't be taking a better thing.

SPEAKER_02 37:34

And I admitted what I did, and I still was was being called out and bashed on Facebook because you know, because of a stupid mistake of just blanking out, which everyone does every once in a while.

SPEAKER_01 37:49

Yeah. So I mean, I think I look at her and I'm like, how do you how do we? Okay. Because maybe I need some of the middle school advice. I yeah. There are things, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:05

I I yeah, the I would say you're not gonna you can't act with your first gut instinct. Because if your first gut instinct is to walk away and and and have a very negative thought about this, about a person based upon what they said or how they acted, yeah, you're gonna have to discern. You're gonna have to you're gonna have to step away, not from them, but from yourself and your own thinking and and go to God first and say, okay, God, what what what is am I supposed to do here? I know.

SPEAKER_01 38:40

It's like this this fine line that is so hard. I don't want her to be gullible, I don't want her to be manipulated, I don't want her to have hurt feelings all the time, I don't want her to be incapable of standing up for herself. Yeah. But I also want her to be hopeful and to be kind and believe the best in people. I want her to be able to meet a new person without having to pay for the sins of the last person. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I agree. I feel like that's maybe what she has seen off of me is like I for the people I choose to like be around me now is is because I have taken out the things that have hurt me in the past. But she has to do that for herself rather than just do the hard cuts now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:26

I you're right. And I think there's gonna be an opportunity when this is gonna happen to you and you're gonna be able to sit her down and tell her the story.

SPEAKER_01 39:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:34

Because we all learn through stories.

SPEAKER_01 39:37

Well, you know, she was kind of saying something, and what was interesting is I said, Do you did I ever tell you how I got my name? And she goes, No, I was telling her something on the game last night, you know, she's had some friends who said they were gonna stay and watch her through halftime, and she looked for them after, you know, yeah and realized they had left like a half hour prior. Oh. And she was, you know, she was bummed and you know, and she's like, I just I try so hard to invest you know in them. And it was like just very minimally, you know, when you say like, if you say you're gonna be there, I expect you to be there. But I said, Dad, tell you how I got my name. And if I remember the story correctly, how my mom has shared it with me is that when she was younger, there was a girl that used to beat her up when they were walking to school to steal her lunch on a pretty daily basis. Okay. And so, and I don't really know what age my mom was. I don't know if this is elementary or middle or something in that age. But for whatever reason, my mom, you know, after this happening a few times, and I don't know what beat up, and I shouldn't say she was a bloody pulp or anything, you know what I mean? But I mean like, you know, beat up, bullied. I don't necessarily know the extent of it, but my mom was able to view her with a soft heart.

SPEAKER_02 40:56

Interesting.

SPEAKER_01 40:57

And she eventually just started packing a second lunch for her. Really? Because she in her young, wise heart, she was able to identify there was something going on at home that she was dealing with she was dealing with something hurting my mom was a means to have lunch. Okay. And my mom, you know, because she couldn't say for whatever I don't know the reason, you know, could have been that there was no money at home, there wasn't maybe not a person at home, there were, you know, we don't know. And she still doesn't know. She still doesn't know what happened, but she knew when she changed how she reacted. Stephanie, yeah, changed how she came at her. And years and years later, my mom could have named me anything. I could have been a Jennifer, a Tiffany, or any of these other, you know, 70s, 80s names. But I'm Stephanie because my mom saw this person who acted as a bully in her life, but knew there was something different about her and knew that wasn't her true identity or true character, that what she was doing was because of something else, not because of who she was. That is pretty awesome. Yeah. And I feel like when she named me that, she kind of spoke that into who I am of I want you to see people not for necessarily who they act, but for who they are.

SPEAKER_00 42:27

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 42:29

And I guess this week I have really called myself onto the carpet, or rather, God has, of like are you are you are you the Stephanie your mom named you after? You know? Or really am I being the Debbie. I guess maybe that's more of the case because my mom's the one who saw it. Yeah. But she saw something in that Stephanie. And I w don't want to be so hard and jaded that I can't see the other Stephanie's. You know what I mean? Because surely I have hurt other people's feelings than I would in the past. But I want to have a softer heart to be able to see people before deciding who they are. And I want her to have that.

SPEAKER_03 43:18

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 43:22

That's beautiful that your mom named you after after Bully. She did. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 43:30

I know. And you know, my mom doesn't listen to this, so she won't even hear the wonderful things I say about her. She I know that was awesome.

SPEAKER_02 43:36

My mom named me after a soap opera. Dr. Cassandra Reed from Young and Restless, which was called she was called Casey. Oh but she started with a K because you know that's the girl version. So yes, soap opera named after me, you life changing lessons on how somebody can be reduced. In the redemption that your mom saw in her.

SPEAKER_01 44:02

She did. So I guess it's and I guess part of this is like this is not new information. No. But God really had to put me into the mind of a student this week of like just because you thought you've learned a lesson doesn't mean it's not time to come back and revisit it. Also, if he could teach me how to study again and retain information that was a good idea. That would be amazing. I get that.

SPEAKER_02 44:26

That'd be so great. So continuing on the lesson. Did you learn your lesson about going to a doctor for the because last week you you said you don't want to go to the doctor, you haven't gone to the doctor, and I have you went to the doctor.

SPEAKER_00 44:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:40

Why did you go to the doctor? Well, I talked about what I thought was my frozen shoulder. Yes. Which we did get messages saying yes, that is actually. That is that is 100% true. That is frozen shoulder is true in perimenopause.

SPEAKER_01 44:56

But the I went to an orthopedic urgent care. Yes. We have a wonderful one here in Cincinnati. And so I saw a doctor, which was hilarious because I knew the doctor. Oh, that's even that's even better. So she's like, I thought, you know, I saw that name and I thought it might be you. And I'm like, I, when they said that so-and-so is gonna see you, I was like, that has to be her. It was somebody I went to church with many, many years ago. So there was a little bit of small talk, and she looks and she goes, You have a very spicy rotator cup. Ooh, what does spicy mean though? It means it is inflamed. Okay, it is angry. Okay. And as she's telling me this, I was like, Okay, I guess you just have to deal with it. And so then she kind of left and then she came back. And so I'm thinking, and I text you, I'm like, Yes, it's spicy, it's angry, it's inflamed, and it's really enough. We had our friend who who texted both of us and said, I agree with Casey, go to the doctor. Yes, yes. What's up, Marcy? She listened. I did listen. You told me to go to the doctor, I went to the doctor. Probably well, hold on. Would I really listen eventually? But what happened was I went to Kroger and I opened up like the freezer door. I was trying to get like some frozen potato things out, right? Fries. And I opened the door of the freezer and just the yank on that, I was like, oh, so that that was that was the final. And I spent the rest of our Krogering time, yeah, our grocery store with the frozen potatoes icing my shoulder. And she got you a bag of peas too. I I uh lessons needed to be learned here, and I needed to go into the doctor. So I thought maybe like she I'm on steroids now to see if that helps, but I I have a follow-up on Tuesday for further examination and testing to see exactly.

SPEAKER_02 46:46

To see if like maybe it's torn, maybe because because they just do an x-ray, so you really can't see the muscle, right? Exactly. So now they're going to do what an MRI to see.

SPEAKER_01 46:55

So like the possibly. So we'll see. Okay. Like I because I can move my arm up and down. This is not an issue. It's when I try and move it out. Ooh, interesting. And I can get to like you can't see it on video because the video stopped, but I can get it to like right here. But like, let's say I go and try and like put a seat belt on and you just a tiny extension of that. Okay. So try and lay my flat like that, can't do it.

SPEAKER_02 47:16

So arm straight out, up and down, fine. You can do bending your elbow and then trying to do anything like that, pain. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 47:27

Yeah, it's like I I can get it to like 75, 80 degrees, like 90 degrees is painful.

SPEAKER_02 47:34

Possibly physical therapy, but we won't know when we're going to do it. Yeah, we won't know. We'll know on Tuesday. Until we have to follow up. Tuesday's a big day. Tuesday's when faith gets her cast off. Which orthopedic off are supposed to be visiting? I'll be in Edgewood. Oh, I'm going to be in Florence. So close. So close. But what time so far from it? 745 a.m.

SPEAKER_03 47:52

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 47:53

Trying trying to get it done so we miss as little of school as possible.

SPEAKER_01 47:56

So I was going to do the set, I was going to do a 745 a.m. Yes. But it was on Wednesday. But they said, my, they said, oh, you're going to see this doctor. And then it was the first name of my husband's doctor. And he goes, Oh, you're going to see the same guy that I saw. And she goes, then they said the last name, and it was a different last name. And he goes, Oh, and then the lady goes, Oh, you guys know this other guy. Let's get you guys to you have the same shoulder doctor. And I was like, This is not something I ever thought my husband and I would have in common, rotator cuffs. Yes. And seeing the same doctor. Seeing the same doctor. So hilarious.

SPEAKER_02 48:25

Which is sad because, you know, where your office is, you're so close to the to the I know.

SPEAKER_01 48:31

But that's all right. They're all still within the I work from home on Tuesday. So Okay, that's great. So that's actually closer for you.

SPEAKER_02 48:38

That's even closer to you.

SPEAKER_01 48:39

Not that anybody listening cares about the location of the doctors, but you know, it would have been funny if we would have been at the same time. I would have seen you. I've been like, what's up? What up? And then I would have waved like with this hand.

SPEAKER_02 48:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 48:49

Not this one.

SPEAKER_02 48:51

So in the end, I do I do have a very weird story to share. Always. Always. So I dreamt of my mom last night. Oh, really? Yes. When's the last time? Has this ever happened? Yes. It hasn't happened in a long time. And it was so vivid. This dream was so vivid. And I she was my mom was sad. And and like it, I was there was this other older woman who like was bedazzled. That's the best way that I can say it. Like, like all blinged out. And there was my mom like kind of sad in the in behind her. And I just remember like I had this feeling that she felt like she was being left out or she was or she was forgotten. And I remember hugging her and holding her and saying, Mom, I would you would never you can never be replaced. I we love you and you can never replace. And I just remember like I woke up whole hugging her. That's that's how I woke up. Like remember hugging her. And I was telling Doug this, and I'm like, that's so weird. Like it was so vivid. I I can't I haven't dreamt of my mom in so long. I don't know why. And I said, wait a minute, what's the date? And I looked down, today's her birthday. Started balling. And we've talked about this. The body keeps score.

SPEAKER_01 50:09

Body knows.

SPEAKER_00 50:10

I know.

SPEAKER_02 50:10

And I have been crying over my mom in so long. And you know, and of course I text my brother and sister and my sister's like, man, I wish I could dream about her. And I'm like, I yes, and because it is is it is hard. Like when you wake up and and you have for me such a vivid dream of her, and then the reality of realizing that she is gone. You're like, Oh, wait, my mom was with me, and now she's not. So that was my my weird my weird dream, which actually probably wasn't weird. I don't know what God was saying to me or what my mind or my body was saying to me in this moment. Other than Mom, I don't forget you, I love you, and you're not replaceable.

SPEAKER_01 50:50

We also know that you know there's no pain and there's no tears. So those weren't valid reflections of how she really is. But I think it was true. Thank you for reminding me of that. So that's that those were not I think that was just your body's way of remembering of just like, hey, I just want to bring it to your brain that like that's his Yeah, your mom's birthday. Don't and it's it's your mom's birthday. And you know what? I think anytime we can dream of an embrace of of a loved one, like that's that's fine.

SPEAKER_02 51:20

Yeah. Sorry, I totally took this on a turn.

SPEAKER_01 51:23

No, not at all. But you're right, you know, it's yeah, you have to, you know, I I I'm not an expert on if people come back to visit you know, but I don't know any of that. I they these are not things I totally understand, but I do know, you know, there's full restoration in heaven. Yeah. There's no sadness.

SPEAKER_02 51:40

And I and thank and once again, thank you for reminding me because I I have like all morning, which is probably why I just didn't get ready. And because I was just I've been so this dream has weighed so heavily on my my mind of of feeling my mom's sadness. Which is true. She's not sad. My mom is doing great. Yeah, she's celebrating right now. She sure is. Every time I think about it, you know, she's drinking some vodka because she loved her vodka.

SPEAKER_01 52:06

She sure did. Well, I guess we should end this by saying that maybe growing up is not learning how to stop getting hurt, but how to experience hard things without letting them harden us. Yeah. And I just maybe discern isn't, you know, just always foregone conclusions. So let's leave room to keep learning. I love that. All right. So for the half video, half audio, I mean, like one of these days we'll get it all right. This wasn't it, but we love you. We'll see you next week. Bye.