Who Put Us in Charge? Navigating aging parents while becoming the grown-ups in the room.

SPEAKER_02 0:05

Hello and welcome to Kind of Preachy. I am your host, Steph Moore, and I am with Casey Bryant. And my goodness, we are still attempting to try and do this video thing. Remains to be seen if we will ever when we're going to be able to do that. A little bit, a little bit. So I'm excited because last week Casey was like, I am just so happy to ride your coattails. And you and I was I said, No, you have ideas and I'm ready for you to run with it. And she texted me this week and she's like, I have an idea. And not only did she have an idea, you have to run with it because you are the only one with experience.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Well, yes, and no. I think it's it's both. Both of us can talk about it. One because my experience is my well, I think you would say. I didn't even talk about it. Like, okay, what I'm rambling on. Okay, what are we talking about? Okay.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

So today we are talking, and I think, well, what's interesting is we're really hyping this up, and people are gonna be like, won't won, won't.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

I know.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

They're gonna be like, man, this is gonna be really exciting. And then it's gonna be like, oh wow, that's super depressing.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

I know. But it's not, but it's also a reality of of when we get older of what happens.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Okay. So I mean, I'll just say for for where I am in life right now, yes, we are similar ages. Oh, I mean, we're I just said that like you were way older, like similar, like we're like two years apart. We're in our mid-40s, it's fine. I but have both of my parents still. You still and they are still very healthy. Uh you have lost both parents.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

I have lost both parents. My husband has lost both parents, so our our children have no no grandparents.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

And I was really blessed to have grandparents for a very, very long time. I just lost my last one. Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

2019? So I did not grow up with grandparents. My grandfather passed away when I was in sixth grade.

SPEAKER_02 2:06

So I So yeah, I was really lucky. I had grandparents through most of my adulthood. They got to know my children. So my kids had great grandparents. And so when you had the idea to talk about when our parents start to age, I'm like, that's such a good idea. But also it brought like intense fear. Yeah. Because I haven't put too much thought into it. And I'll just tell you, I mean, because you're gonna give me all of the rundown of kind of what that looked like for you.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

I mean, it's totally different for everybody because everybody goes through it depend, you know, it depends on, you know, your physically how your parents are going. Are they sick? You know what's going on. And between Doug and I, we had the gamut of all different, you know, his mother had Alzheimer's, so it was a very long and painful goodbye. It's what they say, the long goodbye. His father and actually my father both died of strokes gone within days. So it it it all depends on, you know, what's going on. And some, you know, my sister-in-law, and I'm so grateful for my sister-in-law, she's the one who moved in with my mother-in-law and took care of my of my mother-in-law because they did not want to put her in a facility. So these are all decisions that had me made. And when my and when my father had a stroke in Florida, my sister and I, well, actually, my sister was like, okay, she was trying to figure out, okay, if if he comes home, okay, we have to rearrange our house. And so all of a sudden, trying to make all these decisions on what does it look like, you know, to have a parent who is now incapable of taking care of themselves that you have to take care of. And the reality is a lot of us, our age group, is going through this.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

And if you're not going through it presently, it's it's gonna happen. It is definitely going to happen. It's gonna happen probably faster than we anticipated.

SPEAKER_00 3:59

I mean, it's like the conversation I used to, we used to laugh at my mom because she would always say, Okay, when I die, and she would give us a list, and we're like, mom, shut up. And she did it for like five years before she actually passed away. But I understand now why she was doing that. She just wanted to make sure we knew what she what she wanted.

SPEAKER_02 4:19

Yeah, I mean, it feels heavy. It it is heavy. But there is a there's a moment where you're still the kid and they're your emergency contact, you know, and then there's a role reversal. All of a sudden, like you not only are you their emergency contact, but you're you're the person.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

Yeah. Luckily, I was not the person for medical decisions, but it was my sister. Like she was she was the medical power of attorney.

SPEAKER_02 4:46

So where do you fall in like the birth order of your fiance?

SPEAKER_00 4:49

I I am the baby. You are the baby. I'm officially the baby by 15 minutes.

SPEAKER_02 4:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

I am I have a twin brother for those of you who don't know.

SPEAKER_02 4:56

Oh well, I bet a lot of people don't know.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

I don't think I knew that right away about you until I I knew you for a little bit. I'm the oldest. Not by a ton. I'm my it's just my brother and I.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

But the funny thing is, it's my middle sister, she's the one who's the well, she because she's also a nurse practitioner, but she's the one who's like the responsible medical. So when my parents started getting sick and they were going to all these doctors, all the power of attorney regarding medical decisions went to her. So And I was like, yes, okay, I'm all for that. So I think those are conversations that, you know, you even have to have within siblings of like who's gonna do what?

SPEAKER_02 5:36

Yeah. At one point my brother and I, we kind of split roles. He was the executor of the will, and I was medical power of attorney because I'm local and he is not. Yes, which makes sense. And my mom is also the oldest daughter, and there were six siblings in her in her family structure, which meant that she had a lot of responsibility in making and taking care of how everything fell with her parents. And now that she doesn't have parents anymore, Earthside, the siblings that she still has, I see her kind of stepping up in motherly roles in some of those areas too. Not she's not their mom, let me just put it that way. But I do know that she she feels a weight of responsibility that I'm sure you probably like even not in a motherly role, but like you will you start carrying traits because there's nobody else to do that for you.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

It's that role of family responsibility that I mean we've all kind of broken it up depending, like now that my parents are gone, and my mom hosted everything. And so now my sister, my sister Carolie, who's the middle child, we split holidays so that we can continue to keep it up. But the the honestly, the hardest thing for me as my as my mom, especially my mom getting older, is my mom was this bigger than life person. She was my she taught at our at our local middle school. She was a cheerleading coach and you know, vivid memories and of her running up and down football, uh football field. I mean, I remember she went toe-to-toe with some of the some other the opponents of other teams because they were throwing stuff at us. And man, if you we called my mom Big Sal, if you made Big Sal pissed, she was she was she was gonna throw down. And so when she was getting older, and I remember when Torin was playing, when he was playing football, the last game that she could come to, she couldn't even walk back to the to the football field. She had to sit down so many times. And that for me was the realization of how heartbreaking it is to all of a sudden understand your parents are aging and the what you thought of them growing up, you know, that that goes away, and you're like, but that's the image that I always have of my mom of running up and down the fields. And so when watching her get older and watching her not being able to do things that she was she did for so long, that was what was really painful.

SPEAKER_02 8:07

Do you see it as sort of did it feel like a switch to like the role reversal where all of a sudden you realize I the responsibility level is different, that you know, like I can't count on certain things.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Well, she she was great it depending, like both parents used to do really great with both sets of grandparents of watching my my children. And my mom did it for very, very up until she passed away. I would say it was probably the last few months where it was driving with her with got old. My mom was an aggressive driver anyway. So as she got old. It was really my sister and I were just talking about this. She'd be like, mom would be like, hey, let's go out to eat. And she's like, Okay, mommy to pick you up. She's like, No, no, I'm already here. I'm gonna pick you up. Because no one would it was it was interesting, but my mother-in-law, she was our nanny for our children for a long time. And when she left our house to go home and she ended up on the west side of Cincinnati, is when we had to realize some things. Like, okay, like we knew it was coming, and we just we knew, okay, at this point in time, we're we're done. Like we we can't we can't allow her to watch our child. And that's that's what's really, really hard.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

So how long before that happened were you starting to see things? Because I there are people that I love that I've probably seen things and we've made jokes of senior moments.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

Senior moments, you lose your keys, we say that oh, menopause. You're like, okay, when is it menopause or when is it?

SPEAKER_02 9:56

I mean, I mean, we posted a reel today where I can't remember words. Yeah. So I mean, I guess sometimes I'm thinking, oh, well, sometimes I can't find a word. That's probably where they are. But when it keeps happening, like so as somebody who's watched someone go down that path, were they living independently?

SPEAKER_00 10:18

They were my mother-in-law was living independently. Well, no, my sister-in-law has has lived with her for a very long time now. Okay. So she was never alone. Okay. And so my sister-in-law was became a hundred percent the caretaker, which I am so grateful for because I I can't even those who end up having to take care of your parents, it it is really hard. And even like Isabel was oh gosh, I'll tell you the story. Isabel was was visiting them one point in time, and my mother-in-law had an accident, and she had to help, and she was like, Mom, that was that's horrible. Yeah. It's and it is as a granddaughter to try to help now grandma because she's incapable of helping herself, and it's it's really, really hard. And they're also it's the reality of of what life is, can what life can be to well for some people. For some people, Alzheimer's dementia is it's a it's very, very hard to go through.

SPEAKER_02 11:27

Yeah, I watched my grandfather pass with pretty severe dementia at the end. It definitely had some lucid moments. Yeah. I watched my best friend's father pass away from Alzheimer's and walked that road closely with her during that time. And I'll never forget going down to say goodbye. Yeah. With her. She didn't want to go down by herself, and he lived, you know, about an hour away with her stepmom. And she was first of all, the immense love that she developed for her stepmom in that time, watching her take care of her dad was incredible. Watching somebody be a caretaker. It I I mean, there it's just it's a role that I don't know if anybody can anticipate.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

You you can anticipate it, but the reality is you kind of have to.

SPEAKER_02 12:30

Yes. And I think that's the reality.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

It's like you you have to have these hard conversations with your parents. And sometimes your parents don't even want to have the conversation because they want to be like, no, I don't I no, we're fine, everything's fine. And so trying to take away car keys and trying to say, like, you no, you can no longer drive, or it it those are horrific conversations that you now have to adult the parent.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

Yes. So I like I said, I I am not there. I I because both of my parents have lost their parents, and I would say, you know, like I said, the last one has still been within the last 10 years. My parents have watched people not be prepared. Yes. They've both had siblings pass and were not prepared, to which they felt like they needed to step in emotionally, financially, you know, in a lot of these different ways. And I think I've just, you know, I'm watching this and I'm like, my parents are these incredible logical, smart, empathetic people who are generous, who have the opportunity. And I think I've just kept viewing in this parental role. And the truth is, is that they can't stay in that role forever.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

No, they can't. No.

SPEAKER_02 13:50

And that, and then so for me, it's like, wow, that and but because they've done this, they have become hyper-vigilant about making sure they are prepared and take taken care of because they don't want to burden us. Like they have gone out and they have bought their plots and they have talked to their financial planners. That my mom, all of the above. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

So I mean, like, start doing this that kind of stuff. Um she's like, You there better not be an open casket. I will come down and haunt you all if you let anyone see my body. We're like, okay. Okay. Like she was very specific, especially to my older sister, because you know, my older sister, we always joke that mom Katie's gonna come down and she's gonna have, you know, playing 1980s rock music. Everyone's gonna, she's like, You better not, or I'm gonna come haunt you all. Oh my god. So she was very specific on like no one sees my body. Like, I don't want come people coming up and looking at me while I'm dead. I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

I I don't want that either. No, either do I. No, I'm the I feel like the very first experience I had with death that I remember was my grandfather, and I was 14. Yeah. And maybe 13, 12, something, some somewhere around that age. So I was pretty young, and I remember being in the funeral home, and I told my dad, I'm like, I don't I knew there was an open casket. You're like, I don't want to see it. And I said, I don't want to see him that way.

SPEAKER_00 15:07

No. And he said, You don't have to. Yeah. You don't have to. That's that's the kindest thing you can you can do for a child.

SPEAKER_02 15:13

And so they put me in this room, and it had this like pocket door sort of a thing, you know, like removal. Oh, I I guess if you're in a funeral home, I know exactly what you're talking about. You know, so they can these things. Yes, they're all very simple. And a fight broke out. Oh no. It was happening outside the funeral home, but somebody opened that and then all of a sudden I am like feet from the open casket. Oh, I know what you did want to see. What I did not want to see. And I was like, oh my. I I so I definitely have, you know, that's where I was like, just I've so I have said from that day, you will cremate me. Yes. Just don't, I don't, I don't want any of it. I don't want anybody visiting me. I don't want anybody. So I think I have always been pretty vocal about stuff, even like my parents haven't been, but my parents are they don't look I haven't heard anything of what they want for like those kinds of wishes. Oh yeah. But they have been very clear of like my brother came to visit because he lives out of town. And when he they were here, they were my mom and dad were like, this is a great time for you to meet with the lawyers. Oh and they're like, We're putting things in a trust, we're doing all the things so financially, you know, like you know, highly recommend a trust. So yeah, so like my mom goes to all these seminars, and I swear she could probably teach these seminars at this point because she is always going to better herself and just making sure that she is fully knowledgeable. Like, we just had to buy a new car, and she was like, That needs to be in like you and your husband's name. Yeah. Because if something happens to you, like he that's not even his car, like that's probate, and she was like, and I'm like, Mommy, I don't know anything. I need you to pour all of the knowledge into me right now because part of me is like, I want to be in denial because I don't want any of that to happen. Well, you know you know it's gonna happen. I know, but in my mind, I'm like, something will happen to you guys first, and then but that nobody no, we're not promised anything.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

No, we're no, no, no one's promised. And even Doug and I talk about death, and you know, and not saying that I'm gonna die, I'm like, but if I I like I guess anytime soon, maybe I will. I don't know. But I know where I'm going. At least I believe I know. So I'm okay, but am I gonna screw my family? And so that's what we've been talking about because we've had family members who when they passed away, the spouse did not realize that the that there was multiple credit cards that were totally maxed out and now they're responsible for them. And that the and that their pension was completely gone because they, you know, and so there were and when we hearing those stories that you know other family members experienced, we're like, okay, we don't want anything that secretive. And you know, the you know, those people were married for 50, you know, for a long time, but they were just you know, holding on to these secrets, financials, like big financial secrets. And when you when you see that, you're like, okay, that's I don't want that.

SPEAKER_02 18:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

And so how am I gonna make sure that we somehow take care of each other? Because as I said, we all, if we we all know where we're going. The death's not about the person who dies, it's always about the living.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

Yeah, you're a hundred percent right. So, oh golly. Yeah. So my mom, like I I feel very blessed that my mom has had really open conversations with me recently about the logistical logistics, yes. So she's really good about she's really good about just kind of putting emotions aside and like this is the stuff that needs to happen. But you have opened my eyes to things that I have not thought about, and that is the caretaking.

SPEAKER_00 19:11

Caretaking, yeah. So when we moved in, so we moved in with my mom and dad. And we moved in knowing that we were gonna buy the house, yeah, but also knowing that mom, you know, she couldn't do steps really in the in the in the laundry was in the basement and how how she was getting down there. And so we're like, okay, we'll move in, we'll try to help out. And we were only there three months before she before she passed away. And you know, she was looking back, I think I think she knew that she was going like the night. I I so vividly remember everything. We had I made tacos, I said to her, you know, okay, there's left over tacos. Do you want any more tacos? She's like, no, I'm good. She was laying on the couch, and I said, Okay, well, you know, I cleaned up everything. I think we're gonna go upstairs and go to bed. She's like, Okay, I love you. And that was that was it. And so when my dad called me in the middle of the night, it was like four o'clock in the morning, and he said, Your mom collapsed. And so I Doug and I both run downstairs. Oh, I'm gonna tell the story now. So we both we run downstairs and she's on, she's sitting on the floor, like in the in the door jam of the bathroom. He's like, she was trying to go to the bathroom, and she just she just collapsed, but she told me not to call the ambulance. And so I go, Oh, well, she doesn't have a choice. So I immediately call 911 and Doug looked at me and my dad, and he said, Do you want me to do CPR? And he said, Yes, and he said, Okay, Bob, my dad, he said, I need you to leave because I'm gonna br I'm gonna break her ribs and it's gonna be painful. What I didn't know is my mom told him the night before, don't call the ambulance. So when we came downstairs, she was already gone. Doug knew that. He he being a police officer, he's he has seen enough. So he already knew that she was gone. And God love him, he did CPR my mom for for my dad and for me. Because you like all of the frantic, I knew she was DNR. I couldn't think about like I could not even like anything that I remember that she told us, I knew she was DNR, I knew all these things, went right out my head when in the middle of the situation until I'm talking to the paramedics because they finally came, they they took over, they were doing CPR, and they're like, Okay, what medications is she on? And I literally hand them a basket of medication. I'm like, here you go. And then I look at him, I go, Oh my gosh, she's DNR. And he's like, Once we start, we can't stop for I forget how many minutes. Oh, and so he's like, Well, unless you have medical power of attorney. And I'm like, Well, that's my sister, and she's on her way.

unknown 21:59

I

SPEAKER_00 22:00

I'm grateful my sister did not have to call it. So she so the the EMS is the is the one who ended up calling and and and you know then making the phone call. So then I made the phone call to my my sister who is medical power attorney. I waited a little bit to know exactly what's happening, and then I made a phone call to my brother who lives out of town so he can s make it his way home. And then I my dad called my oldest sister. And there are there are reasons why. Because and I the the thing I remember is we live right next to an elementary school, and I kept saying, My gosh, we cannot have her body going out of our house as school is going inside. That would not be good. No, isn't it? So I I I just so we're this is when my sister and I start laughing. My uh my older sister Katie and my brother Robbie do not laugh at these situations. And now Cargill and I, we think they're funny at this point in time in our life. Because sometimes you just have you just like such such an a daze of everything that happens that day. And so when and so when we're saying we're uh we need her gone, we cannot have little kids walking to elementary school, walking by as my mom is in a body bag and you're rolling her out in front of the school. And they're like, okay, okay, we're gonna get her out. And then they looked at my sister, Caroline and I, and they said, So, because she was in a hallway, we're like, they looked at us, they're like, Okay, we're gonna need you guys to leave because we're gonna put her in and to remove her, we can't, there's no easy way to get out. So we're gonna put her in this bag and then we're gonna fold her in half. They did the hand, they did the hand, they did the hand, and Caroline and I go, oh, okay. Like it's totally normal that they're gonna fold her in half to get her out of of our house. And then they put her on, I know, I know, and then they they put her on the Gurney and they take her down our neighbor's driveway, because our driveways are connected, and we and we're looking outside as they're putting her in the back of the um the hearst or whatever, whatever for funeral homes. And one of the teachers, or TAs are, but a friend of ours who we know had just parked and is like looking at us, looking at my mom's body as she's walking into the school because we were kinda close. And so they pull her, gosh, this is so bad. But they ram her into the car and she goes, and she does she does not go in. I don't know if she was trying to make us laugh, like it's okay for you all to laugh. But they finally got her in and and and when they were gone and Caroline and I were sitting, they're like, did all did all this just all this just happened? So now we we joke about it, like, okay, mom, we're sorry that they had fooled you in half when they took you out of the house. Sorry, mom, that you drove by, you know, some of the teachers who were walking into school and sorry that they couldn't get you into the to the actual car itself.

SPEAKER_02 25:08

Which is that much of a respectable when you know that she taught in these schools and she's lived there because have been in this community forever. There's not one person who walked by that house who didn't know exactly who lived there.

SPEAKER_00 25:19

That that news was before we even announced that people already knew. Yeah. Because we had people who were out walking very, you know, our our town's a very walkable to so people walk all the time, and they were walking. A friend of ours was walking and saw the ambulance in front of our house and just had a feeling. And so it like just the rumors were everywhere, and everybody, everybody knew, and God love her. She still she made us laugh till the till the very end, till the very end. So I the is as hard as it was, and it was really hard, and as funny as some of the parts were because sometimes you just have to laugh. And I think that's part of grief, is you have all the emotions and you're feeling all the emotions all over all over the place. And I I am grateful that her only wish was that she wanted to die at home. And that happened. And and that happened. So funny thing, because you know, I I like funny things. So funny thing is I was hosting a dinner. Not that night. Not that night, not that night, not a couple of years later, a few years later, I was hosting a dinner for for church. And so we had some of my coworkers, some staff members who were at my house helping me out. And they're like, Oh my gosh, Casey, your house. I'm they're like, How old is your house? I'm like 100 years old. They're like, I bet people have died in it. I go, yep, my mom did right there. And they were like, oh my gosh, Casey. I'm like, but it's true. It's true, it's true. Don't worry, she's not here. She's in heaven, she's all good.

SPEAKER_02 26:54

She was what I'm sure she I think she probably found it funny.

SPEAKER_00 26:58

So I know. We we just like to throw that one. Somebody, yeah, they did. See, I can laugh. We can laugh about death.

SPEAKER_02 27:06

Oh, well, I mean, sometimes you gotta. Although, you know what, honestly, if something happened in my neighborhood, everybody would know right away because the second an ambulance or a fire truck goes through our neighborhood, every door is wide open and we're all every neighbor is at the end of their driveway going, What happened to us that one do?

SPEAKER_00 27:24

What happened? What happened?

SPEAKER_02 27:26

And then it's like the t the game of telephone makes it like you know, whether it's worst case scenario to what actually happened, depending on Oh, for sure. I my uh neighbor across the street, they I didn't hear any alarms, but I woke up to like lights coming into our house. But there was no sound. And of course I told myself all sorts of stories of what was happening. Yeah. And and I don't think anybody else in the neighborhood knew. Not probably not one other person, but he made sure to give the full detailed report on Facebook, like the of course the neighborhood Facebook group. Because he's like, I probably didn't want anybody like me, like just assuming what happened.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Oh, there's an alarm point off on my phone. Oh my gosh. What's in an alarm for? So I don't forget to take a pill.

SPEAKER_02 28:14

Oh, aging is sh fun. We don't talk about that.

SPEAKER_00 28:18

I totally forgot to just that's what happens when my phone is sitting right next to me. That but that couldn't have been more timely for today's episode. I know it really couldn't be. But another is also just not us, it's also the it's also the our children, our grandchildren, like their grandchildren too. And I don't I didn't realize how hard it was going to be with with my kids, especially not having any grand grandparents at all anymore until gosh, it it was Faith was in fourth grade, so it was it was the year that my father died, and he was the last grandparent. Yeah. And she it was grandparents' day at her elementary school, and they're like, you can bring a special friend. So I'm like, I will be the special friend. So I went to her grandparents' day, and her class was singing songs about how awesome it is to have grandparents and how their you know, grandparents love and with pictures of their grandparents behind them, and Faith is front and center crying singing a song. And so then everyone's looking at me and I'm bawling because I'm like, I don't have any grandparents, they don't have any. So after that, I s I the next year I pulled her out of school. I said, We're not, we're not. That's a mental health day. I said, We're not, and I didn't even say I just said I said I'm taking Faith out for the morning, and because you know it is really hard for her to sit here watching, you know, other grandparents, and she has she doesn't have any. And so I took her to I think first watch, we got our nails done. You know, we had a little girl's day, and then I took her after grandparents' day was officially over. And I feel zero guilt about that. Oh, shoot. No, I no, especially after her singing. That was horrible. Oh so that that kind of stuff is what I did you don't realize until you're like, oh shit. Oh yeah until you're in the middle of it. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 30:28

So let me ask you, like, because you did have some time while you were caretaking in the same home as them. What's the emotional tension like when you're really having to step up and they are having to relinquish some of that? Um because we're you're talking about how it feels like for you to step into those roles, but were they relinquished willingly? Was that difficult? Like, was there a battle there?

SPEAKER_00 30:59

Like my my this is what's really my mom and till the end was still driving. She was still fully, fully mental, mentally capable. She was everything. She she was there other than her body giving out, which is so hard for somebody who was she is she was such a strong and smart and you know uh just awesome woman. And so for your her body to give out, I think was the hardest thing for her because the frustration that she would have that she couldn't even walk upstairs or she couldn't, you know, it she she would lose her breath trying to do anything because it would just take so much out of her. That was hard. And she didn't want you to help her. She did not so at the football game, we were like, okay, mom, hey, there is golf carts. We're we're gonna we're gonna golf cart you in. Absolutely not. You will not golf cart me in. Because she's a proud woman. Yeah, she doesn't want the help. She she's still she bakes out, she's still trying, she wanted to prove to everybody she did not help. She needed it, but she she did not want to take it. So any type of that kind of offer of hey, here's a walker, absolutely not. You get that thing away from me. Okay. So you just have to walk with them every couple steps. Wait, walk, wait. And that and that is a pride thing. Yeah. And and I I totally get it.

SPEAKER_02 32:26

That I understand. So as you're setting up boundaries of these things, because there's this you also touched on the fact that you and Doug had moved in. What are the boundaries you set up to protect your children and your marriage when you were in these new responsibilities? Like, was there a way to prepare?

SPEAKER_00 32:47

Well, uh, we had no idea that my mom was gonna go that fast. So that for we were that was shocking.

unknown 32:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

And at that point in time, that was grandparent number three. So my my children unfortunately have been through this a lot and have bit witnessed. They were there, they were at my in-law's house with my when my father-in-law had his had a massive stroke. And then he he passed away ten days later. They were with my mother-in-law, they saw, they saw the progression of her of her Alzheimer's, and then they saw and with my mom and dad, they they were all there. Well, they weren't with my dad because my dad passed away in Florida, but with my mom, they they were in the house, of course they were in the house. And so we made the decision with the older two. We said, you can stay home or you can go to school. So we went upstairs. Because we that the way the house is that their house had three bedrooms upstairs and a bathroom. So we were upstairs, and that's where the kids were, and so we uh sat everybody down and said, Okay, this this you can either stay home or you can go to school. And we did not tell Faith yet. And so we to we sent Faith to school.

SPEAKER_02 34:08

So she slept through it.

SPEAKER_00 34:11

Faith and Torrin both slept through it. Uh Isabel did not, she was up. She she she never came downstairs, but she knew she knew something was going on. And sh Isabel decided to stay home. Torrin said, I want to go to school. Okay, great. So and that for me, I did not want to force my children anything they didn't want to do. So if they wanted to go to school to to try to have some normalcy, knowing that people because it was getting around, so knowing that people were going to talk to them with faith. I let them know that my mom had passed, but we did she did not know. So that they they had school is amazing. They kind of kept a circle around her to let her make sure that people didn't talk to her. But we wanted to make sure that, you know, however our kids wanted to grieve and however they wanted to process is how they processed.

SPEAKER_02 35:02

And it's gonna hit everybody differently. It's gonna hit yes, absolutely. And in waves, like and a lot of cycle that's like way beyond just probably that day.

SPEAKER_00 35:12

I I love my sister, my older sister, and we knew that she was not going to take it well. And my dad did not want her there when the ambulance was there because we did not want her to freak out. Yeah. And we knew she would. And so when my dad called her after my mom had passed, that's how she came and she came in. We we jokingly said, tornadoes getting ready to happen. Just wait. God love her. She did. She's like, No, I didn't. I'm like, you kick the door and where's my mom? Which I get. And that's how, and for her, that's how she expresses her emotions. And and you know, she wanted like the sh she took my mom's the tea. My mom drank tea every single day of her life. And so there was a half-drunk teacup that my mom had with a straw in it that my sister kept because she just wanted a piece of her that that was she held on to while she was alive. Totally understand that. That's how she processed it. And you have to learn a process, even though we all don't agree with the way people pro there is no right way to process.

SPEAKER_02 36:21

That is crazy.

SPEAKER_00 36:22

That's not the best way to process it.

SPEAKER_02 36:25

I'm gonna be honest. I think part of the reasons I want like a cremation and like I don't even want a funeral, is because my family said some doozies at funerals. Oh, I know. Really? I have a lot of I'm not gonna share all of it because I think grief does weird, wacky things to people.

SPEAKER_00 36:43

It does. It's I've splits families up, especially over money.

SPEAKER_02 36:46

I mean, it it can be No, I mean it it's it's it's been a height of stress on, like I said, and this um this is not if you're my family, I'm not talking. Um I'm not talking about that side of the family. Oh, we're not gonna talk about it. It's fine. No, I just I I I don't know if I've seen really healthy, emotionally regulated But is there healthy emotionally regulated ways to grieve?

SPEAKER_00 37:10

I'm sure there is. I don't know. But people process so different. I mean, so differently. And my sister Caroline, she's a she's the keeper of all the ashes, so she has all the urns lined up. I don't know how to do that. See, in my okay, so in my mind totally happened, which because I said I don't want them. Like I I don't want the urn in my house. So I told my family, like, I want to be cremated.

SPEAKER_02 37:36

Yes. I remember being really young when my grandfather died, my first grandparent passed. And there was a headstone and then they decided they didn't want that headstone, that they wanted to have like a joint headstone ready for like when my grandmother would eventually pass, which wasn't for many more she was, she was around for many more years. I had an aunt who's like, Well, I'll take the old headstone.

SPEAKER_01 38:08

And I was like, this feels really weird.

SPEAKER_02 38:13

It does. So like there was like this weird morbidity thing, and like I don't really want to connect to that. Anyway, I mean, I just like weird the death has been like just kind of a weird, like the whole funeral, like Yes. I'm fine with the afterlife. I mean, like, all of this stuff is like yes, fine. And you grieve how you want to grieve, but like the idea of people coming to visit me what at a graveyard looking, you know, either like in an open casket or coming to visit me graveside. And I was just like, I just never wanted any of that stuff. So I told my family, like, cremate me, and then I want you all to take an incredible vacation, spread my ashes wherever you go. Don't bring any of me home.

SPEAKER_00 38:54

Apparently, that's very illegal to do anywhere, spreading ashes.

SPEAKER_02 38:57

Well, I'm like you can really get like maybe I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 39:00

I think you can do it like if you get permission from someplace, right? Just outside. I'm sure I can. Well, my my mom and dad are supposed to, they have a plot. Okay. And they have a headstone. We but we have we we did the whole thing. We we have we never went to the we never went to the graveyard, but they have a plot next to my grandfather with a headstone that we are supposed to bury their ashes in there. And that hasn't happened? Well, the the graveyard said it's gonna cost you like thousands of dollars to do it. He's like, or you can come in. Yes, he's like, or you can come in the middle of the night and so that that's been like the running joke. Like, we're all gonna show up and we're gonna have all black and our ski mask and we're gonna go into the graveyard. And like, what are you doing? Trying to bury our freaking parents' ashes, okay? We just don't want to pay for it. I'm like, why don't what if we just sprinkle a little a little bit on top of it, then we're there. I can laugh about this stuff. So these are the weird conversations that we that my family, my sisters, my siblings, just not my sisters, my brother too, that we've had. Oh gosh. Because now we we have an empty plot with a headstone.

unknown 40:12

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 40:14

So that eventually, I guess the last big death in our family happened when my aunt had passed away, and that was untimely. It was a house fire and it was traumatic. And so you have all these people who are trying to like siblings, you know, because there's no more parents anymore. So now they're like, you know, the siblings are taking care of the other siblings for this. I'm kind of an acting in that kind of parental way, and they're trying to like figure out, but now there's children, you know, who are trying to, you know. Yes. And we're all trying to come together to come like with the right things and trying to figure out, you know, anyway, it was a it was a whole thing. And when it got down to the the burial, you know, we're trying to like so like there's like the older generation that are planning this like really nice of course thing. These are the hymns, and you know, mm-hmm. And her son's like, I think she would like this song. And it was like this heavy metal. May maybe she did. Yeah, he was like, My mom wanted what this is the song she would have sang. This is what I just remember going, okay. Wow. And I remember just like not my jam, but I just stuck my hand out and held it, his hand, while we were playing heavy metal. And I'm thinking, I don't want this.

SPEAKER_00 41:50

No, and I think that's why, even with us, I think you have to prepare, like have even if it's a basic one of like what you want. Otherwise, yeah, people are gonna plan it and it might be a little interesting.

SPEAKER_02 42:03

Yeah. So I I I mean, I think I've I've mentioned like what I want multiple times, hoping that that will spark my mom and dad or my husband to tell me what they want, and that has not happened yet. Yeah. So we're gonna have to have like the real heart to heart.

SPEAKER_00 42:17

Bobby wants a Viking funeral. He said, put me on the Ohio River and start shooting arrows at me. I think that's also illegal. I don't think we can do that either. I don't think we can. But that's what he wants. We do not endorse that at all.

SPEAKER_02 42:34

We do not know not darts. We are not endorsing. But I honestly had speed in the middle of the night.

SPEAKER_00 42:40

I I had a big concern with e I like I I definitely want to be cremated, but for for a while I was really concerned because I'm like, well, you know, Jesus times, they they put them in tombs, or you know, because you're right, the role. I'm like, okay, so if my body's in ashes, then what's gonna happen? Like, is how you know, am I gonna come back?

SPEAKER_02 43:04

Because I that's interesting.

SPEAKER_00 43:06

So that's where my mind went. And then I was listening to it was actually a Catholic priest who was talking, and he's like, if you remember where Adam came from.

SPEAKER_02 43:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:14

I'm like, oh yeah, he came from.

SPEAKER_02 43:16

Ashes to ashes, yeah. Dust to dust. I'm like, oh, okay, okay. Yeah, that's how I've always thought, which is, I mean, kind of why I thought like I never wanted people to come gather for a funeral. Mm-hmm. Any of these things. Also, I always think like, who would ever want to come to mine? Same. Is that true?

SPEAKER_00 43:36

And not only who would ever want to come to mine, but who like what kind of legacy am I gonna leave? Like, are people gonna remember me?

SPEAKER_02 43:43

Yes, they will.

SPEAKER_00 43:44

But but I get it because I, you know and I had two different versions. I had a mom who who you know, who had a major impact on so many different people. And still the stories that I I get from people coming up to me saying how amazing, like how much they love my mom. And then with my dad, not so much. And so it it is it's kind of interesting of like what will I have will I leave a legacy behind? Like where my children will be proud. Like, well, people will come up to my children and say, Man, your mom and your dad were some awesome people. They had amazing.

SPEAKER_02 44:19

I don't and I would and my guess is that for most of us, there's people who make impact in different ways. I wouldn't say that they probably made it any less impact, but there's like my husband, he's he's in education and he's worked in all the counties in this area. He has, you know, been around thousands and thousands of kids and teachers, and you know, like has obviously made a massive difference, you know, yes publicly. Yes. True. I I I would say that me not so much. Same. I know it's a weird thing to think about.

SPEAKER_00 44:56

It is it is weird, and maybe that's an ego thing, and maybe that's what I'm because I saw the impact my mom had and the difference she made with so many different people. For me, I'm like, oh well, I want I want my kids to experience that. And they're probably not going to because I was not in education or you know, the influence that my mom had. And that's okay as long as I leave a positive spit on this world, right?

SPEAKER_02 45:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:22

As long as I love like Jesus.

SPEAKER_02 45:25

Yeah, and you are. So what are things that if had because I have not been through all of this yet. Like I said, I can speak from a grandparent perspective of losing, and I can speak to how my parents are preparing for their next stages now. But as someone who's walked through it, is there in hindsight I would have prepared myself differently for this? And this is what I will be doing differently to make sure I'm preparing my children Sunday.

SPEAKER_00 45:58

Oh gosh. I don't I don't I don't even know. I I just go back to different things about, you know, letting you're gonna grieve how you grieve. Don't get frustrated with, you know, Doug was great supporting me. And trying not to rush things or getting frustrated with people when you're like, okay, it shouldn't you be over by now. Some people, yes. Some people can move on very quickly, and some people just need need the extra time. But as far as my mom, no, like with my mom, we we she had everything written down. That that is the best for us, like down to the jewelry of which pieces of jewelry went to who. She had her legal legal notepad and wrote down, had a a very nice paragraph, and then said, Okay, this is who gets what. Wow. Carol Lee, by the way, you still have dishes that you are supposed to come pick up in the house. All of the holiday dishes are still at my house that you need to come get.

SPEAKER_02 47:18

Paige and Carole Lee.

SPEAKER_00 47:19

Page and Carolie.

SPEAKER_02 47:20

You better get those dishes, they're gonna find their way on your porch soon.

SPEAKER_00 47:25

She's like, She's like, No, you you host some of these. No, you host you host it. Mom gave them to you. Take the holiday dishes. That was very popular. Oh, wow. Holiday dishes, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, you name it.

SPEAKER_02 47:40

Yeah. I mean, I think in some of the things that you're talking about, one of the things that like rings in my head is that I am a little bit afraid to have some of these conversations because I I don't want it to take away from the joy of still having them here. Yeah. And that's not the right attitude.

SPEAKER_00 47:57

No, you have one of the one thing that I did is the year before my mom died for Christmas, I gave her a gift, and I forget what it's called, I'll have to go look, but it was each month she would get a prompt to write a story about herself and her like what's a favorite memory growing up, or who's your childhood best friend? And so every month, so for a year she got all these different prompts, and so then it became the it became a book about her.

SPEAKER_02 48:27

Yeah, I bought it for my dad because he loves to write, and I thought he would love it, and I got an an email from the place because I was the one who bought it. Saying then nothing. So, do you want to tell blah blah blah? Does he know how to log in? Like, oh like he didn't do it at all. And I bought like an extra copy of the book, and I was really sad that I mean, selfishly, I was really sad that he didn't do it. It's a great idea if somebody wants to follow through.

SPEAKER_00 48:58

My mom did it, and she finished her last one and within two weeks of of her of her finishing it. Wow. Her last story is when she passed away. So I I was very grateful. So we have all of those stories. Now, some of them she repeated, like you could tell, like there, because some of the stories or she was, but I'm grateful to I'm grateful to have them.

SPEAKER_02 49:22

Okay, so let's just do some practical takeaways here. Great. So I think kind of gathering what we're talking about, like it's never too soon to start having like conversations about these things.

SPEAKER_00 49:35

Never too soon to have conversations, especially if you have siblings with with older parents and you're deciding what's gonna happen if if caretakers need to come in. Is are they gonna move in with somebody? Yeah are you is somebody moving into their house? Yeah. Are they moving into a facility? Like those are conversations that need to be had, should have been had already, but need to be had.

SPEAKER_02 49:57

And I think uh also, and this is not just taking care of aging parents, is you know, like, yeah, definitely the organization process needs to start. But I think also what we can do for ourselves to prepare, to prepare is keeping things organized, having a binder, having wishes, having those things written out, having a place where there's passwords and yeah, so those things are super important. So when you're in the absolute mess of it, and as how can somebody who's going through this process right now, if I was to be a good friend to you, how could I come alongside you in this? Like what would have made you feel comforted? What would have been a way that someone could help share that emotional load with you?

SPEAKER_00 50:57

Just reaching out. And there are times when you wanted to talk and there are times when when you didn't. But the best thing that my my girlfriends did for me was for my mom's funeral, they just said, We are taking care of the food and everything and hosting afterwards. Wow. So don't worry about anything. And I didn't. They took they took care of everything. And so that was that was huge for someone to make the decision because you were you're making so many decisions for your family and for for other people. Well, for your family, to have somebody make a decision for you was like huge. Sorry, did you just hear it? I didn't care if we would have totally just skipped right on through that. If you wouldn't have said anything, but you said it. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 51:47

I'm so sorry. I don't know. I probably can't edit that out. And if you didn't hear it, oh you're gonna say it. No, I just had like this weird noise come up in my throat.

SPEAKER_00 51:56

I thought you burped.

SPEAKER_02 51:57

It it didn't feel like a burp, it just felt like something was like dramatic.

SPEAKER_00 52:02

There's our blooper.

SPEAKER_02 52:05

At least it's not me with my smelly feet. Really poignant moment where you're talking about accepting these gifts imperfect or not just the grace that are on I my throat isn't all good. So accept when people are are offering help. And give yourself grace, I think, because there's not a perfect goodbye.

SPEAKER_00 52:26

There is not a perfect goodbye.

SPEAKER_02 52:27

There. And that's hard for people who, whether you're type A, type B, whatever grief cycle you go through. Yeah. There's no perfect way to do this.

SPEAKER_00 52:36

And everybody, like even the four, my, my four, my three siblings, the four of us, we all grief totally differently. Clearly, Caroline and I are now laughing about everything. And there's so many more stories, but I'm not gonna get into all. That that is that is a what what are things? Yeah, no. Yeah. Well Well, you said too, like there are there are it's just when people die, when death happens, people get funky.

SPEAKER_02 53:03

Yes, yes, they do. And I think there's part of me that just wants to like not put anybody in that situation, but that's also a dumb thing, too. Because you're right, it's not about me. It no, you're right. It's it's not about the person who passed, it's about the people who are still there who want to celebrate them, miss them, share their thoughts, and just want to gather with people that they love. It's kind of selfish of me to be like, I don't want you to have that because I don't want ruckus to that.

SPEAKER_00 53:30

And you have like people will say completely inappropriate things all the time. You know, somebody said that, you know, the day of the funeral, someone called my sister and said, you know, my mom came to them as a psychic, and this is what she said. And it was like all of the stuff that was so yeah obvious, and you're like, oh, and I know what they're trying, they're trying to comfort, but I'm like, that's not that's not the stuff that that you want. Yeah, like I know where my mom is, she's not coming back down here. Not like that. No, I always not like that. I always always think of Lazarus when Jesus brought Lazarus back.

SPEAKER_01 54:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:09

And he was already up there. Yep. And uh, he'd be like, What the hell? Jesus, why'd you bring me back here? I John Chris does an awesome skit about it, but I always think about that too. Oh, yeah, like I think I was chilling upstairs.

SPEAKER_02 54:23

Oh well, while yeah, while I hope that I have many more years before I'm in the thick of it, the truth is is that I'm I'm thankful for people who had the experience you've walked through it because I can't live in denial that this thing these things are gonna happen. Yeah. And I'd rather walk into it open-handed and not like clenched that I'm gonna make poor decisions to the point where I don't make the decisions because I'm afraid. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:49

So I think, yeah, I think this is the start of a really important conversation. I mean, and and honestly, working working in hospice, it's very to see the families that are prepared and the families that aren't. And I'm like, my goodness, that you definitely want to be a family that is has have already had the conversations, not the one that's trying to make the conversations on the fly.

SPEAKER_02 55:09

Yeah. No, you're absolutely right. So yeah, we're always still gonna be their kids, but somehow we are we're quickly becoming the grown-ups.

SPEAKER_00 55:16

Yeah, we have to make yeah, sometimes we have to make the decisions.

SPEAKER_02 55:18

Now sometimes you gotta you gotta you gotta put the big girl panties on and make the the grown-up decisions.

SPEAKER_00 55:23

You said the word panties. I hate the word panties. Do you really? Yes, it's horrible. Undies, undies, underwear, big girl undies on. I don't know. Pants, can't we just say pants? Pants? Okay. The big girl pants? Yeah. We just totally digressed. Because I hate the word panties. Also, I don't even know why I said it. I don't even know why you said it either. It's like I also hate the word moist. And when you combine those two, it's the worst thing ever. That's a different podcast. All the words I hate.

SPEAKER_02 55:54

It is time to cut this one. If my burp didn't send you I know. We just totally went downhill.

SPEAKER_00 56:06

No one is gonna listen to this will.

SPEAKER_02 56:08

All right, I we are I was just gonna say we're just kidding, but no, actually, the majority of this was really serious. So I really hope you did listen. And we're gonna see you next week. Bye.