Grieving What’s Gone… and Finally Admitting We’re Not Fine

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome back. This is the Kinda Preachy Podcast. I am one of your hosts, Steph Moore, and I am alongside Casey Bryant. And we are here freshly post-Thanksgiving. Uh do you have your jeans unbuttoned?

SPEAKER_02 0:18

I'm it's rough. It it was I really didn't eat all day except for that, but then I realized when I'm cooking, I I tend to taste everything.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Because you're a host.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Because I'm a host. We I hosted.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

I am a non-host. I am a bring pies from Costco kind of girl.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

Well, my my pie experience from Costco is a whole realm that we're gonna talk about later.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

I'm I'm that yeah. So um let's talk about a little bit about our uh oh we we'll just we'll do like a like an abbreviated crappy happy um this week. So let's let's let's just do your happy.

SPEAKER_02 0:57

Great. My happy is for the first time since August, all of my family is together under one roof. I know it was so so nice.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

I my happy is going to be first of all, I felt like I I kind of um trauma dumped a little bit on you all last week. And I was like, I feel like I'm kind of going in the slippery slope. And I was taking a nap at like 6 30 at night, which is probably not a good time to take a nap. I just kind of like for me that's bedtime. I know it was a bedtime.

SPEAKER_02 1:29

Um, not bad time, bed bedtime. 6 30. Is that not bedtime? No?

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:37

I mean, it was just one of those days. I mean, I I feel like when I'm not in my best place, I'm tired. Like that's just one of my telltale songs. I'm like, it's songs. I sing. No, I don't. Can you sing for us? No. Um, but I was like 6 30 at night, and I'm I'm kind of dozing off a little bit in my chair, and um my phone rings, and she was like, inner chance you're not at home right now. And I was half asleep, so I'm like, I don't know what you're saying. Um, it was Nidra, friend of the podcast, Adventure Mom. And she was like, There's no way you can be downtown in like 25 minutes, can you? To be fair, I live 25 minutes away from downtown with no traffic, you know? And she and I was like, okay, like what for? And she was like, Well, I have pentatonics tickets.

SPEAKER_02 2:27

Yes, I will be downtown.

SPEAKER_00 2:28

And I flew out of my clothes so fast, I made it in record speed to her house. We end up at pentatonics and with incredible seats. Unfortunately, her friend got the flu. Couldn't get rid of her tickets. I do feel bad for her friend. But then we had to sick for somebody means we had these wonderful tickets. We were like right next to the state, we were just to the side of the stage, and um, we had this little boy in front of us. I would say he was probably f five, six, seven, couldn't be more than that. And every time they're like, Is it your first show? And you know, he's raising his hand, they're like, Who's the biggest fan? He's he's raising his hand, and it's all you know, a cappella, and so this there's they hold the thing that their microphones and they make noises, you know, like these chest things, and he's doing all the motions with it, and he is just filled with so much joy. It was like every bit of my funk that I was feeling was just melting away. And for someone who wasn't feeling the same holidays like going into the holidays, that I'm like, I I I just loved it.

SPEAKER_02 3:32

So a pentatonics and a five-year-old melted away.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

100%, 100%. It was just it was so sweet, and it just made me just take a perspective change. And I was like, you know what? Thanks, Lord. Like, you knew that I needed to see this. Yeah. And even though I was in my very fuzzy, cozy new leopard pajamas, um You did not, did you wear those?

SPEAKER_02 3:55

I did not.

SPEAKER_00 3:56

I did not. No, I put on real clothes.

SPEAKER_02 3:59

Okay. I that's a whole another topic because I keep seeing all of these high schoolers wearing PJ pants.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

I'm not I'm not in that vein, but my pajamas are very comfortable.

SPEAKER_02 4:09

But I think if if we would wear pajama pants out, our children would be like, no, this is not you.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

I also think that you not only should you not wear pajama pants, I feel that you should not wear the pimple patches out in public.

SPEAKER_02 4:23

Yeah, I'm a fan of that too. I don't like that at all.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

It it it I see it a lot and I'm like, I don't understand. But I do think this next generation is obviously more comfortable with themselves than we are.

SPEAKER_02 4:33

Because we were like the concealer. Like, give me the concealer to cover up those zits and those blackheads as much as possible. Like, I'm not gonna shine a giant star pimple patch on them to be like, look, I have a pimple here.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

And we never had pimple patches. That wasn't even a thing that we had. We just were like, how how much, you know, cover girl, you know, could we put on top of it? Because there wasn't even I I was not at the end of the day. We did not have concealer. We didn't have all of the fun stuff, no. It was, you know, wet and wild cover girl.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

That was Maybelline if you fancy.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

Listen, and if you're yeah, maybe if you got your mom's stuff, you could have Revlon or Maybelline. But I mean that wasn't like in the high school budget. So okay. All right. So we said we weren't going to do this today, and then here we go. Here we go. Um I I gotta be honest, I don't really have a crappy this week. I I I'm not, I'm not which is which is great. I'm not I'm not that's awesome.

SPEAKER_02 5:28

You don't have to have a crappy, like you should not force it.

SPEAKER_00 5:30

I'm not gonna force it this week, so but I do think our crappy is gonna be your crappy is gonna lead into our topic for today.

SPEAKER_02 5:36

Yes. Well, part of my crappy was I worked out, which is not crappy, it's awesome, but it was tricep day, which is my arms were killing me, and then we had to go rake leaves to get ready for everybody coming to our house because our yard was full of leaves and they come, the leaf people come, you know, twice during the winter, and so we had to get them out so that they could collect the leaves from our street, and my arms were killing me. Not to mention that I stepped in dog poop. So I was not a happy girl, but our yard does look amazing. But also the fun thing was the wind was blowing and I felt guilty, but the wind was blowing and my leaves were going into my neighbor's yard.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

I'm like, I'm so sorry. I can't help the weather.

SPEAKER_02 6:26

Thank you, God, for blowing those leaves over to you in your yard. I'm sorry, not sorry, I'm sorry. My arms hurt. This is a gift from the Lord. I know. All the colors. And I was a very kind mom because I let the children have the leaf blower. So Doug and I were the ones raking, and the children were blowing leaves. So maybe the wind coming from the leaf blower. No, it wasn't. It was very windy the day that we did that.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

But okay. You mentioned uh you had a traumatic pie experience.

SPEAKER_02 7:03

I did have a traumatic pie experience. One, I went to Costco Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Definitely at 4 p.m.

SPEAKER_00 7:12

It feels like poor planning on your part.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

It was a hundred percent poor planning on my part. Poor planning. And going to Costco itself is is pretty intense. Going to Costco on a Wednesday before Thanksgiving at 4 p.m. is really intense, especially for pumpkin pies. And one, the pies were completely most of them were burnt at that point in time. The one the very few that were left. I sh you saw you saw the pic.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

It was my TikTok. Yeah, your TikTok. Um and they did not look appetizing.

SPEAKER_02 7:45

It did not. But we found the one, one pie left that was not burnt that we um so you feel like it was success. Like, okay, we did it. We got the pumpkin pie.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

All right.

SPEAKER_02 7:57

I would love to say that that pumpkin pie was eaten one slice. One slice was eaten out of it yesterday. So um, was it worth it? No, totally not worth it. But the the part that had me reeling, is that the right word I want to say, was Costco is right next to where I used to work. And we talked about grief and losing a couple weeks ago with Nidra. We talked about like losing loved ones. But there is such a grief that I didn't realize I'm experiencing and still am experiencing of just when life uh unexpectedly changes. When um it's not when the job you thought you were gonna have for a very long time is now not going to happen. And I I thought this could be a very interesting topic because as we're heading into holidays, grief doesn't always look the same and it always isn't because we lose a loved one to actual death. It could be because there are things that we experience, whether it be you know, we talked about it before, like we've talked about this a lot death of friendships of like when you thought you had a really good friend and all of a sudden that friendship is gone, or you know, your life unexpectedly changes, or how you thought your life was going to go is not what's happening. And there is this whole entire process of grieving what it what it is, and I just did not realize, and maybe I should, because I keep saying, I'm fine, I'm fine, everything's fine, I got a new job, everything's great, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm like, oh, I'm not. I'm not fine.

SPEAKER_00 9:41

And I honestly thought you were saying you're fine, you're fine. I'm I partner was like, wow, she's really processing things really fast because uh I have also left jobs. And I and I do think I mean I think leaving jobs you love is really hard for whatever reason. And ministry jobs it i i it's an extra um I don't it it's hard because that's there's just so much investment in it and the people and the place. And I think your body has a rhythm of what that looks like. And you going to Costco and getting that pie um Thanksgiving, we would know working in a church, especially what an insanely busy season that is. So I think your body is almost like w passing that in that season of knowing what it would have been, what you thought it would be.

SPEAKER_02 10:39

It's a realization because for us, you know, while half the city is going out and getting blackout Wednesday, we used to have well, but they still have services on Wednesday. And so it was the first time that I had not been working. And so you're passing over there as they're prepping for a service and that I'm like, oh my gosh, I wow, this is my first service that I Wednesday's Thanksgiving Eve service that I have not been at or worked in eighteen years. And who would have thought a pumpkin pie, going to get a pumpkin pie, would have hit all of those emotions, and I'm like, how am I how am I gonna process this? And because it's gonna continue through Christmas. Christmas, you know, it's it's just going to continue, and I'm like, oh, this is this is just not like a a one and done, like I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

This is a I I gotta really You're gearing up for this season of not only is your schedule not what it was, your what your body has trained to do, what your family rhythms have been, because part of working at a church is your family helps participate in everything. You're not going to the events that you've always gone to. Absolutely. You are still friends and friendly with so many people who are a part of it that you absolutely love. You're going to be seeing the Christmas pictures that take place at the place at at church because it's a beautiful church, you know? And you're gonna see, you know, the way things have been set up. So even though you're not physically in the place, it's impossible to be uh fully removed from it because of social media, just to where it is, your relationships with these people, like so Yeah, I'm you're gonna grieve. I mean, a few months is probably not even in the the realm of where you uh will end up being in the end.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

But I want to be over it. I know. I I really do just want to be on the other side of it, and part of it I think is fear of of what's coming new. Because you're go I'm going into a season uh with a new job of just not knowing. I don't know anybody I work with. There is zero um expectation of, you know, or fear. I don't know. Am I gonna like it, am I not gonna like it? And I when something ends and something news, I think it's always just that because I I think for a while I was fine, and I don't know if it's because I passed it getting my pumpkin pie or because I start my new role in a in a week where I'm like, there is so much change, and maybe that's what it is, maybe it's just change. There is so much change all of a sudden happening all at once, where there was nothing for months and months and months of me just kind of doing the same routine every single day, and all of a sudden I'm like, Oh, now I'm going into something new, and are are they gonna like me? Am I am I gonna do well at my new job?

SPEAKER_00 13:43

Well, yes and yes. Yeah, but I get but I get it, I get it. I mean, um we we go through the whole thing where we just we start convincing, we say it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, because uh for some things, like if someone says, How are you doing, they run into you like somewhere random. You're like, Great, starting a new job, kids are home from school, like this is great, and they're and they're not gonna pry. No, and this isn't the time for you to go. But it's like you have to tell that I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, out loud to some people, and yet because you there are some things that you're not even ready to deal with yet, you lie to yourself and say it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

Oh, absolutely. And I knew like my worst fear on that Wednesday would be if I ran into anybody. Because if I ran into anybody, they would know I'm not fine because I full-on I had no makeup on, my hair was in a bun, but I had a hoodie on, sweatpants on. I look like I should be at Walmart more than I should be. Costco. But I'm like, please, Lord, do not let me run in anybody because someone's gonna see me and they're gonna be like, oh, she's in she's in bad shape.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

She just she didn't even care what she looks like anymore. She just let it all go. I don't even know if I wore a bra. I think I was wearing a tank top. So bad. I didn't want to, and it was, it was like the the debate was like, do we get a pungum pie at Carver?

SPEAKER_02 15:13

Do we just go right down the street or do we but the kids really wanted uh us to get Costco pie?

SPEAKER_00 15:18

Costco pie is superior.

SPEAKER_02 15:19

A hundred percent is superior.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

In fact, it just didn't matter because nobody ate it at your house.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

I know. So no, I just pung pie that has caused all of this, and I went out in public when I probably shouldn't have seen people. So thankfully I did not run into a single person I knew, or I looked so bad.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

Like, not get into this or something.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

Right by me and said, uh-uh. I'm not gonna talk to her. I will get stuck down into her tunnel of death and of sadness. I'm just gonna walk right on by her.

SPEAKER_00 15:49

We're just gonna let her shin suckle, you know, like go down that by on our own. And we're not gonna touch you'll know if you get like a text from somebody like, I was thinking about you.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

You're like, oh, you saw me. You saw me. Costco, don't lie to me.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Don't lie. It was I eating every free sample there was, oh, 100% in my hoodie with no bra on and sweatpants. Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

So uh so because you are super fresh in this, and I have definitely had my fair share of I have left jobs that I've loved. I've we I've shared that before. Um, I don't know, we haven't really touched much on le uh the the loss of friendships. Oh, yeah. But that has definitely been I've had to mourn a few deep, meaningful friendships that have failed and has bro absolutely broken my heart.

SPEAKER_02 16:38

It is hard making friends. I think especially as we get older as females, it is really hard making friends and and keeping friends long lasting.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Making and maintaining are two totally different things. I feel like I'm probably really good at making friends, but maintaining ones are are difficult. And there have been some that have been like but let's dive in just for a second because this is so n newer for you.

SPEAKER_03 17:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:08

What is the like this isn't big for a death of a family member, but somebody's going through a a huge change in their life. Okay? Something's going on with their family. You know something is going on. What would be the right way if someone who's trying to maintain a friendship with you to approach you in a state where you are you're fine. You're fine.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

Oh, yeah. Who honestly want to approach you. Who honestly want to approach me um and not try to get the scoop. Because that's because that's a lot of not a lot of people, but there's people interested on what happened. Um, but or just calling, you know, reaching out, honestly just be honest and be like, hey, I'm just checking on you. And I And don't get be offended if one, if I don't respond right away, or if I say, Hey, I'm I'm I'm not great, but now I can't I can't talk.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

And can we say that if someone approaches you for a scoop about, you know, your job transition, can we just be really blunt here and say you won't get one?

SPEAKER_02 18:14

That is a hundred percent correct. They will not get an answer.

SPEAKER_00 18:16

They will not get an answer because that's private. It is yes. And nobody else's business nobody's business. It's nobody's business. And you know, not only that, I mean like it's just it's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_02 18:29

Yeah. And there's no and there's and that's part of it is the rehashing. Like there's no point in continuing to rehash something that I can no longer it's done, it's over with, and and just trying to move forward. It's I think as women too, maybe, we ruminate on things and conversations and um you know, situations and decisions we make, and I think that's part of the grieving process. And I think that goes with friendships too, as far as, you know, did I say the right thing? Did I did did I mess that up? Was it was it them? Was it me? Like who who who is at who is at fault? And I think that's the hardest part because we want to bl we want to put blame.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

I think we want to put blame, we want to do because we want to be able to put it in a box.

SPEAKER_03 19:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

The same way with the with the job situation, with the friend situation, like if we can just package it in a bow, like this was even if it was our fault. Yeah. If we could just identify why it didn't work, then it's easier to put away.

SPEAKER_02 19:28

And I am such a self-deprecating person that I always put blame on myself.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

Me too.

SPEAKER_02 19:34

Always. Like to the point where it's it's it's bad.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

So when you said also, a fun fact here, um, I did not w know what we were talking about until hundred percent. Until we walked in. Until I walked in. We texted earlier this week and we're like, what do you want to talk about? She's like, I really like how you surprised me last week. I was like, Okay, let's do it again this week. And um, so up until a few minutes ago, I didn't like she told me right before we started recording. Um, all that being said, the first thought that came to my mind, obviously I have been through the job transition before. Um, but my first thing with grief when it comes to not a death of a person but a death of a a friendship. Um, a really there was one one situation that came to my mind right away.

SPEAKER_03 20:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

And I had a friend who was a dear friend. We were fast friends, like super. I mean, like we got.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

Was this late in life? Early, like where how like what age bracket are we talking about?

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Um I'm in my early early 30s.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

Okay, okay. So this isn't Yeah. This is after kids.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

This is after kids, and I feel like I had a hang of the adult friendships. I had adult friendships, it was going well. Somebody came into my life, it was a neighbor, and gosh, I just adored this person. I mean, we just our kids were the same age. Um, well, not all of them, but you know, like our her oldest and my youngest at that point. I didn't have Abby then. Yeah. Um, just cutest little things on the face of the planet. And I just um we just connected really fast. We had similar interests, you know, s we just the whole the play date thing. We were doing coffee every Friday. Oh wow Um We were inviting the neighborhood ladies over. It was like this cute little thing where we would rotate everybody's house, and it was kind of like in a um I was w working then, but I had like a lot of flexibility in my job. So on Fridays we were, you know, let the little ones play and we'd have, you know, coffee with Bailey's every Friday morning. And like, you know, it was just like a a this thing that I really look forward to. And I had noticed that, you know, as kind of like the group grew a little bit, like some of the dynamics were changing. The more people we added to our friendship, uh it got it was just different. And I noticed um I wasn't probably jiving with one person. Mm-hmm. And um, but they were jiving with each other.

SPEAKER_02 22:07

Oh. And so so all of a sudden there's a thr a group of three and you're the there was actually more than that, you know.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

But there was one person I was just gonna, you know, and I tried really hard.

SPEAKER_03 22:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:18

And I found myself, you know, like not getting invited to things, and I was like, okay. I'm gonna I'm gonna try not to have my feelings hurt about this. Um now this friend and I, we were like, it was not unusual for us to just show up at each other's house. I mean, like, w not because we're walking in sort of friends, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 22:38

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:38

Um, because in my mind, like, we've probably texted multiple times that morning, so it didn't even occur that we were when I said we were neighbors, so that was that. And um I w walked over once, you know, I was caring, I was gonna give something back to her, and I walked in, and um, I think I knocked, I don't think I like walked all the way in, but I knocked and she answered the door, and all of the ladies in the neighborhood are having coffee with all the kids playing, and I was the only one not invited. And it was like the first time I was like, Okay, it's not in my head. Because I was like in my head, because the whole all of the thing was like, Okay, it's in my head. It's I don't know why you're not, you know, like it's probably but like I said, we're like self-deprecating. It's like we worst case scenario, but then we're also like, it's probably not nearly as bad as what we're saying in our head.

SPEAKER_02 23:26

And so this was like Oh, it is as bad as I thought it was.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

This is what I thought it was going to be.

SPEAKER_02 23:32

And um What were the excuses?

SPEAKER_00 23:35

What were the reasons I would She looked at me and it was like I looked at her and I kind of just threw what I was I had in my head, I don't remember what it was, and I was like, okay, here. And walked out. I walked out. I mean, I didn't go in, there wasn't an invite, and like not that it mattered, I would not have gone in. Like it was it I I didn't know what I was gonna do. But that was kind of like the beginning of the downfall of this thing.

SPEAKER_02 24:00

And um So are you the person who but you normally are the person who confronts it. So did you confront that?

SPEAKER_00 24:06

I okay. So then I was speaking to another neighbor who was, I would say, not as in with the main group as everybody else was.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:16

In sort of, you know, so it started with you two, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:19

It grew. Yes. You are now on the outskirts.

SPEAKER_00 24:22

Now I'm kind of on the outskirts, but we're still trying to have a relationship, but I'm, you know, I end up talking to a neighbor and I was getting upset a little bit, and she was I said, I just feel not invited, you know. And the other person confided in me, and she was like, Well, honey, I don't feel I don't feel invited. I don't think she called me honey, but I mean like, you know, in your mind. In my mind, it was like this empathetic, you know, like I get it, you know, like, and so I'm like, I'm like, I'm kinda crying to you, you're kind of crying to me. And um and then I have a r I have a conversation with my original friend, you know, and I was like, you know, I'm you know, I was kind of you know, crying it out with this other person, and she was telling me the same thing, she also feels left out. Well, then she immediately went and told the other person that I wasn't getting along with, saying, Well, so-and-so cried to a you know, Stephanie. Now I probably did use the word cry, but I said it in the way in like we were kind of crying to each other, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 25:20

But then it was taken and twisted.

SPEAKER_00 25:21

But it was taken in like I she was sobbing and I was consoling, and it was this whole thing, and um other person got really angry with me. Oh like really angry with me. Um because she went in confront of the other person. I don't she just I don't have an issue with you. You know, and she was trying to make that one better. And I was like, ooh. So then I I I'm realizing all of these things are happening, and I'm like, okay, this was a really poor choice of word, but I don't think it was like a it wasn't meant to be what it was. It was a I also thought I was having a private conversation.

SPEAKER_02 25:54

Little did you know.

SPEAKER_00 25:55

Little yeah, little did I know. That is what did I use a word for dramatic emphasis? I'm not saying that I didn't.

SPEAKER_02 26:01

Um we will take ownership, but but it makes you realize like you always have to be careful of who you talk to and who you trust because you have no idea. So when your words are gonna get twisted.

SPEAKER_00 26:13

So I say all that it was because I'm like, well, I can fix this.

SPEAKER_03 26:17

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 26:18

And I'm gonna go a problem solver. I'm gonna go to the girl and I'm just gonna say I'm sorry, and she's gonna say I'm sorry back, and we're gonna own our own our shit. You know, yeah, but it's gonna be great. So I walk, you know, our kids are getting out on the bus, and so I said, Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? And I I say it, and she was like, Great, I accept your apology, but I don't want to have anything to do with you.

SPEAKER_02 26:40

And I was like Wait, this this was the friend who you started?

SPEAKER_00 26:43

This is like no, the other friend. This is the other friend. Oh, this is the one that you know you really never got along with, but I can't say we didn't get along because we were, you know, it just you can tell like different vibes. Got it, got it, got it. Got it, I'm with you, I'm with you. But they're all vibing, and it was like, okay, and I'm like, okay, well, things are the other friendship, but I'm like, I don't know how to recover from this because obviously the group larger is now not with me.

SPEAKER_03 27:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:06

And I would say over the course of a year, um, and I had gotten pregnant during that year, and I just had, you know, I had Abby during that season. Um, I just watched that friendship just slowly dissolve. And um I mean she also was my neighbor.

SPEAKER_02 27:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:28

Like it's not like you don't see these people. Um and I was heartbroken. I mean, just heartbroken, pulling into my neighborhood every single time, wanting to cry, just hoping these people aren't outside. Like, if I go in my backyard, are they barbecuing on the back porch?

SPEAKER_02 27:43

Yeah, because what am I being left out of? You know, and it was Do they even care that I'm not there?

SPEAKER_00 27:48

It and to be honest with you, it I have seen I I I have nothing but kind things to say about um my old neighbor, and she's she lives somewhere else now, and if she were to listen right now, she knows how much I love her. You know? Because we can text once or twice a year, and it's like nothing changed. But also I know it changed.

SPEAKER_03 28:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:15

My trust level was different. And I would say probably they would say their trust level with me was different. I'm not I'm definitely owning anything I had because at that point in time I was also having a super rough time in my marriage.

SPEAKER_03 28:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:27

Um just, you know, we weren't really connecting, we were doing the roommate thing, you know, just life life was lifing, okay? So I was putting more effort into these friendships than I was probably putting into my marriage. The same way I think we do with jobs, the same thing we do with other things like sometimes something is there's there's a sieve and it's and it's it's draining us. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:55

Well, I think part of it is w with all of it with friends and stuff, is you want someone to miss you. You want someone to realize you're gone, you want to know that was was I important? Did did I matter in your in your life, uh, you know, in in your your community, in your work spot, like was I am I missed? Yeah. Maybe that's maybe that's what probably part of what I am going through. And and most of these came up because I met with somebody and they were um in this person whom my gosh, amazing, amazing person. And she was talking about how her and her husband they took a break from from going to church for a while, and um no one noticed. No one noticed. And that made me feel like shit. Because that's on me. And I'm and I'm feeling what she's feeling on the other side of it. And I'm like, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I am and I said that I said I am so sorry. She's like, no, no, no, it's it's it's it's a big place, like it's not, and I'm like, no, no, it it is. It is.

SPEAKER_00 30:12

She took a break when you were working there. Uh-huh. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 30:14

Yeah, oh yeah, a hundred percent. And um it it's that that grief of what she what she's feeling, but the the grief of realizing, man, I don't want anyone to feel like they're questioning do do they do they matter? And that goes for friendships because when you lose a friendship, you're like, Did did I matter to that person?

SPEAKER_00 30:46

I think when yeah, so when you when you leave a job, when you leave a friendship, or friendship leaves you, you or friendship leaves you. Or a job leaves you. Or a job leaves you. Really, either way. Yeah. I mean, all of these things, like, whether they are a slow build or you know, it happens really fast, I mean, the flip of things not working out the way that they thought they were going to, you know, you invest in people. You invest in jobs because you want to do your absolute best. Yeah. You invest in people because you want the best for them, but also they generally bring out the best in you.

SPEAKER_03 31:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:23

So being a really good friend isn't generally hard because it's a joy.

SPEAKER_01 31:29

It should be joy.

SPEAKER_00 31:31

Now, when you mix the friendship uh role with work, like with what you're talking about, you know, that's a little more tricky. Yeah. Because there you have this authority role. Yeah. And it's it's hard. Well, you and I've talked about this before. The we actually had to sit down of like, I don't know what we are. Like Yeah, are we friends? Are we not friends? Are we friends or are we not friends? Do you just, you know, am I just your volunteer? Like, I kind of feel like I I don't know where I stand right now. We kind of got in some muddy waters. So now you have these these other people who are like, okay, you didn't notice me leaving.

SPEAKER_02 32:10

But she never put it on me like to do it. But it it's like me. I put you totally put it on me. But no, but when she was and she didn't mean it to be negative, like at all. It we were just having conversations, but when she was talking about it, it was like, oh my gosh, you're you're hitting the feeling that I'm having right now of the case.

SPEAKER_00 32:31

So this was our recent conversation.

SPEAKER_02 32:33

Oh yeah, this was this has been the last month.

SPEAKER_00 32:36

Okay, so you had a recent conversation, so she's telling you something that happened prior, and so you're just connecting all the dots.

SPEAKER_02 32:41

I'm connecting all the dots.

SPEAKER_00 32:42

Connecting all the dots, feeling all the feelings.

SPEAKER_02 32:44

Feeling all the feelings, feeling all the feelings that I want to not feel that I want to be over, and I hate that I keep feel like I keep going back to it and bringing it up. And um because I don't want to.

unknown 32:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:59

You know, I want to be in this freaking happy season of it's Christmas. But also I I don't have a job, so well, I do have a job coming up soon, but I don't have a paycheck, so you know, the realization of what Christmas looks like for our kids, and and they understand and they're very grateful, and we talked about it a little bit last week, but also of of the disappointment of of that grief, of the disappointment, are we going to disappoint our children because our Christmas isn't going to be what it typically I can tell you right now, I know your children, and it's it's not gonna be my head.

SPEAKER_00 33:32

But I get the expectation of what you have in your head. And your expectation was um I I'm leaving this position. Yeah. I'm gonna get over it. I'm strong, powerful, not only am I gonna get the job, but I'm gonna get this job right away. It's gonna be just a hiccup. I will enjoy kind of uh, you know, a few weeks of vacation. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 33:51

And and then I'm gonna nothing that I planned out, nothing went or nothing that I thought how can I say this better, how I thought this was gonna go is nothing like how it went.

SPEAKER_04 34:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:03

And that itself is a whole entire grieving process of what your expectations and what you think is going to happen and what people are pumping you up with, right? And so when I made the decision to go ahead and and and leave, I was the people who love me and who were surrounding me were like, it's gonna be okay, Casey, because you're gonna find a job right away. You know, you're gonna have people who are going to reach out to you because you're so incredible. And so your ego, my ego, is getting pumped. And like all of these, all of these um people and and and I'm being told of how awesome I am, and it's gonna be so easy, and don't worry about it. You're you're gonna have this job, and life is gonna be everything is going to be okay. And eventually it will be, but nothing that I thought how it was gonna go went. It actually went the exact opposite. It got really, really hard. And that itself, you know, I think, you know, grieving our I guess my own ego, grieving like who I thought and how this was going to go, and it was gonna be so simple. And let's be honest, nothing ever is is simple because then it wouldn't be life.

SPEAKER_04 35:13

No.

SPEAKER_02 35:14

Because I don't think God ever gives us like I would love God to give has God ever given you a playbook like, here you go, Steph. Here's your playbook for your life, and this is going to be, you know.

SPEAKER_00 35:22

No, but I've really tried to write one for myself.

SPEAKER_02 35:26

And every time, and I think that's it, every time I try to write it myself, it it totally fails and gets blown out of the water. Like nothing I nothing I do works out. Every vision board, every um I stopped like having a word of the year because every time I had a word of the year, the exact opposite happened. I'm like, okay, God, not doing that again. Joy, joy is gonna be our our word, and everyone in my family dies. Not everyone. I'm like, I'm like nine days later, my mom's gone. 14 months later, my dad's gone. I'm like, okay, new word. I need a new word. I just totally yelled in this microphone. I'm sorry, everybody.

SPEAKER_00 36:04

Oh, shoot. I just got really excited. Not last year, but the year before, when I was like, I'm making these moves, my ear, the word is bold. I'm doing all of these, I'm moving into a new job. I'm going back into ministry. And it was like, no, you're not. Uh uh. Not already. I would like you to be quiet.

SPEAKER_01 36:23

I want you to shut up. That's what God said, shut up.

SPEAKER_00 36:26

That's not, yeah. No, that's not what he said. However, all of the things that I thought he was preparing me for, you know, it was it was just it just did not pan out. So yeah, Bold was like, okay, actually, um, could meek be my word? Because I don't even want to show up here.

SPEAKER_02 36:41

And and maybe maybe grief really isn't the right word. Maybe it's uh grief of expectations. Maybe it is grief.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

I think it's grief of expectations.

SPEAKER_02 36:50

I mean what the life that you we thought, and I maybe I'm curious, uh uh, because we can't be the only people thinking like in my 47 years old with children in college and children in middle school, I I am my life is not how I thought it was going to turn out. I'm not upset about it. I love I am so grateful and for for my life and so blessed. I totally understand that. But man, I did not this was we always say that this was not on my bucket list of 2025.

SPEAKER_00 37:25

On my bucket list, um or my bingo card. That being said, I mean, you are much older than I am.

SPEAKER_02 37:31

By a year. Um Right. Am I am I a year older than you? I'm 45. Oh my gosh, I'm two years older than you.

SPEAKER_00 37:39

As my elder, I'm gonna forgive you for not knowing. It's so teasing. I'm just kidding. Um, yeah, I my husband just he just had a birthday, and so he's a he I he likes to be referred to as the older man now. You know, for the few months that he's a little bit older than I am, and he wakes up on his birthday every year. He's like, How does it feel to be married to an older man? It's his favorite joke. It's the only it's he tells it constantly every year. Yeah, he looks forward to it every year.

SPEAKER_02 38:04

Yeah, I'm I'm so I have no issues. I'm married to a a much older man.

SPEAKER_00 38:09

But it is a running joke, you know.

SPEAKER_02 38:11

It makes me smile. For how many months is he older than you?

SPEAKER_00 38:13

I mean four.

SPEAKER_02 38:16

Oh, oh.

SPEAKER_00 38:17

It's a very short season.

SPEAKER_01 38:20

Bless his heart. That's all I gotta say. Bless his heart.

SPEAKER_02 38:26

You were just respecting me though, as being someone two years.

SPEAKER_00 38:30

Oh, I'm teasing. Um, I I I want to say, like you I get yeah. Yeah, we have what expectations of what we thought was going to be. I thought that um when we moved into our home, this was gonna be our starter home. Uh 20 years later, I still live in it. You know, I thought, you know, I was, you know, going to be in traditional ministry forever. And I'm not. Yeah. I thought that I was investing in people that were gonna be in my life forever. And sometimes they're not. And, you know, when I shared that, you know, friendship story, it's in the end, I learned so much of it. Yeah, I learned so much from it.

SPEAKER_02 39:17

And that's part of it is is is going through the journey and learning about yourself and who you are, and learning what who God created you to be, so you that you can take it to the next phase. But being in it, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:29

I mean, I mean I freaking sucks. I can tell you, you know, like just tiny little stories from it, you know, was that. However, I remember the day that I went to this person and I and I said, I'm sorry, and I took complete ownership over everything, thinking she was going to do it back.

unknown 39:48

I got nothing.

SPEAKER_01 39:50

Well, you got the exact opposite, girl. You got you were forgiven, and she's like, But I'm nothing to do with you.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

All that being said, I went home and I was like, okay. I and I'm so angry. I kind of walk back to my house and I'm fighting back tears, and I'm like, okay, something's gotta give here, you know, like, why didn't you rectify this, God? And it was almost instantly. I mean, this is going way off topic. That's what we're known for.

SPEAKER_01 40:22

We um we do, we we go.

SPEAKER_00 40:25

So we're veering. I love that we're veering off topic. It was almost instantly, and I was like, I was like, why didn't you make this better, God? Like I did my part. Like I swallowed upright, even though I didn't really think what I did was that bad. Yeah. You know? I took way more responsibility than what I thought that I should have, but because I thought it was gonna make it better. And he was like, This is not the person you needed to apologize to.

SPEAKER_03 40:48

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

I mean, one of those God, you know, thoughts that is so audible in your head because you forgive everybody. Yeah, it was one of those things that I was and I was like, Who am I supposed to apologize to? Yeah. And he was like, Oh, you know. And I'm like, gosh dang it. I have to go apologize to my husband. No, that's what it brought up.

SPEAKER_02 41:22

All of that had been was So what were you I I think I know why you had apologized, but I want you to say what why you had apologized to your husband.

SPEAKER_00 41:30

I apologized to my husband because I I put him on the back burner for like a year.

SPEAKER_02 41:33

Yeah. Even while pregnant with his child.

SPEAKER_00 41:37

Oh no, we got pregnant after that. No, this is good. It wasn't long enough to you said we couldn't talk about sex. Uh okay.

SPEAKER_01 41:53

Well, we didn't. Yeah, you did. You brought it up, not this girl. Normally I'm the one who brings up sex. Um your face is bright red. Hot flash, hot flash.

SPEAKER_00 42:06

Yes. Um, no, the whole really weird season of me trying so hard to fit in with this friend group was the time where I was basically giving my husband the cold shoulder. He was working extremely hard, he was coaching, he was teaching, he was in school to try and like, you know, get something so an X degree so he could move up in education. And um, I was just like, you're not giving me any time. I'm I I I don't need this from you. So I was seeking validation, yeah, I was seeking comfort, I was seeking attention, not in like romantic sexual ways from other people. Well, no, but I'm just saying I know what you mean. But you know, the things that I should have, all of these things that I should have been seeking from my husband and investing the same in him, by the way, not just what I should be getting out of that. Yeah, we shouldn't get be getting from him. I was just like, you know what? I don't need this from you.

SPEAKER_03 42:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:58

I can get all of my feelings of feeling like I'm an important person from other people.

SPEAKER_03 43:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:03

And maybe someday down the line we'll figure it back out. But um I I'm just not I'm not there right now with you. I'm just not feeling I'm not even feeling the need to connect with you. Um so when I felt that, you know, he's like, Oh, you know, you know, you know who you need to talk to. Oh I came home, or he came home, and I'm sitting and I'm sobbing. And he comes up to me. I I I I I kid you not, he comes and he picks me, he almost like physically picks me up, which wasn't a small girl. Still not a small girl. Um and he kind of sits with me and I just start blubbering that I'm sorry, I've been putting all of this attention, all these things. And I all I can think is all he's heard me do for the last year is complain about these friendships. Yeah. And I thought, oh my gosh. I bet he's all these things I've been trying to get out of them and I haven't I'm like I bet he's been thinking like I wish he wanted to fight for us the same way. And I'm realizing it and I'm blubbering and I'm crying and I'm just like I I don't want you and I to die. This can die.

SPEAKER_02 44:19

Yeah, those those friendships.

SPEAKER_00 44:20

These can die.

SPEAKER_02 44:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:23

But you and I, I don't want this to die. And he just looked at me and goes, I forgive you. And that was that. And I was like, I've been pretty mean to you for a year. Wow. Yeah. Um, I've been pretty mean. I've been, you know. Not to mention I'm I work at a church at this point. Yeah. I'm just, I have just I made my life so busy with everything else. You know, so can we also just say that people who work at churches don't put us on pedestals?

SPEAKER_03 44:53

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:53

We are dealing with the same stuff in our homes and our families and our friendship, all the same things like our marriage, our kids, our parenting, um, how we deal with our families. Nobody has it right. And whether you're working in ministry, if you're working at an insurance company, if you're working at McDonald's, like we're all struggling with the same dynamics of people because relationships are messy.

SPEAKER_02 45:19

They they are they're very, very messy. And um gosh, to to go back to um where you were talking about your validation from from your friends from this the friend group, and I keep thinking, I'm like, okay, sometimes God puts us through hardships. You know, we talk about grief, grief, death death of things because he's weeding out, not because a thing wasn't good. Because a lot of times, you know, things God weeds, you know, can be great.

SPEAKER_00 45:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:54

But it's because our focus was not possibly on the right thing.

SPEAKER_00 45:59

Oh yeah. I don't look back and like, I wish this never happened.

SPEAKER_02 46:03

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:04

And the same way, like years removed from leaving some of these jobs, I don't look back and be like, man, I just can't wish I didn't waste my time there. Yeah, no. You know, I I look back at these times in my life and people in my life, and I'm like, I grew. I grew, I gained things, and yeah, there was pruning that happened. But every place he's potted me somewhere new, except for in a new house, because I'm still you're still you're still in your starter home 20 years later. It's fine, it's fine. Just don't ask my husband as a sore subject. He's he wants to move all the time. Um, but not worth it right now. Not heck no. We actually looked at each other, we're like, we looked at what our our our mortgage interest rate was, and he so when I told him, he was like, Oh yeah, we're not going anywhere. Yeah, we're not moving. Maybe we'll just add on to the back of the house. Absolutely. Um that being said, like every time he has pruned me, it is the most painful process, yeah, which is what you have been going through in this job transition right now, of it's not just your job. That's the thing.

SPEAKER_02 47:16

It's i i it's a it was my whole life. Yeah. And it has a hundred percent been pruned, or you know, there is definitely feels like a death, and I am not over it.

SPEAKER_00 47:35

And I think it's okay. I actually think it's really healthy for you to say I'm not over it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:41

It's hard for me to say, even sitting here, I'm tearing up, I'm trying not to tear up. Is I want to be over it and say I'm okay. And say everything, everything is awesome. Oh, look at me singing. Lego. Um I even knew where that was from. But I am not.

SPEAKER_00 47:59

You're not. I think it's okay that you're not because the next step is is okay, Lord, I'm I'm admitting that this is this is I can't do this alone. You have other things for me. And the things that you brought me through to get here, these things that you pruned. What do you want me to take with me? Yeah. And what did you use to help me to grow me to somewhere else and what should I leave behind?

SPEAKER_02 48:24

Yeah. Leave behind is is probably my well honestly, it's what what do I need to do to move forward? Yeah. That's a great question. And knowing with the holiday season, with with Christmas coming around the corner, it most likely will probably these waves will continue.

SPEAKER_00 48:54

They are. And there's going to be times when you are going to look at things and say Because there's I mean, even ornaments.

SPEAKER_02 49:00

There is ornaments that I'm going to be oh, I know. That I'm like, oh, I think that's probably why I've avoided putting up typically we put up our Christmas tree, but I'm like, oh.

SPEAKER_00 49:09

So what you're gonna need to say is, hey Doug, I'm gonna need you go with these ornaments and prior to this.

SPEAKER_02 49:22

Like I'm being a wuss. Gosh, it's such that is such a uh a word from from our generation, a wuss. I'm trying to say not what I want. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:33

I know I know what you're gonna say.

SPEAKER_02 49:34

I can't say it.

SPEAKER_00 49:36

Part of that word's in there.

SPEAKER_02 49:40

Gen X is a different, totally different gen.

SPEAKER_00 49:43

We were raised differently. Are you Gen X? I am technically born in 1980. Oh yeah, you're you're you're like me, you were worn on the cusp. Yeah. And the the ones who were born with no technology, but then grew up with it. I think it's like 77 to 81 or 82. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:59

Um, it's like I I always joke that in college one of my classes was search engine, learning how to use the internet.

SPEAKER_01 50:08

Oh, yeah. I feel about the internet.

SPEAKER_00 50:10

Yeah, it came like in my like in in high school, and I'm like, I was in college. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:14

I'm like, search the Eiffel Tower. Pull up Jeeves, ask remember oh jeeves. Oh yes, I remember that. Uh we just went I the microphone. Okay, there we go again. There we go again. Okay, okay. So back to Okay.

SPEAKER_00 50:28

Here's here here's where I would I would say with you you have permission to feel your feels. Yes. I I think you also need to give yourself permission to say I think part of the reason you want to just say it's fine because you don't want to first of all, you don't want to rip open band-aids. Yeah. But you also, I think you don't want to think about the things you could have done different.

SPEAKER_02 50:51

Uh yes. Things about how if I could have done things di differently, and I keep going back, um did I do a good job? And that's where where because of you know, uh leaving abruptly and everything, that's where I'm I'm stuck on. And I'm gonna be grieving that for probably a long time. I think we all agree that, like, with anything like that. Like, what was it?

SPEAKER_00 51:24

In the death of a a job, a circumstance, a friendship, there's always gonna be things we could have gone done differently. Yeah. There's always things we could say we could maybe had we would have done this differently, it would have turned out differently. True. But the difference is that in the end, uh it moves you from one place to another.

SPEAKER_03 51:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:46

I can tell you as someone who worked under you, uh, who volunteered under you, who experienced things that you put on, you did a freaking amazing job.

SPEAKER_02 51:59

Uh yes. Thank you. And I went like thinking in like my last statement, I'm like, am I looking for validation? Oh, honestly, probably a little bit. Yes and no.

SPEAKER_00 52:10

It it is I think someone can say you did a great job, but this isn't the right fit.

SPEAKER_03 52:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:16

And whether it you it felt good and it felt like a good fit and then suddenly it didn't, or it was you did what you were supposed to do, and God says, okay now, it's time to move on.

SPEAKER_02 52:29

Yes. And the same same with with you and your friend, right?

SPEAKER_00 52:33

Oh yeah. I it just I I I'm I'm pretty far removed now from the leaving of the jobs. Um I would say the the process of like the whole like the interviewing process for you know many, many months.

SPEAKER_03 52:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:50

Um probably was harder for me more recently because it ripped up all it brought up all of my old weird church hurt leaving those job feelings. So when you started going through, I was I was like, oh gosh, I I tell you these things because that feeling of that specific kind of hurt, the same way, you know, that wound feels raw just from a topic that you you know, like you can say something, and I'm like, I know that feeling. Yeah. And it doesn't hurt as bad now, but I could go there in a second. I could go there in a second and feel those feelings. Um the friendship things, they don't hurt anymore.

SPEAKER_03 53:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:32

I look back at it fondly and I'm like, this is what brought my husband and I stronger than ever. This is what brought the idea of having a third baby into the into the mix. Um, this is what made us a team. This is what changed Honestly, uh towards the end of that is what ended my time in ministry ended not long after that. Yeah. And this is what made him a stronger person. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 54:02

Do you think also that God was showing you like what types of people should be in your life? You can say no. Because I think about that sometimes. Like we always talk about, you know, you want to bring in the people of peace and or you want to surround yourself around with people of peace, people who will um raise you up, not people who will tear you down.

SPEAKER_00 54:24

I think what God was showing me at that time was I don't know if it was so much the the specific people, it was more along the lines of it's the quality of people, not the quantity of people.

SPEAKER_02 54:42

So, yeah, more does not mean you're winning.

SPEAKER_00 54:45

Um, I think you kind of see like the people who do the favorite things parties, and you like you know, like and you get into these things like the the Christmas parties, the the reunion groups of like my mob's group is getting together and we're doing our Christmas party. And it's like, even though I've tried hard to put myself in these groups, I've done the women's Bible studies, I've done, you know, the mom's groups, I've done all these things, like none of these friendships from any of these things ever lasted.

SPEAKER_04 55:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 55:11

And I wanted to, I've I think I've always wanted to be a part of a group. Yeah. You know, I've always wanted to, you know, kind of have the reunion situation. I moved several times as a kid, and I don't have the you know, there's gonna be no high school reunion for me. I mean, I I I went to my high school for a year that I graduated from. There's not going to be that. I could see a dozen people that I graduated with on the street, and no one would know who I am. I keep in touch with one person.

SPEAKER_02 55:40

Me on the other hand. Just got just got my my husband's are in our high school alumni association because we're both from graduated from same high school.

SPEAKER_00 55:49

So we're that we're so I'm living in the home that I graduate, you know that I lived in. So I moved around a bit. You have you've lived in the same area for forever. You lived in you lived and worked and breathed this job for 18 years, or you know, in you know, in nine years, but eighteen years. Eighteen years in the whole thing.

SPEAKER_02 56:08

So nine years working, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:11

How could you not think this was not going to feel like an absolute death that you have to grieve? This is, I mean, you've birthed a whole adult life. I yeah. That whole life could vote now. This is a lot to invest in to think it needs to like go away, you know, like you're just gonna be fine. So I think it's okay to say you didn't do it all right. I think it's okay to say some things that were done to you were not right.

SPEAKER_03 56:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:37

And I think it's okay to say that God's moving to a new place and it's still sad. Yeah. And I think it's also okay to be hopeful what the next things look like.

SPEAKER_02 56:47

And even a little freaked out of what the next season's gonna be. Because that's I think that's where I am too. Is is excited and also really freaked the F out.

SPEAKER_00 56:59

Dude, I last I didn't cuss.

SPEAKER_02 57:01

Look at me.

SPEAKER_00 57:02

I held up out. I shared last week that like I've been in my job for 18 months now. Yeah. My kids feel pretty settled. Everything seems to be going okay. I have everything that I have kind of visioned right now. Like I the friends I have or the friends I want, like I'm solid. I'm gr my marriage is I mean, all these things are like, but I'm like, but I don't know what's next. And you're looking at me like, yeah, what are you talking about? My life is like, I have no idea. It's like you've got it all together. And I'm like, but I don't. I don't have it all.

SPEAKER_02 57:32

Isn't that fascinating though? Where you are in total stability, but yet you're reeling and and going down a path of ne not negativity and you know, and trying to figure out a worth where I'm in total chaos. Yeah. And I'm doing the same thing. So what I'm understanding is it doesn't matter where we are in life. No. We can have it all together. Or we can be in utter chaos and we're still going to struggle. So what is the outcome? Like, what what does all this mean? Like, how am I supposed to not just me, like people who are listening who are maybe in the same spot that I'm in? Like, how how are we supposed to move forward?

SPEAKER_00 58:14

Because I think nothing is promised to us.

SPEAKER_02 58:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:16

You know, that next year in a job is not promised. Um, our next year with a person that we love is not promised. That thing we've heavily invested in, you know, person, thing, place, career, you know, all these things we just our health, all nothing is promised to us. There's only one promise that we have.

SPEAKER_03 58:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:36

And that's that Jesus died for us. Like this whole entire thing, everything that we think, and I was kind of when I looked, when I listened back to or my own.

SPEAKER_02 58:48

I was making sure you were gonna say that, no. I knew that's where you were.

SPEAKER_00 58:50

Well, I when I think back to my little spiral last time, and I was like, Of course you're spiraling because you're thinking of you. Yeah. So selfish. Our whole the everything about our life is to serve it's to serve God. That's that everything that we have been made for is to do that. So when we start spinning our wheels to make everything else work around our own orbit, of course it's gonna make us feel like we're in a tizzy.

SPEAKER_02 59:14

Of course. And it's not a judgy thing because shoot, we all do it. But when you put it in the reality that nothing we have is promised to us. No. Nothing. So if nothing we have is promised to us, how would you live your life?

SPEAKER_00 59:30

Surround yourself with people who can remind you what it's all about.

SPEAKER_02 59:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:35

And who you can be that trusted person for them.

SPEAKER_02 59:39

And that's including friendships, that's including work, that's including Yeah. Any anything that you can do.

SPEAKER_00 59:46

And stay in your life. Yeah. Stay disciplined. Stay disciplined. I know I I feel like we talked about it last week, but keeping your routine of what you know keeps you connected. Yeah. You know, we you know, they talk about like, you know, like drought things and you know I think discipline's what gets you out of your drought. Yeah. Um, keeping up, you know, with your prayers, keeping up with staying in the word, keeping up with the people that even if you don't you don't want to be around because they're gonna tell you the truth because you're not ready to hear it.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:27

It's keep keeping up with the things that you know to be true.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:33

And to be in that constant place of being open to if he wants to flip that script, if he wants to clear the table and it be something new, but that you are in such a place of obedience and trust with him that you're like, it's gonna work out. And I will tell you that every time this has ever happened to me, it I I'm not that quick of a of a read on it.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:01

I wish I could, you know, get things a lot faster than I do sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:05

No, and none of us do. It's just you you there is a promise and there is a plan.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:13

We're not privy to it.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:14

No.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:15

So we just have to stay in the line of obedience and trust.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:18

Even though can I put in my prayer that God can you please give me my playbook? I would love my playbook.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:24

Just to know what's I'm not gonna tell you, he's not gonna give it to you.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:27

I know he's not, but it doesn't mean that I can't pray for it.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:32

I think what he wants to say is, you know what, just trust me.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:37

I know he's saying trust me. And I do.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:40

I just want you to show up for me this and remember that I'm so continuing to show up.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:45

Child with a tantrum. I know. Yes. And he will, and he always does. And that's that's the point. We're no matter what season you're in, easy, hard, life seems to be great, life is in chaos. The one thing that God is saying is trust me.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:02

Well, I want to thank you all for coming to therapy with Casey and I.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:06

This week it was more for me. It was more my therapy. Oh, you know what?

SPEAKER_00 1:02:12

This honestly, you know, I don't know if somebody's gonna listen this week. They're gonna tune in and be like, wow. But I uh what I hope you get from this is you could be sitting on the couch next to us and we'd be like, girl, I get it. Yeah. So we get it.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:29

So whether you're going through something hard or you have a friend who's going through who is grieving something in their life.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:36

Don't stop showing up for people.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:37

Even if they ignore you. That's the big thing because I ignored a lot of people, or I just liked a message or I heard a message, but I didn't respond.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:46

I think it's okay when you're not ready for things.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:49

And I think it's okay that you're not you're not over it yet. Yeah. I think it's gonna take time. And I think, you know, the way that grief happens with the loss of a loved one, that it pops up when you show up for a pie at Costco. When you show up for yeah. You know, when you show up for the pie next year, maybe the day before, you know, two days before. Um I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:08

I'm not I do not need a never again do I need a Costco pie. I mean, I'll still go to Costco because, you know, we gotta get our bars of sweet.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:16

These things like they're gonna keep popping up.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:19

Yeah, they will. It does. And the most unexpected which is just like losing my mom. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:23

You know, it shows up loss and grief, there's no timeline for it. Yeah. And there's no quick way out of it. So we could do the I'm fine, I'm fine. And it the truth is is that we're not. And that's why we have a savior, because truth it truthfully is never fine.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:41

No.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:42

You can be in the greatest of places and not be fine. And you can be in the depths and feel immense joy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:47

And that's why social media is a big fake because we only put our best out there, except for, of course, our podcast where we just rip open our bed and tell you all the crap that's going on in our lives.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:02

Hey, you know what? We promised to come into this vulnerable. We promise to be obedient, to share things in the hopes that people would feel like they are not alone.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:13

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:14

And um, I hope we're accomplishing that. Yeah. And um, if we're not, I mean, Casey and I are really getting a lot out of it.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:21

We are. Next week, what are we gonna talk about? We're gonna talk about wrapping gifts. Do you wrap gifts or do you put them in bags?

SPEAKER_00 1:04:28

Oh, you know what? We should have a really special holiday episode.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:31

Oh, I know.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:32

But um, but until then. Yes. Thanks for coming to our therapy session. We'll see you next week. Bye. Three, two, one. Oh, see, I already forgot.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:50

You said you're gonna interdit.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:53

You said you're my interdices. Wow, blooper in the first five seconds.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:57

Look at us now.