Holy Ghosted: When Your Faith Feels Like It's In A Funk!

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello and welcome back to the Kind of Preachy podcast. I am Steph Moore. One of your co-hosts alongside of me is Casey Bryant. And we are we are recording a day early today.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

We I I keep thinking it's Friday because we normally record on Fridays, but today is Thursday because you have a big craft fair coming up tomorrow.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Yes. If you know me in my real life, you know that I had a handmade business for, I don't know, six, seven years. And while we closed ninety percent of it off, even more than that, um, we have continued to do one craft show a year, and it is it's this weekend, and it's kind of the biggest craft show in the area. And um Which I was shocked.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

I had no idea how ginormous this craft show was.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

So for reference, we made my daughter and I made handmade earrings. And so we've gorgeous because they can see some many, many times. Um so I think at last count we had about 2,500 pairs of earrings ready to sell this weekend. Holy crap. Um my finger Yes, my fingers are callused and my brain is tired, and it's good that we're letting these things go, but yes, I'm a little out of sorts all weekend because it's like that is Friday and Saturday. We're recording early. Thanksgiving is next week. I'm like, whew, my brain is a little bit on overload. But before we get into all of that, um let's get into how our weeks. I mean, that's my that's what's going on this weekend. Let's get into how our weeks were. You got a crappy and a happy for me?

SPEAKER_01 1:32

I do, I do. We'll start with the crappy. Okay. And the crappy was there is a mouse in my house.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Okay, if you if you listened last week, then you know this would be a real problem for me.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

I figured it out when I was making Faith's lunch and I went and grabbed the Oreos out of the pantry, and the Oreos had been eaten. And um, and then you then you see the little the the little mouse droppings. And for mouse droppings and and football field droppings, if you've if you've had turf, like they're very similar looking, but they do but they do not end up on a shelf. You would know you had a football player. If you would know you had or a soccer player, anybody who a husband who coaches. Yes. So I um immediately before start pulling everything out of our pantry, throwing everything away. I don't even know if if if it touched it or not, but everything was being ripped up. I agree. Oh, 100%. I had gloves on, mask on, because I'm like, oh my gosh, no. Full-on panic mode, cleaning like uh like crazy. And then I had to put everything, then I had to go back to the store, buy new stuff, buy a mouse killer, which I don't want to. I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it.

SPEAKER_00 2:59

I don't want them to be hurt, but I also don't want them in my house.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

I don't care if they're hurt. And this happens like we haven't had this happen in a couple years because it it when we first moved in, it's an old house, it's got easy for, and once it starts turning cold, there's yummy treats in this.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

We have only had one in our house, and it went in through the back of our dryer vent. Yes. And I heard it inside of my dryer.

SPEAKER_01 3:24

I thought I literally thought our dog, Darby dog, yes, would would help with the situation. But apparently they're now sneaking into. Okay. Well, they might be friends. Who who knows? But they're sneaking into our our pantry, our where our food is. So Darby's getting the door open for them. Who knows? Partners in crime. Pantry is now fully cleaned. Everything that was questionable is gone.

SPEAKER_00 3:49

I didn't even I didn't even questionable everything is now covered and you know, everything that's covered and sealed.

SPEAKER_01 3:55

And I will I haven't there is not a dead mouse yet, but my fear is because I keep hearing like once you have one, it can't. I know. I I'm I'm I'm so glad we don't record at your house.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

I would cancel my fear on the back.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

Not every my house is not dirty, I promise you.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

Uh no, if you heard last week, then you know, like my fear of this is it's not okay. I realize it's um completely illogical. I it is a visceral reaction. I can't even see a picture of one.

SPEAKER_01 4:30

Because we talked about how we talked about it, so now it's revenge on me. The mouse community is getting revenge on me because you watched them get killed by giant falcon.

SPEAKER_00 4:42

I posted that picture in our face, our our Instagram Facebook stories today. Oh, did you? I was like, the picture of this makes this look much less traumatic than it felt for me. And you may think I'm being dramatic, and I and I get it. You can ask, you can ask my family, like this has been a long-seated issue. Maybe we can have therapy one day of why I have these issues. I have I have thoughts. Yeah, but that is not for today. So, okay, Operation Mousetrap is happening.

SPEAKER_01 5:09

Operation mousetrap. But great news, our pantry is now clean, anything, you know, organized. Like we wouldn't leave.

SPEAKER_00 5:17

Listen, that is one step up for me.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

Amazing, yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:20

Because my mom came over the other day, she was helping me organize earrings, and um, we needed to get something out of the garage, and you have to go through our pantry to get to our garage. Or our laundry, our pantries in our laundry room. And um, so my mom like followed my daughter out there, and uh my daughter gave me a look, and I gave me a look, and I'm like, I'm pretty sure there's just like because we do a lot of shopping at Costco, those things don't fit in our pantry, like there's just kind of you know, boxes stacked and it's not pretty. I was embarrassed. I mean my mommy loves me, but um it was I she's gonna be a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 5:55

You have to open ours up because it's in the kitchen, so you can't see it unless you physically open up. But my niece and nephew come to my house every day after school, just about every day after school. And the first thing they do is go into my pantry because they want to rate it for you know snacks and everything. And my niece came and she's like, Wow. I'm not embarrassed when kids come and do it. You organize that.

SPEAKER_00 6:15

I'm like, I sure did. I I get the adults. But the adults, it's i do you had to open the door to go in there, but the pantry door is currently not shutting because there is like boxes of things from you know, like you buy a thing at uh cheese it's at Costco and it is like the industrial size. Like that's not fitting in your pantry. No, and and and you think the size of a shelf.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

Because if you go through that thing in a week, then then we have other issues.

SPEAKER_00 6:41

But yes, uh our buying in bulk issue probably is not standard to the size house we have. It's all good. Okay, now let me just say you teased me a little before we came in. There is a happy, but she would not tell me until we were recording. So I know I feel like if I remembered which button gave a drum roll, I would hit it, but I'm afraid it would like give something else. So let's pretend there's a drum roll. Give me your happy.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

My ha I have a job. Woo!

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Oh my gosh, that might have really hurt people's ears.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

I'm sorry. I I it is four months of sheer, I don't want to say oh gosh, panic, um, questioning myself of just depression, you know. We talked about this before of and I swear I'm getting to the happy part of just what I've gone through and and identity loss and who am I, and to um have fine someone finally offered me a job. It was like, oh my gosh, I'm actually Can you give us any details? Sure, I think I can. Um I offici I think my start date is December, so I'm now I'm like, okay, now it's getting really official. Okay. Because I got the offer letter yesterday, and then I had to sign the contract, and then I'm like, okay, we're getting more and more. But I am a volunteer coordinator for a um a local hospice company in Cincinnati. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:07

So we talked, okay, so I knew about this interview. Yes. I am so thrilled for you. Um if you have a chance to know her, that you know that this is where she shines. Thank you. Um when I met her, that was essentially her job in ministry form. So uh I've been a volunteer under her and alongside of her and all that good stuff. So they are so lucky. They are getting a rock star. I'd like to think it was my five-star recommendation.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

I I think so too. I think so. But the but the sweetest thing is because when I sent the text to my family yesterday, and um Isabel, my daughter, she sent me a text privately, and she's like, Oh, we were praying for you at my internships. At my internship, we were all praying for you.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

And then she said power prayer works. And I'm like, Oh, her not just her like she was talking and having her whole entire group pray for me at her internship, which is at a hospital. So that's pretty, pretty cool. I think it's at a hospital. I know. So that it was it's been an emotional roller coaster. I like the one thing that I've asked God was just please put me in a place where I can be used and utilized, and the giftings that you know I've been blessed with through God, like I can use them, and I just feel like this is the one like one opportunity where it all aligns.

SPEAKER_00 9:30

So I'm really, really excited. And I do think that you know, some of the other things that didn't work out because they weren't the right one.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

No, I we I we joked. And this one I had a single interview. Uh one interview and um was offered the job two weeks later, I believe. Oh, but they made you sweat it then. They did make me sweat it, but they told me that they were going to take some time because they were interviewing other people. Like they were continually emailing me or texting me, like, hey, just let you know a decision will be made by you know this date on Wednesday. And so not only did you get a job, you got a job with people who are great communicators. Oh my gosh, I know. I know. Very, very kind. They already told me like we're sorry if we don't hear back from us this week. We we have our Thanksgiving Day party and our meal this week. I'm like, oh, and she's like, Oh, we're so excited, she'll be there for our Christmas party. Oh my god, okay. So super excited, super, super excited. I it is very huge relief. Yeah. And I as I jokingly said to my husband, because we we both haven't said it out loud, but we both were like, oh, what are we gonna do for Christmas? Yeah, because you know that's that's hard. And when um I sent him, I screenshotted the email that I got and sent it to him, and then I said, Christmas is back on. Yes. Not saying that, and but at the same time, we both said, okay, we're not gonna go overboard with Christmas. And our children do understand that. And they're not wonderful kids. I do we do have wonderful kids. We do have incredibly wonderful kids. So it's all right, you know, it's not about the gifts, it's about being with each other, and yeah, I I agree. Um so enough with me.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

What about you? Okay. I am let's go with the happy first. And this has been a really crazy busy week, but I had the opportunity to watch my youngest dance, and I think we've talked a little bit about, you know, they're getting ready to start their competition season. Yep. And I watched her dance all last year with her middle school dance team. And um it very much looked like a middle school dance team. And I was like, you know, you're proud, they're getting out there, they're doing their thing. But um, I ran to make it to her dance um that she was performing at a game on Monday. And they, first of all, I realize that she's front and center in this dance. Which that was not the case last year. That has not ever really been the case.

SPEAKER_01 12:11

But if you're front and center, that means that they're the good dancer.

SPEAKER_00 12:14

Well, I think it's just showing that she knows what she's doing and she's had this vast improvement, and her confidence has shot up so much in this past year, and her body is like, you know, like she is putting so much work in, so much practice, and it's paying off. Um, not saying, you know, that there's not better dancers, worse than you know, it's just I know what that meant to her, and so she's she's dancing, she's front rowing. We're about 20 seconds into the song, and she kind of rises to the front, she stays at the front for the the rest of the dance, it's like maybe a minute and a half, two minutes, and the music cuts out. 100% cuts out, never comes back in. The entire auditorium starts clapping five, six, seven, eight, and then claps to the and then after that they clapped for the entirety of the song, and these girls danced for probably a minute and 15 seconds with no music. And it was incredible, and they were so proud, and the audience was so engaged. So, for anything to be engaged in a middle school basketball game is honestly pretty incredible. I agree. And um, it was just watching her shine in something that she loved so much. Um, because I just feel like maybe we have been And persevere.

SPEAKER_01 13:24

I mean Yeah, like they didn't stop, they just kept going. No, I love that the audience knew what to do. Oh, it was so competitions when that happens, immediately parents start counting it out.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

Yes, but this wasn't competition. So I would just love that. And this is the very first time we've done this. Well done parents was well done. The first time they've performed this. Yes. So it just watching a community come behind your kids. I don't know. I don't always see that in our community. And it was just it was nice and it made me feel happy and all the things and really excited for her. And I probably would have cried. I I was I was close. I was close, and then I realized nobody else is crying. Like this is like maybe not nearly as emotional for these other people that it is for me. Um, but I've just kind of had an emo week. So if I'm gonna say crappy, um, it's actually gonna lead into a little bit what we're talking about today. Oh, absolutely. And I have been feeling a little bit of a funk in the past few weeks, which it's odd. Um, not to say I haven't been in funky places before. And you know, Casey and I were talking that obviously this unemployment journey um has been a place or obviously that she has kind of felt in this kind of funky place. And um, so we're just gonna talk a little bit about what happens when you're just not feeling it.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

I know because that's really your crappy is I'm just not not just this week, but for the past few weeks, I have just been in this weird place.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

I I I'm in a weird place because everything on paper feels like it's working.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Um, I have a job. Um, I have an opportunity for extra income for this craft show. Um I am moving into the holiday season, which should be a you had your Christmas tree up. On Halloween. Yes. Yeah, that's true, that's true. In my office, I did. Um at my home, I do have a Christmas tree, but it is not decorated. It is literally we just it's out of the box, it's up, and it has sat. Um and I'm normally really motivated to do all these things. But like I said, uh this podcast has been a two-year dream. And now that it's here, I am at a little bit of a panic that I'm like, I don't feel like all of my juices are working the way that they were. Um work is fine. I love my boss. I like I like the people that I work with, but I come in and I'm like I come home and I feel like I have no time at home. My kids are kind of splintering off in different things. Um I am just in a season of I don't know what's next. I am praying and I'm not feeling like that tap is is in tune. So what do you mean by you don't know what's next?

SPEAKER_01 16:12

Because is it not to do a deep dive, but we might be doing a deep dive. So you ha you have a job. Yeah. You know, it's a job.

SPEAKER_00 16:22

It's it's a nice paying job, and it's I maybe it's that I've always had something to look forward to. There's always been something I've been striving for. Yeah. And now that these things are here, I don't want to sound unappreciative. No, no, no. I I really I'm hoping this is not coming across that way. It's okay, well, now how do I steward this? Now I had a dream, and I think I may have told you this our first time before we were recording, that I had a dream that um I had a baby, like a newborn. Yeah. And I am holding this newborn like I've never held a baby before. And everybody else in my dream, my family members, the people that we're interacting with are showing me, you know, they're like, they're interacting with the baby, and I'm looking at them and I'm like, I don't know what to do with this. And they are all like, I don't, I don't understand. Like, you knew this was coming. You've been pregnant, like you, you were expecting this baby, and now you have this. And I thought, I have a feeling this is a prophetic dream. Yeah. And I say that because I feel like I have been in an expectant season for a very long time, and now a lot of these things are coming to fruition, and I don't know how but to deal with it.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

But a lot of these things are coming to fruition, but also at the same time, there's things that you have loved and loved doing with your daughter that are now ending because Yeah, seasons are ending, and that's hard too, because you you have I mean, legitimately, this is is this going to be your laugh crap. This is it, this is the last one. And that all of the emotions leading up to that also have to be huge.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

Yeah, I think it's a lot of uh it's a lot of all of these things. I feel like I'm not home enough to really pour into my family the way that I have been. I feel like I love that we're doing this podcast. I am so thrilled. I'm so excited, but I also know that when God put it on our hearts, it was a fun thing and a calling to have a different kind of a platform to share our hearts. But there was zero expectancy or promise that there would be anything to come from it.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

Yeah. And this could be the last episode. Like we have no idea. It's not. It's not. It's not. But I mean, we don't know. Like we're not we're there's no money involved. This is all out of our pocket. So mainly your pocket. I'm just coming alongside. But seriously, there is no expectation, and we have no idea. We're just being obedient, yeah, with zero clue of what to expect with this.

SPEAKER_00 19:02

Yeah, I think I've just always had a little bit of a hustle mentality, even when like I I've had regular jobs, I've had ministry jobs. What you have not heard that I have had many, many random jobs. And that's because I can't not have a side hustle of some sort. Um, whether I was blogging, I was doing influencing, the real ones back in the day will know that I once had a um elf on the shelf workshop, which I constructed probably millions of pieces and outfits and no, you didn't mind. Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

I wanted to kill you.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

I know. I know I wanted to do that to myself. I take I I honestly take a huge amount of responsibility for this, for this whole thing. I don't I I don't know if it's as big of a thing right now, but you know, 10 years ago it was massive. And I was blogging during back in that day, and I made a calendar of ideas. You're the person I Googled.

SPEAKER_01 20:05

And then I wanted to beat up because I'm like WTF, there is no way I'm doing this. I'm happy if I remember to move. Sorry, children, the elf.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

So I was blogging during the day and I was like, my kids were, you know, I thought, okay, well, maybe if I'm really organized and I just come up with an idea, then I will not have to think about it. I will know what I'm doing. I don't have a big house, so it's like basically like what part of the house is it gonna move to? And then I thought, you know, so I do that and that goes really well. And then I think the next year, this went I mentioned with Nidra here last week that this was I had something go viral. This was my very first thing that ever went viral. The elf on the shelf. The elf on the shelf calendar. I'm like, well, how can I one up on this? And I'm a crafty person, and like I'm always having something, I'm like, okay, well, how do I, how do I improve? How do I do better? How how can this benefit my family? Like, full steam head. I'm like, well, I know how to sew. What if I make accessories and then I don't have to move the elf, I just change his clothes. And so then I thought, oh, I'm just gonna put a little Google Doc on here, and you know, like people want to order, like if I make, you know, a couple hundred bucks off of this, like, great pays for Christmas. I wake up and there's thousands of orders. No. Thousands.

SPEAKER_01 21:21

And how did you how did you fill them all?

SPEAKER_00 21:26

Um, blood, sweat, teeth, and oh you did.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

You you filled them all.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

I did. Did you cry? Because I would have cried. Oh, I not only did I cry, I had a full panic attack. Of course you did. Um, while I was driving, uh, wrecked my car because my body just stopped moving. It just like went in dope. Your panic attacks is we we you had one la we talked about last week. Yeah. Yeah. So like I said, I've only had a couple in my whole life. That was one of them. So I had two during that season. One ended up in a car accident and one ended up in a hospital.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

Um, and yeah, when you just work your body to the bone and it doesn't work anymore. Like that, it just your body will shut down. If you put it through too much, it will shut down.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

But it's interesting because listening to you talk about all of your side hustles and how you went into panic attacks and you've always are doing the side hustle. And now you're in the season where you're doing the thing that God is. It's a season of rest and I don't know what to do. I'm not saying that. I don't know what to do with it. I clearly God is saying to you enough's enough I you're doing the thing that I want you to do. Yeah trust me. Trust me and rest. How are you going to rest though? I don't know. Because you're freaking out. I can I can see you freaking out.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

I am and like I said it's not like I've been here making the lap for the last two years.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

Um but is it identity? Is it purpose or are you feeling like okay I'm not fulfilling what I'm supposed to be because that's who I'm known as. I'm known as the hustler. I'm known as the the person who's going to go do the next thing create the next thing and I'm and God has told me not to do this and now I'm having an identity crisis.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

Did I just go too deep? I don't know. No, no. It's not too deep. I I am wrestling because I think it's all of the above. Yeah. Is doing the job that I have which makes a living that I'm very appreciative for provides zero um creative things. It's a job. It's a job I think I basically do claims adjusting. Oh and I do numbers and anybody who knows me in real life this is hilarious because this is not my jam. You're not well I'm not a numbers person either so we can say I mean thank goodness for programs it's I mean it's really centering numbers and it comes out with the right things. It's um but I'm doing this and I think in the back of my head it was like okay well hopefully one day this podcast takes off and now that it's here I'm like what am I doing? Am I doing it right? Yeah. Am I I don't feel any different as far as I haven't been given like the next step by God.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

It's not it's almost also like the conf we haven't received like confirmation. Meaning like Yes me because in my mind and this is going to sound so horrible but you know I think you I think everybody who starts something new a podcast a blog or just going out influencing whatever in the world or a career you're just going to explode. Yeah and you put so and it's and and that's not the reality for 99.9% of things of life is just don't explode. It is we're just doing and we for us as we have to realize we're just doing this because we're being obedient.

SPEAKER_00 24:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

Yeah and it's not for our glory.

SPEAKER_00 24:42

It is not but sometimes we want it to be for our glory because we would like that we help it because the has always been recognition. It's not even recognition there's but always been an idea of measurement. Oh of am I doing it right? And like I'm not saying like all these other businesses that I've had you know and little side hustles and that kind of stuff. I'm a workaholic I truly am I my workday starts at 8 30 I'm here most days at 745. Wow I I take my daughter to school and then I'm like it doesn't make sense to go home. What am I gonna do that early in the morning? So I just come and work early. That's this is not a pat on the back.

SPEAKER_01 25:17

It's probably a real issue I have no I mean that's one thing I'm excited about my my job is it's 8 to 4 Monday through Friday which is a first for me and then at four I'm done.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

You're done so yeah I think I'm just I'm in one of these places that to me it's always been there's some layer of data and measurement of what things look like. Is this successful? Is this worth my time? And um I've done social media for many many years and I don't have the time when these ideas presented themselves I had all the time in the world. Yeah. And now I don't have all the time in the world and trying to start something from scratch and knowing that we share things that are really vulnerable like we're just kind of come putting microphones in front of our biggest insecurities and vulnerabilities. We sure are and putting it out there and there has been some things I can't say some we have gotten wonderful feedback. Yes we have but it's generally been privately so it's kind of like when you post something on Facebook and not one person likes it. This is not a cry for help let me just tell you it's just it's one of those things like okay I'm putting this out there God if you just would just let me know that like we're still on the right track this is still what you want us to do. Um I don't know and I then I feel bad for doubting. Yeah I I don't want to look my savior in the face and say I don't trust you. I do I'm just I'm in a moment I'm in a little bit of a moment of panic of what am I doing? I mean we we were putting all I don't want to say we're putting all of our eggs in one basket but we're we are yeah yeah I you know it's just we're giving up other things and um and this is not just about the podcast it's just we're refining what we're doing. Yeah we're you're gonna be putting effort into your job and I put my effort into my job and I love every second of this podcast. Um I have just never not known what the next step is and if God says I want you to record this for a year and there's no promise of an audience there's no like that is a continuing thing I'm happy to do it. Yeah I'm I'll do it I'll do it twice a week if that's what he asks me to do. Um I just generally I feel like my tap with the spirit is like on and I if I'm gonna be real honest the last few weeks I'm it hasn't felt that way. And I'm gonna be really honest with you my discipline level of wanting to be in the word has not been high this week and that is an embarrassing thing because I will tell you that I love my morning time. I love that time and pre having a job I was spending or when I was working at home for myself I was spending two hours in the word every day and this is not meant to be a braggy thing. It was my soul needed it. Yeah and I know it needs it now it's just I do my things my apps the podcast that I listen to you know I do my you know Bible recap every morning um I do my church one I do my you version my Bible app I'm doing all these things but then when it's time to actually open up my Bible and not just absorb the information but to journal it to research it to pull out my commentaries the thing like I really nerd out.

SPEAKER_01 28:40

That that you go way I know I know I'm a nerd more than what I do.

SPEAKER_00 28:45

But but it's but it's how he has like connected with me. Yes for you yeah uh I just haven't wanted to do that in the same way and I feel immense guilt and I feel like I'm letting him down.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

But you know that's not true.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

I know I fully understand my identity I am just not feeling it.

SPEAKER_01 29:09

Yeah and I get that because I I listen to the Bible because that's yeah that's how I absorb it and there are days where I'm listening but I'm not listening. Yeah it's almost like you're hoping it's going to enter by osmosis. Yes because I just get so distracted because I do it this I do it every morning. It's the first thing I do in the morning and for me it's now such a um a habit that if I don't do it first thing in the if it's not my first thing in the mor thing that I do in the morning I I start to freak out. Like it has to be but then when that happens I'm just now doing it just to check off like okay I did it I listened to my Bible. Okay I listened to the podcast I'm done I'm done I'm good.

SPEAKER_00 29:53

I know I'm so I'm listening but I'm not I'm almost embarrassed that it several times in this past few weeks I've listened because I have a streak. Yeah I get it. Not because my heart was in it and I don't want to live that way.

SPEAKER_01 30:10

But also it's one of those things where I'm like okay we faking it till we make it it's kind of so great.

SPEAKER_00 30:16

Yep that's what we do. That's so the part of of getting back into things when you're not feeling it um I did ask Chat GPT, you know um kind of a clever way to put this right now and it spit out that I was feeling holy ghosted what does that even mean? I feel like God's not talking back to me and I was like you go chat GPT I don't know where you pulled that from but a little bit and and you know and the Lord could look at me and say okay step but you're not putting the time in either that you were and I know all of that. So this is my public confession I just I'm not feeling the same motivation that I was and I'm trying to find the drive to come back and I can do the fake it to your make it. I think coming into the holidays and feeling I don't know uh last week Nader talked about November Novembering and this was you know it's a rough month for her. And I think going into the holiday season a lot of people have a little bit of holiday blues and I don't generally have that but I am I'm entering this season not with the same excitement and expectancy that I have in the past and I'm just putting out there and being real like I don't like that about myself right now.

SPEAKER_01 31:42

I was still am in that for four months. I mean leaving a job and closing a chapter on on who you thought you were who you thought you were going to be and also the realization that I put so much identity in being a pastor at this particular church. And um when that was gone it it the identity crisis of who am I really did take fold and and then I jumped into something else. So I'm like okay I don't have a job so now my identity is going to be the perfect housewife and the perfect you know mom which of course I failed but I'm I'm gonna make sure my house is clean and dinner is ready and my child needs to be everywhere and of course you know there I as we talked about weeks earlier that there's things that I forgot because I missed emails and I forgot to show up to things. So I'm even failing on that and I would Doug would it was just the other day Doug was like are you are you okay? Because I was just in the kitchen getting dinner ready and I'm like I don't know my purpose and it's such a hard thing because we put our purpose into our jobs and so when you've done that and all of a sudden you don't have a job or that job or you put your purpose into what you do and all of a sudden that's taken away.

SPEAKER_00 33:08

And I think that we put identity and purpose in the same bucket and they're different. They are different. We know our identity lies solely in Christ. Yes and that's that like bottom of the line there there's nothing else to add to that bucket. Anything else we put in there is is something we're doing. So I think we strive to have purpose and we feel like that feeds into our identity but the truth is is like that that's not it. Yeah. And you're right that's a little I'm also kind of floundering in that way of when something doesn't feel like I thought it was going to feel yeah I thought closing the chapter on this my business was like okay that will feel like closure and it will feel good and I will have time for new things. And um when this process started two years ago my family was like in a really different place. My kids were all home you know um Elena was still in college and we were still seeing her a lot and you know Sam wasn't you know driving and having a job and kids didn't have girlfriends and boyfriends and you know it's like now that I wanted I crave this time to have these experiences with them and I'm a little bit of them getting older I'm mourning that like wow um it's gonna look different and yeah that just yeah it's um you're excited for them to go through next steps but there's also a mourning of when things just they it's not that they didn't pan out like you thought it's natural growth and there's seasons of waiting um but when it doesn't look and feel exactly how you anticipated I don't know it's I'm I don't want to be sad. But I'm I'm feeling a little you know like man why I to feel unappreciative when I'm such a blessed person is just feels like a why do you feel unappreciative from from whom? Oh me from each oh okay just me yeah I want to be a better wife I want to be a better mom I want to do all the things I want to be a really good employee I want to put out the best content that I possibly can um and then you know she you and I talked about a topic and we were ready to talk about that and I came in and I said would you just be open to having an honest conversation with me about feeling like being in a funk and um she was gracious to put the other topic aside.

SPEAKER_01 35:43

Well because I've been in a fun and I still am even though I I do have employment now which I'm really excited about and I do feel like it's going to be a great fit for me um there there is I am s still in one is it actually going to fall through or is it or is it going to you know is it it will it really happen because it's just been one thing after another which yes I I signed the contract so I I feel like it's it's a pretty thing a pretty legit thing. But also at the same time when when this I in my mind when I was going to when I finally got a job I saw myself like jumping up and down. I saw myself crying like I like so much joy and when I got the the email I was joyful but I was like okay great.

SPEAKER_00 36:35

Yeah like when the with just the expectation of how you think you're going to react just doesn't match.

SPEAKER_01 36:40

And I I thought Doug and I were going to go celebrate with with this um with dinner we're you know we're gonna do all these things like this huge thing and we ended up going to a um well I'll just say we went to BW3s which we didn't go there we we ordered we ordered takeout and my girl chicken sandwich I bit into it and it was very very pink. I know so I'm like even my celebration dinner was crappy. But it's a happy it's happy but and I don't want to make everything spiritual I don't want to say that it's you know but there's also a a part of me that's God reminding me that you put all of your purpose and your identity into your job prior to and your last job.

SPEAKER_00 37:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:30

So let's set expectations on who you really are as you're a wife first, a mother second and then whatever you know your your employment but but mainly you're you're my daughter and so let's remember that and set expectations on what your purpose is going forward.

SPEAKER_00 37:48

Going with that I I know you said you don't want to make everything spiritual and I and I get it but I the past I would say really the past maybe maybe like two weeks I have been feeling spiritually attacked in the way of um I know that the enemy is using my insecurities against me. So if we are going to say all of these wonderful things and he's gonna be like is it really that wonderful? Are you really doing a good job? Are you really listening to what he says? Are you oh I think you're probably just being selfish. So there's all of these things that I'm thinking like oh were my motivations right? Am I doing a good job? Am I doing any job? It just does not take much to get under my skin. So when that is happening um I definitely feel like I don't want to say it's a complete spiritual attack but I will say the enemy is a slimy little thing. Yeah there's a very thin wall a very well like there's just a really thin place between truth and the lies of the enemy and most often he uses some an insecurity to dig at you to take something that could be true and just twist it so that truth behind it is you know no longer for his truth. It's you know it's it's just that hook that gets under your skin and I just I admittedly like I have let it get to me way more than I normally do and I'm just not proud of it. Yeah. And I wanted to talk about this because I'm watching I'm watching a family member right now just go through some unimaginable pain. And when I look at the thing she's going through I am I don't know how she's getting up in the morning. Yeah I just I don't know I mean we're talking unimaginable just pain beyond my comprehension and then I look at myself I'm like and you're concerned if you're doing the right thing making a podcast? How selfish of you you have a job you've got great you know like it's like but I'm like of course the enemy would even use like that against me. Um I'd like yeah I'm just I don't I'm I'm feeling feels I'm feeling guilty and um you're right it's this is an identity issue that um doesn't belong in my identity. No. So I want to talk about ways that I have gotten out of funks before because I have definitely done that and I kind of want to hear what your advice is great. Um so I you said the fake it till you make it. Fake it till you make it yeah and that's that's a big one for me. Keep on keeping on like keep your routine keep your schedule stay in the word stay in prayer even if you feel like right now like I don't feel like my tap is totally turned on. I've been in in here before I also haven't had a really good cry in a while and I feel like it's coming.

SPEAKER_01 40:59

I when I the first thing that I will do is I will stop working now.

unknown 41:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 41:06

That's that's like when I'm in a funk yeah and two two weeks ago there was a week where I I just I I gave every excuse that you could possibly think of to not go and work out and then finally my my trainer who's also a friend sent me she's like a text saying you need to come here which is great to have accountability and I and I would say that's that leads into the other thing you have to have people who are accountable in your lives who will call you out and say hey what's going on what do you need how can I help you can I pray for you can I let's meet for coffee.

SPEAKER_00 41:45

I am so glad you said that because I feel I'm missing the accountability piece right now. Yeah I'm not in a small group right now uh if I'm gonna be 100% honest I'm not feeling really connected to church.

SPEAKER_01 41:57

Yeah um I have friends who I am close to um that I share things with a lot of people I'm just gonna say something totally inappropriate then that's that's because I'm not there but then that too soon too soon sorry sorry come on um okay so you're um so you're not in a small group you just the people that I have generally been most um accountable to speaking to on the regular kind of really sharing and doing life like their lives have been pretty busy and I feel like that has not been there and I hadn't identified that so you just said that. Oh and the only reason is because I had um dinner with two friends two of my good friends who are who are my accountability partners on Saturday and we haven't been together in a very very long time and just sitting with them eating eating pizza that's what we did. We ate pizza and salads and we just talked about our lives and what's going on and I'm like oh my gosh this is what I'm missing.

SPEAKER_00 43:05

And I think you just hit the nail on the head for me because I didn't realize I was missing it.

SPEAKER_01 43:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:10

And I have almost been treating what we are doing here as my accountability as I'm coming in here I'm being honest. Yeah um but a podcast is not a two-way street. You know it's not I need to hear it back. I need someone to push me of the things I need to do, the things I need to you know hold myself accountable for and um well did we need you know what I guess I did need this because I I'm glad we're sharing about it because I just don't think this is a unique feeling.

SPEAKER_01 43:49

No I I don't think so and one of the first things that we do when we when we get in these funks is we will push everybody away. Because we don't want we're we don't want to burden In my mind, we don't want to burden I don't want to burden anybody else. Oh, for sure. Because they're my problems. No one needs to deal with them. No one needs to know that I'm in a funk. No one needs to worry about it. I will, as I said, fake it till I make it. But it's those those friends who know you.

SPEAKER_00 44:16

Yes. Who will call it out. And I feel like the people that I am closest to, and this is not a call them out situation, they are super busy in their own lives right now. And um my Enneagram, which I don't put all stock into this, but is a two. Oh yeah. I'm the helper. And whether this is all true or not true, it is very fitting to my personality of I will do anything to help anyone. And I often think of other people's needs before mine. And I spent a very long time in my life not realizing that not everybody's brains that work that way. Yeah. I felt taken advantage of a lot. I felt like I put so much time into making sure other people are cared for that I didn't understand why and I didn't feel special or valued because I didn't see anybody doing that for me. Um and now that I'm aware of they're just people's brains don't work exactly like mine, that was I didn't learn that until like my mid-30s. So you you can imagine I spent a lot of my life with my feelings being hurt.

SPEAKER_01 45:19

Which is like But I I have a friend I was just talking to the other day who was the same situation is is a I would say a very big two, a very big helper always and um we're having the conversation, but no one's asking me what's going on, and I'm suffering. No one's asking no one's coming to me. No, you know, my children, my husband, my friends, no one's saying, but what you don't seem like you're in a good place.

SPEAKER_00 45:46

Yeah. And I think you can operate not being in a good place long before somebody sees it.

SPEAKER_01 45:52

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Until you have that total break. But when you have the break, it's bad.

SPEAKER_00 45:57

And I'm not there. Yeah. But I can tell you I know my slippery slope. It's getting there. And my slippery slope would be to fake it till I make it, um, and eventually burn myself at all ends till I am exhausted and my body just won't work anymore. It's just I'm done.

SPEAKER_01 46:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:14

And I don't want that. Um, so I definitely think you hit the nail on the head. I'm going to have to address that in my personal life of like how do I get back on track there? And what other things do you do? I used to be really good at I well, I'm we shared earlier that we're both on kind of health journeys. Yes. I have been really and I've always kind of joked with my friends that I can be really good at like three things at a time, but no more. Yeah. Sometimes two. I'm barely one. Sometimes one. So whatever like my real focus is, like right now, I'm killing it in the weight loss. You know, I'm killing it at like You posted your last picture. Oh my goodness. And and I and I'm and I'm happy and I'm proud because I'm something I'm working really hard on it. But I do notice if I'm really working hard at my job and I'm really working hard at weight loss, and then all of a sudden I'm like, I am not working as hard in my faith. I am not putting the same amount of trust and time that I am in these other areas of my life. And I'm like, I have got to course correct.

SPEAKER_01 47:22

Because for you, and actually not just for you, for all of us, if we if we focus first on our faith and and our love of of God and Christ and go to them go to God first, then our lives tend to feel yeah different. But when we put Him as the second or third or fourth or fifth person in line.

SPEAKER_00 47:50

And yeah, so I mean as I kind of you know, I'm putting it out there that like I've always been a really goal-motivated person. I'm a really hard worker. But admittedly, I know my priorities are not in line right now. Yeah I'm doing all these things. I'm working really hard, but I'm not doing it for the right reasons. Yeah. I'm my body's a temple. I know that, but I'm treating it like a cause. And that's that's not right. That's not the right thing.

SPEAKER_01 48:22

You got your checklist, you got your thing. It is. I'm I'm in You're like, okay, my next goal is to lose this amount of weight. So you know, and you're like, check, I I you know Yes. Every every week, or I don't know how often you weigh in. I'm only I weigh in roughly once a month when I go to when I go and and see the doctor who's working with me. Oh my gosh, every day you need to stop. I know. I say that with love. I I know, I know. You have to stop. And for me, the most disappointing month this week, because I wait just weighed in, because we're both in the same, we're uh but different, different applications as far as weight loss journey, but still very similar. Um, I weighed in and lost zero pounds. But I lost body fat, so I'm getting leaner, but I hate that. I'm like, that's like it feels like it's like the um participation trophy. Like you didn't lose any weight, but you drop body fat points.

SPEAKER_00 49:21

I will say I have not lost as much um pounds, but I can see inches. Yeah, I'm not even really measuring. I probably should have done that in the beginning, but I didn't. But I can look at a picture and say, like it's significantly different.

SPEAKER_01 49:37

Well, it's it's always about can you fit in well you talked about that in the jeans that you want to fit in. Because are these are your jeans? These are my jeans.

SPEAKER_00 49:44

Honestly, they're the only jeans that fit right now. So um yeah, you're gonna see a lot of them until there's something new. I'm trying not to buy anything new.

SPEAKER_01 49:52

Um, but at any rate, I So okay, so you hold accountability, fake it till you make it. Switching your priorities and and I gotta switch my priorities.

SPEAKER_00 50:03

Okay, what am I putting first? I also when I and I like that chat GPD term of Holy Ghost did, um I also know I'm not putting the same amount of time into listening. Yeah. And reflection and waiting. It's almost like I've checked the box off that I've spent time in the word and now I'm moving on with my day. Um and I'm not putting that same time in, I'm not putting the same worship music on, I I I know what I need to do to switch it. I'm just having a hard time moving full focus. And I think just calling myself out on it is a big deal, was is the step I need to just to move into the other direction. So I just want to say if you were in a season of not feeling as great as you could be. Yeah. Of all the things. You're not alone. You are not alone. Uh we've both been in these places many, many times. Like I said, this is not the first recently. This is not the first time I've been in a funk. No. It won't be the last, I'm sure. Um I just want you to know that uh life in your journey of uh your walk with Christ, your walk as a wife, as a mom, as just a woman, as a friend, as a friend, co-worker, a co-worker all of these things. All of these things.

SPEAKER_01 51:32

Sister, aunt, you name it.

SPEAKER_00 51:33

You're never gonna be nailing it all at the same time. No. But if you're not nailing who you are in Christ, those other things are going to suffer. And I am watching uh parts of my life suffer because I have not fully um looked in the mirror and saw myself of who I am and who I belong to.

SPEAKER_01 51:52

And one thing that I started doing, I'm not a journaler, and I love people who are huge journalers, and I wish I I was, even though I I do write. But I started writing notes in my phone app, or not notes, prayers. Like after I was be like very specific, very short, thank you, God, for that Doug and I are still able to live despite me not having a job and able to pay our bills and also God, please help me find the right job. Because I wasn't doing that for a I I legitimately started doing that three weeks ago. Just just opening up my notes app and writing a very short prayer of just thanking God and asking God for what I need.

SPEAKER_00 52:37

I journal directly into my Bible. Yes. My handwriting is garbage, so I can't always read what I wrote. So the phone may be a really good idea as far as then at least I could read my handwriting. Um but that yeah, that's that's where we are. That's where we are today. We want to be honest, and um I've actually had I'm I'm actually feeling my tap a little bit more turned on because I feel like he's imparted some thoughts that I know are his because they haven't been mine um throughout this conversation. And I just want to say I'm so thankful for this opportunity. Yes. I'm thankful to sit across from Casey and connect with her in this way and it not be about our work, it not be about measurement and goals. It is strictly about growing closer to Christ. Um and I generally I'm just I'm I'm thankful for those that are listening, who are texting us, who are just saying, like, you know what? I feel like this is reaching people. And that's our hope. Yeah, because we're really putting it out there.

SPEAKER_01 53:41

We are. We really are. We we always said this is not about us, this is about God and and him using us. And if we get to help one person feel not alone, then yeah, it's a huge success for him.

SPEAKER_00 53:54

Then in all glory, it it's all his. Yeah, it's all for him. Well, we're gonna end it today, and um thanks for listening, and we will see you next week. Have a good one.

SPEAKER_01 54:10

Um, that I share things with. I mean it's gonna say something totally inappropriate, then that's good. Too soon, too soon, sorry, sorry, come on.