Imposter Syndrome: When Shrinking Feels Safer

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome back. It's season two. Woo! You probably didn't even know we were gonna do season two. We did it!

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Well well, we just made the decision. We did, we made the decision.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

New year! New year new season. It's not nuance. We are the same people, unfortunately. I'm just kidding, fortunately. Fortunately, we are the same people. Yeah, I'm actually really glad about that. Um, but yeah, we had a full Christmas episode. We did. And Christmas happened. Christmas happened. Life happened. Stuff, yeah. Stuff, life, all the things happened.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

I I honestly think sometimes God will be like, maybe that one wasn't supposed to go out.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

It was a cathartic episode. It was really great for us. Maybe someday we'll pull some bloopers from some of these old episodes. And never remembered a little clip show. Um but anyways, we had we had a great time having a little, you know, we had a little kind of preachy uh Christmas party. Um we did not know it was just for us, but that's the way it turned out to be. And if God needed to mute us for a week, that's what was supposed to happen. He did 100%. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

I said 100%. Oh I'm starting off the year with it. Oh, my goodness. I need to come up with new catchphrases.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

Well, you know what? Technically, we are recording this on the last day of 2025. So give us uh some grace on this, and maybe we'll come up with some new words in the new year. We never know what's going to attach us. Yeah, so speaking attach themselves to us. I am chaperoning. My teenage son and his girlfriend. Just kidding. Um they're gonna be with us. We are, I think we're gonna go watch the Ohio State football game with my dad, who is a massive Ohio State fan. Um football will be played at our house too. So we will be watching football. And Stranger Things, because it's a fun and then we plan on leaving at halftime to come home and watch Stranger Things.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

I still haven't seen the last three episodes, so I need to catch up. I heard they were bad. They're bad. That's a whole different episode. That's a whole different story. But it is. We're we are Stranger Things fans. Yeah. So uh that Especially since we both grew up in the 80s, like that was our childhood.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

I can I just have okay, you uh you this is will not be a spoiler to anyone, you know, because if you haven't watched it at this point, then I don't think you were planning on it. But there was an episode in the beginning of this season where Holly, like she's in Mr. Watsett, takes her to the house. Yeah, yeah. And she has the Tiffany cassette, and it's like that little Casio boom box. And she was what I think we're alone now.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

I had There doesn't seem to be anyone around.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

I had a peach Casio boom box just like that. And it made me so happy because back in the day, like I probably had that cassette single. Like I that's what I never had albums, I barely had albums of things. I would just have like cassette singles of things. Or I would have the blank ones that I would like, you know, it was the start and record button at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

And as far as taking you back into what truly growing up as we were in gr well, we were in grade school in the 1980s, like what it felt like that that is a hundred percent.

unknown 3:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

What if I was excited and I was like, oh, that's fun. And it just, you know, no my kids didn't care, but I was like, Do you want to hear about my mint green and peach bedroom? They didn't. They didn't um but it brought it up.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

Probably nobody wants to hear that. They don't love your things. But we do, but that's same. I mean, my my 2025 will be the end of this year, will be the exact same.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Well, so we are starting off season two with kind of a, I don't know, a a little bit of a hot topic. Oh. Um, when we were kind of deciding like, what do we want to talk about? What do we want to go into? You know, I did a post on social media this week and I said, you know, new year, um, new season, same us. And I was I started thinking about that, and I'm one of the things that stuck in my head was the imposter syndrome. Like, who do I want to go into 2026 as?

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:17

And there has been some things in my life that I definitely identify. I don't know if imposter syndrome is like the absolute best word for it, but I find myself very easily influenced. Okay. Influenced by just about anything. You just, I mean, honestly, you can give me 10 minutes on Instagram or TikTok, and you know, I decided I needed red light therapy. I needed one of those vibration plates. I did get one of those for you didn't. I did. I got one for Christmas from my mother-in-law. Um Have you used it? I did.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

Does it actually work?

SPEAKER_00 4:58

I don't know if it does anything. Like I'm gonna tell an embarrassing story about Elena. Um because we can. Um, it says it's supposed to help with lymphatic drainage. Okay. It's supposed to help with cellulite. I don't know if that really helps or not. But you know, it's supposed to like, but the micro movement's supposed to be like micro-toning you as like you keep your balance or something like that. It's very relaxing. So I got on it. Everybody in the house had been on it. Elena hadn't been on it yet. So I said, Lane, why don't you try? And right now it is living like in my living room, dining room, which is like pretty open and connected, okay?

SPEAKER_01 5:32

For everyone to see.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

For everyone to see.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

There's no hiding. It wants to be. There's no hiding.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

It is what it is. Okay, great. So she gets on it and she's on there for five seconds and she puts her hands on her thighs. She goes, Oh, I feel my thighs jiggling, and she kind of bends down, immediately rips one. She's gonna be so pissed off that you're telling this story. Her boyfriend was sitting literally directly next to her. This is horrible. This is she is a horrible story, mom. Mortified. She was mortified. So then she immediately immediately jumps off. This is getting cut. This is so getting cut. She immediately jumps off and then does it again.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

Oh can't you right now? I'm defending you, Alina. I am totally defending you.

SPEAKER_00 6:20

Oh, well, you know what? We'll see if that makes it in. She is the one who edits it.

SPEAKER_01 6:26

This is totally not making it in, but I hope so. And then Alina, I would like for you to just defend yourself. And let's be honest, everyone does it.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

Uh well, listen, what I'm telling is you if you have digestion issues, maybe this is the thing for you because it was quick acting. It really did. Um the minute I get on it, I have to pee. I don't I don't really know what's what's happening.

SPEAKER_01 6:44

If something is making me shake, then I'm gonna have to pee no matter what, because I'm I can do jumping jacks. Actually, but since I've been working out so consistently, it's not nearly as bad as it used to be. But it's it's it's not good. But you know what those remind me of? Because I think there might be one in my basement that my mom or my grandma used to have. Oh, like the belt thing. The belt, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I mean, it's just a different, it's just a newer version of what our parents have.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

I mean I mean, listen, all the things what listen, as we were just talking about the 80s nostalgia, true story. What goes around comes around. Everything always comes back in some version or another. But what I'm saying is, I find myself so influenced by things. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:25

And I love that what what how we totally digress. Yeah, we do well, that's what we do best. So so you easily influence off of I just you're the person like my husband's this way too. Like a a door salesman will come up and be like, Hey, do you need these encyclopedias? But they don't need anymore. But you know, or or y you need a new roof. Doug will be like, I think I do.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

So easily influenced. I just think if you think about social media and algorithms, yes, okay, what you pay attention to keeps coming and it just It's like you it's there. And you know, so I kept seeing these vibration plates, and I was like, I think I might need that. Um, and there's other things. I mean, there's you know, clothes, I mean, just just there's stuff. Yes. And so when I'm looking at, I'm like, okay, what is making me so in tune that I'm thinking above and beyond of I need, I want, I want, I need. And I know in my heart of hearts, I need nothing. I don't need any, I don't need any of this stuff. But I can spend an hour and a half scrolling in a rabbit hole of TikTok. And but I can tell you that I can tell you that at the end of the day, um, I can be like, oh my gosh, did I get did I do did I do all my Bible stuff? Did I did I get in the word? Did I do all this stuff? I'm like, how do I have an hour and a half time to waste in one place of my life? Yeah. Which with I would say feels with no regrets in the moment. But then I'm like, well, where did I spend my other time? Like, I'm just the thought to me occurred, like, why is it so easily to be influenced by the world? Yes, but not as obsessed with the word. Ooh.

SPEAKER_01 9:12

Because well, I mean, let's be honest, the world is is what it is the easiest access to. Yeah. Yeah. And it's in your face 24 24-7. And I spend time to make it you have to well, no, because both of them are efforts. Like, even if you are scrolling on TikTok, that is an effort that you are doing. You you are choosing. Yes. You are making the choice that you would rather be consumed with mindless videos, which I trust me, I get it, because you know, my algorithm right now is dog videos because of my dog, which I love. I love the dog videos, especially when they make them talk. It's hilarious. Makes me makes me smile. Or the word. And and for me, like I this year I was in the word every single day this in the morning, every single day. I never missed a day. Well, I did too. I yes, we because we today was our week.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

This is yeah, we finished the Bible recap. Woo woo. I also finished my streak of the full year with our churches app. I finished my full year streak in the U Version Bible app. It's not that I'm not doing it.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

But the question is, are you consuming it in the way that you're consuming it differently? That's bingo.

SPEAKER_00 10:26

Yeah. And I would say there's a little bit of me that is consuming it to check it off my box. Yes. And I don't want that to be my motivation. I mean, it's fine if it gets me in there. Yeah. But I don't want to view my time with the Lord or my time of pursuing how to be more like Jesus to be something that I check off of a box. Yeah. And some I don't want to say this is every day, but I mean I am noticing that it is easier for me to follow up with algorithms and culture sometimes than it is for me to really focus on deepening uh my time with Jesus. So what are you gonna do next year? Well, that's what I want to talk about. That's what I want to talk about I mean, I like I I think I want to identify because I don't think I'm alone.

SPEAKER_01 11:11

No. It is hard. Like when I I posted on my um Instagram story that I finished the the Bible recap in a year. Yeah. And um someone reached out to me, they're like, Oh my gosh, I want to I want to do it with you. She's uh and she said I have tried doing it multiple times, but I just keep falling off. Because it is so easy I agree to fall off. Because I think I tried it for two years and then I like year three is when I finally was like, Okay, I committed.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

And then I'm I think this this was my year three.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

Yeah. So tomorrow starts year four. And I'm gonna do it again.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

Same. I'm I and and that was the always the big thing is like the first year that I actually completed it from from January one to December 31st, and I remember saying, Oh my gosh, I did it. And I'm like, Okay, God, now now what?

SPEAKER_00 11:59

Now what what do I do? And I will say the first year that I did it was one of the hardest years of my life. Well, um, for a multitude of reasons, things happening. I mean, with family members, I mean we had we had crazy deaths in the family, it was loss of loss of so many things. There was just deep grief in my heart, but also immense joy and peace that I could have never have done. Yeah. Have I there's no way I could have obtained it on my own. And so I know that this exists. I know the deeper I am, the happier I am, the more committed I am, the better I am. But it is also so easy. If I wake up late and I'm like, oh, I'm rushing, I gotta get to work, you know. I'm gonna get to that at my lunch hour, I'm gonna get to that before I go to bed. There have been some moments where I'm like, my first thought, even though this has been my rhythm for years, yeah. It is also easily the first thing that I can be like, I could do it later. I'm yeah, I don't know. So, and I guess the other the other side of that is I think we've talked about um well, oh, you know what? We talked about this on our episode last week, so nobody heard it. Oh, great. Because we were talking about like what is like the words of the year and oh yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Cause I I I because I said, I said my word of the year is going to be shitty. Because every time I've done it, and I haven't done it very often, yeah. Every time I've said, you know, the word for this year is going to be joy, and I think it was like 2022, and I said the word was going to be joy. It was going to be joy, and three days later my mom died. Yeah. And I'm like, yep. And so every time I've I've tried to do that, it was the opposite. So because we've had such a shitty year this year, 2025 was probably one of the worst years for our family that we've had. I'm like, well, I'm just gonna say shitty because it's gonna be the opposite of that. So if I say 2026 is gonna be a shitty year, maybe it's gonna be amazing. But no, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna to to say a word. But I I I, you know, going back to like, you know, even finishing the today, the the Bible recap, and I was like, okay, God, I did it again, year three. What do you what should I do? Yeah, do it again. And that's I mean, that's for me, it's the only thing I can know consistently that I should do for sure is just be with him.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

I did, and so the the one year that I was I was telling you that like the first year that I did like the chronological, like reading the Bible in a year, um, my word that I had chosen that year was bold. Oh, yes. Bold. Be bold. And I closed down my business that year. I didn't get the job that I wanted, or the next job, or the next job. I think there was a total of three looking at me because we've talked about it before. But it was just kind of like it was like, okay, here I was thinking I was being prepared for all these things, and it was like the bolder and more thought I was gonna be up to be vocal. Yes. Um, it was like, no, yeah, I actually wouldn't like your word to be silence. How about you just keep your mouth shut, Steph?

SPEAKER_01 15:07

Um I mean, it really isn't it funny? It ended up being the opposite of what because and I we talked I I can we keep saying we talked about this, but no, I one reason in my mind it kind of came to me is when when I came up with a word, when I came up with joy, was I trying to overwrite God's story, not saying that God's going to cause me me hurt or pain, but I have to remember that this is this is not my story. I mean, this is God's story. Yeah, I just happen to be in it, and if I'm truly giving my life over to God, I'm I'm following his plans for me. So when I'm trying to make my own plan saying, God, this is gonna be my year, this is gonna be the year of Casey Bryan, it's gonna be freaking fantastic, and he's gonna be like, let me And I agree with you so much on that.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

That being said, one of the things that like when we say that, like I wanna be careful that I am not living in God's story passively. Yes, that's true. Because obviously we're created with purpose. Yeah, we're created with certain passions, we're created with all of these things, and everything that we are meant to do is meant to glorify God. Yeah. So when I find myself in an hour and a half like doom scroll, I will kind of think to myself, like, how did that happen? Like what part of me I don't know, I just I kind of I'm I'm finding certain areas of my life that is just easier to fit in with culture than it is, yeah. Than to be actively following and looking at ways to find to look to Jesus how to perfect my faith better.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Well, it's easy to look at culture too, because then you're gonna get people agreeing with you. So when you when you stand out and you're bold and you and you follow Jesus, it's not easy.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

And yeah, and I would say there's probably people listening to me like, dude, you guys have a podcast where you boldly seek about this. How in the world could you think that you're not putting this stuff out here? But you have to think about that we are actually doing this in a vacuum. We yeah. You know, we are sitting in an office together, just staring at each other, yeah. Um, putting these things out there, like burying our souls, bearing our heart, or like basically confession time every single week. And we hope people are listening, we think people are listening. We do get feedback. Um not crazy amounts sometimes, so sometimes it's putting it out there, but you and I both no longer work in ministry. So our daily being able to talk about the things that we've always talked about is different.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

You you mentioned imposter syndrome. Can I can I tell you a quick story of what happened with my new job? Yes. So with my new job, part of my training is I've been going on visits with different people in the office. So um I went with with our social worker, I went with our with a nurse, with an aide, and also with the um the pastor. They have they have one and um on staff who will go to bedside, which is wonderful to sit with with people who requested that. And so I am we are sitting there with him, and and I don't say my background, I don't say who I am, I don't say anything. And he is and the and the gentleman who were visiting their family, he is my gosh, that that he is so with the Lord. Like he was it's one of those things where it's so hard watching someone, because I I work for a hospice who is passing, but someone who knows where they're going. And it's it's the grief of I'm going to I'm leaving you, but man, I'm gonna be sitting with Jesus, and I am so excited about that. And so being there in that moment was like, my gosh, that's amazing. But I kept my mouth quiet as they're the our pastor from from where I work is going talking back and forth about Bible verses and about where he's going, and and I'm sitting there in my mind, I'm like, man, I just want to I wanna jump in, yeah, but it's not my job. And also they have no idea my background or or what what I what I do. And he when he left, he was talking, he's like, Oh, I'm actually I'm he's like I work here, but I actually am a pastor at a church. I'm a pastor at a church in uh northern Kentucky. And my face just went and and I felt like such an imposter.

SPEAKER_00 19:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Cause because it brought up everything about who I am and and what happened and am I? It was like that oh he really is a pastor, so so I guess I don't know. Yeah, I take yeah, like you know, you have that part of your yes Yeah, your brain of like, well, is that what I was?

SPEAKER_00 19:51

Is that what I am? Well he can still have that title, so what what business do I have?

SPEAKER_01 19:55

But was I was I ever one then? And and and for me, the imposter syndrome was I kept my mouth shut.

unknown 20:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

Because I was too embarrassed to say, Well, I'm not anymore. I used to be, but I'm not anymore.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

Well, yeah, I sometimes I think, you know, whether we consider it blending in or just not speaking up, like keeping quiet because it's just easier.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

It is easier. And that in that moment, it was really easy for me to keep quiet. Even though I should have been bold. I should have spoken up because you know, there is probably opportunities where I could be a pastor at this work if I open my mouth up and say so. But yeah, I am I am fighting the imposter syndrome really bad of like, was that truly real?

SPEAKER_00 20:46

Well, yes, it was. I I know. I don't want to hash it. And you're still in a healing phase of what that looks like and what that looks like going forward. But I I get it. I mean, I'm I mean, it's crazy to think I'm a decade past vocational ministry, even more, honestly. Um but my heart has never changed that I want to disciple people.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:11

I want to make sure that people don't fall through the cracks. I But you're are you are you struggling but you're struggling. Can I call that out? Yeah, yeah, yes. Because we you and I have had conversations about I am struggling, I'm not struggling with my relationship with the Lord. I but I am struggling to feel where I fit in. And for one of I've always felt like I'm a connector of people. Um but when I walk into church, I want to grab somebody new, I want to introduce them. Like if they're not involved, I'm like, I want to connect you with connect you with this person. I mean, for the last, you know, dozen years, no one's paid me to do that. And that's I've never cared. Yeah. Um But it's not I I would be lying to say you leaving your position. didn't put me in a weird position. Yeah. You and I kind of talked about this a little bit beforehand, so this was, you know, uh, but not and in the way of we had such a great dynamic. Yes. There. Mm-hmm. Um I agree. I knew very well where I fit in or where I didn't fit in. I knew if I needed to connect someone, I had everybody on staff's phone number. Yeah. And it was very easy for me to like shoot off a text. And the same way, if anybody on staff needed something, like they knew that I'll ask her, you know, like there was just there was never an issue with an ask. Um, and I felt, okay, I'm not working here. But I still felt very involved and very called and very much a productive person in ministry. I never needed it to be my vocation. Yes. Would I have liked it? Yeah, of course that would have made things easier. Of course, yes. But you know, I I didn't feel unfulfilled in that in that arena. But when you left, um, it's the way it was supposed to be, uh, first and foremost. Um, but the transition of things of new staff, and I don't have an issue with that. I don't have an issue with new staff. No, because it happens all the time. Yeah, this stuff happens, yeah. It's it's very common, very same way that there's revolving doors in any place in most corporate places, it's the same way in a church. People move on, they move on to different things, there's different titles, all of these things. Um, but when you left specifically, um, you were the person I reported to. Yeah. You were the person I felt like, hey, if I saw a concern, I came to you. If I was mad, I came to you. If I was like, man, that was amazing. Like, I came to you. Um, and I don't have that with anyone there now. Um I don't I don't have I don't have community at church right now. Can I ask a hard question? Yeah. Have you tried? So many times. Okay. Uh I will tell you that when I look around my current church right now, and this is not a knock on them, because a lot of this is just a me feeling. So that I just want to be super clear on that. We have tried many small groups. And my husband and I kind of look as we see people every single week of small groups that maybe didn't work out for us, that sometimes when we walk into church, it feels like a museum of failures. Oh. Of failed things, like where I've tried to make relationships happen, you know, and I do. I see people I talk to, I'm very kind and friendly, and yeah, I feel like for the most part, I'm an easy person. They can I can be intense. I get it. Um, and even my husband will be like, I like bourbon, I like golf, I like to watch sports. I shouldn't be that an anomaly of that difficult to get along with. Um, but then we find ourselves in a small group and I think we get excited that something might, you know, pan out and it doesn't. The group dissolves or it splits off, or it's for a limited season. It's just not ongoing. Even the people that we have our deepest relationships with can't commit to that time. And we so desperately want to be in doing life with other couples, um, because I find value in it. Of course. I mean, we're supposed to be built in communities, we're supposed to be surround ourselves with and I can't find it right now. Yeah. And so even when I wasn't finding it in community group, there was a a very sweet season of of a staff that I felt I was getting that from. And I was I felt like I was pouring into as much as I was um giving back. Does that make sense? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 26:02

No, I because I'm pondering and I probably shouldn't say this, and I'm gonna say it. It'll probably get cut, so I'm sorry. And I'm not and I'm not saying it as a as a bad thing. I'm just do you think part of it is because you're still talking with me and we're doing this?

SPEAKER_00 26:23

You can I mean you can be honest. I do f feel that there are a tremendous amount of people who have come up to me um in the community who were like, I love your podcast. It is my new obsession. I love you and Casey together. Your banter is amazing. You guys are so real, so honest. I feel like I am your friend and I'm in the room. I'm laughing in my car with you. Like, I love what you're doing. Yeah. And there was even some staff who identified privately to me that they were enjoying it. I walk into church now, I say hi, I'm saying hi to the same people. I don't feel like it is the same. And I don't know if it's my walls or their walls. Yeah. Um, but I you are someone who left. So you represent something that is no longer part of that future going forward. So do I feel it it plays some impact? Yes. I don't regret it. I if I had to say anything about what I thought 2025 was gonna look like. Not one bit of me thought in the beginning of January we were going to get to have this time, that we were gonna get to have this podcast, even though it had a name, it had a logo, it had, you know, it had a website, it had all of these things, it had a heart, it had had all of these things. I just never thought it was coming this year. And I don't regret it because this has been honestly the highlight of my year is being able to do this with you.

SPEAKER_01 28:10

Well, no, same. Because when when throughout what prophecy prayers throughout my whole entire life, uh one thing has been very, very clear to me is been always said that you have a voice and your voice will be used. Um you you are a pastor and you will be you will be a pastor over this. This is what God has called you to. So when that was was gone, it was very confusing of like, okay, God, this has been prophesized or prayed over or spoken to me multiple times for multiple years, and I don't understand what what's going on. And then when when you approached me and when we started doing this, it was like God was reminding me, okay, it might not look the way that you thought it was going to be, but you are still preaching my word and my and and and my goodness through through the the shitty times that you've had, even in 2025. That and so it was this realization at the end of the year, like, oh my gosh, God, you you it was healing. It's it's been this has been healing for me because it was I st I have a voice that God gave me that He still wants me to use. Well, yeah, amen to that. Which uh for for for a while I did not believe that. And and and even it still creeps up because even as I was talking, even with my new job, it was still creeping up where I kept my mouth shut. Even though God has given me a voice, because you know, I there's there's some there's some you know hurt and damage that I'm I'm working through and I'm I apologize that you are experiencing it through.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

You do not this is the I know but I I uh please hear me. But I think that's all sincerity. It's just you and when you and I went into this, it was like we are gonna be authentic. Yeah we are going to say our feelings. Um talk about what's honestly what's going on.

SPEAKER_01 30:15

Because that's hard with any with any job that you leave or you move or you move out of, it it all it becomes weird because you think that you're gonna have these lifelong friends that you've made for the past you know so many years that you've been at this job, like who are on staff or whatever, and the realization is that's not actually true at all.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

Well, and you know, this doesn't mean be a a a a job. No I mean if somebody in your friend group leaves for whatever reason.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

And you're like, oh, they move out of town, but they move out of town, we're gonna keep in touch. That's not true.

SPEAKER_00 30:45

Your entire friend group is now 100% different. Yes. If the glue of something left, then it falls apart. Yeah. It just isn't the same, and it's hard to recapture that. So I am in a place now where I'm trying to recapture a feeling of something. Yeah. And right, wrong, or indifferent, I I don't know how to how to do it.

SPEAKER_01 31:11

But you're but you're not giving up. You're still going. Oh, I'm every single time. I still go. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

I still volunteer. I'm still very active. Yes. Um your children are. Yeah. But I won't lie, I when I walk in the building, sometimes I go in with a broken heart. Like it just isn't. I think one of the things that I've always done in going into any church or any place where I'm in a serving capacity is how can I and I ask God, like, how can I go in and make this a better place? What do you want me to see? What holes do you want me to fill? What invitation do you want me to give? Who needs a hug? Who needs a word of encouragement? Like, give me your eyes that I can do what you want me to do here. And I won't lie, sometimes I just wish that somebody looked at me and said the same thing, you know, like saw the same need in me. And I don't I don't know if that's selfish. I don't I don't know. I'm just I'm just being really honest. So I I think in having this particular platform that we have of just this kind of raw honesty where we just kind of like, you know, gush whatever's coming out of us at the moment. Um I do, I there's a little bit of imposter syndrome. They're like, I see the numbers, I know people are listening. Yeah. Um, I'm excited. I get, you know, and then like you'll put something on social media and it's like crickets. And I'm like, okay, did I miss the mark? Did I not miss the mark? I don't know. Maybe sometimes I do. But I posted about gluten-free Cheez-Its yesterday in my stores. I kid you not. Uh in no less than 50 people. Like, this is amazing. I'm so happy for you. If you don't know, I've been gluten-free for five years. So gluten-free Cheez-Its actually was really exciting for me. Yeah. But I'm thinking, when I announced this podcast, 50 people didn't reach out to me to tell me how I'm, you know, like I'm so proud of you. But I mean, if 50 people are like jazzed that I can eat Cheez-Its. So there is a little piece of me that I'm like, I don't mind sharing little. I don't, I share. Listen, if you follow me on social media, I share garbage like, you know, well, we took your meetings in the garbage. I mean, but we share with you. We share things about your dog. We share little bits about our family. We just share, we share, we're just overshares, just in general. But I mean, there is like a little bit of uh where I'm like I could be using all of my platform, all of my voice for certain things. And I know if I throw a bone out there of just something, you know, I'm not saying Cheez-Its are worldly, you know, don't hear but what I am saying, I'm like, I'm just I'm noticing the reaction to when I speak boldly and to what I speak about just whatever.

SPEAKER_01 34:02

So it's easier for people to can to to comment on Cheez-Its than it is for people to comment on on God. I get it. On on what on what we talk about because we we you know, we we to sometimes talk around about really hard hard topics, and so not everybody wants to I get it.

SPEAKER_00 34:22

But I do find myself in some situations softening myself to fit in better. Yeah. To not make things awkward.

SPEAKER_01 34:30

I for for for me with like you say imposter syndrome, so like when you're walking in, do you feel imposter syndrome or you feel like you don't belong, or you think those are both the same thing? I don't feel like I don't belong.

SPEAKER_00 34:46

So you feel like okay, I because I don't believe church is a place that anybody doesn't belong in. Yeah, no, I agree with you. You know, and it shouldn't be. Yeah. But I do walk in and I'm like, okay, you put your smile on, put all of the things on, and it's like you it's autopilot. Yeah. And I do think autopilot is being an imposter.

SPEAKER_01 35:07

Oh, I I I agree. But I with my new job, like I I it I it's it I think combination of imposter and I don't belong because I don't know what I'm doing yet, because I'm so new at it. And so I I am at that stage where I'm like WTF.

SPEAKER_00 35:27

Yes. You had sent me something a while back, and I don't know if we talked about this or not, you're like, I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm like, but this is your wheelhouse, and you do know what you're doing, and you will get there, you're learning a new job.

SPEAKER_01 35:37

I am, and it is s so so different from what it yes and no, but you you walk in and and you're meeting new people, and and it is the the fear of so we're in the opposite end of where you're walking into people that you've known for years and years and years and years and years, and you're like, okay, I feel like I'm an imposter, and I'm walking in to a brand new situation where I don't know a single person. Yeah, and I feel like I'm an imposter, and I don't know if I should be there or not. Which I know I like this is all like the crap that's going in my mind. Mm-hmm. I get it. Because I keep Well, that's what you keep on. I mean everything goes back to identity because I keep doubting myself. I keep doubting on decisions I made, I keep doubting on what I'm supposed to be doing and and who God created me to be, and it just comes out in every end of aspect of my life, yeah, including my new role.

SPEAKER_00 36:31

Yeah, I think just I know I'm not a meek person, so to show up in a place and not feel my normal who I am. Like be bold. And it's almost like it's just nobody told me I was stripped of that. No. So this is an enemy thing, just by the way. Like this is not like I just want to be so super clear. Nobody's ever said you're not wanted. It's just my feelings. Yeah. And I'm not saying they're right. I just it's it is what it is. But I can have I can have regular dumb conversation with somebody and get quick applause. Uh no or just or just not applause, but like the feelings of like uh quick uh oh gosh, what's the right word?

SPEAKER_01 37:19

Um affirmations or affirmation.

SPEAKER_00 37:22

Like there's no sacrifice on, you know, like it's just bullshit.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

It is, but why are you why are you like why are you giving me like yes and thumbs ups and hearts and commenting on my cheese and not doing it for things that we're that that you know that we feel God has called us out to.

SPEAKER_00 37:37

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like one of the things that like one of the thoughts that came to my head is like things of like the worldly culture like collapse really quickly. But like the conviction of things that like I want to talk about and I want to be deep with people, it's like the response to that is slow. Yeah. If any. And it makes me want it sometimes. I just kind of feel like I'm an island. And I don't know. I I know people are floating around me. Yeah. Because you're all are listening.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

And then because it's then it's easy to get in your head of like, okay, is it because of the podcast? Is it because I'm still friends with Casey? Is it because of all this and that? And all that stuff is just just worldly things in your head. And none of it is true, but we start making up these stories on why we feel this way or why, why, why am I being meek? Why is no one talking to me? Why? And when we start getting into our own heads, it's really, really hard to get out of our own heads and be like, well, no one else is thinking about that.

SPEAKER_00 38:37

It's just me. And I think maybe, maybe a little bit of it is, yes, it's easy to get like wrapped up and influenced in all of those things and whatever. However, I notice that sometimes I will just like I said, I will weaken myself. Yeah, I will soften myself around the edges because I want to be accepted. I I'm not a fake person, but I'm afraid. Ooh. What are you afraid of? I'm afraid I yeah, there's still a very big piece of me that's afraid. Like, am I qualified? Is that the reason that other things didn't work out? Is it why what about me made me not able to do that in that capacity?

SPEAKER_01 39:34

Yeah. And Because there's there I'm sure that there's things that have been said to you that has kind of rooted.

SPEAKER_00 39:43

Oh, uh yes, yes. And I think that's what's what's hard about this is why we start feeling the imposter syndrome, is because we we can get these these things, these, these side comments that have been said to us that we're like, oh yeah, I just find it like super easy to come in here and we talk boldly about you know uh about our feelings, we talk about our faith, we talk about all these things, but then I might run into you at Costco and it's like I want to hear your thoughts on what we're talking about. I want to hear your thoughts, like I want to know that we are like does this resonate with you?

SPEAKER_01 40:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:20

Do do you feel the same way? I w and I think maybe if I, you know, kind of had the whole small group thing, you know, like we were like chatting and doing all these things and growing together and we're having these conversations. I just don't have it right now. So I have it with you. You do, and I'm so incredibly thankful for that. But there's sometimes I'm like, they're like, oh, I love the podcast. Oh my gosh, but look at your cute shirt. You're like, thanks.

SPEAKER_01 40:47

So it's kind of like I So do are you want are you wanting people to come up to you at church and say boldly, like, hey, this this resonated with me and this is why?

SPEAKER_00 40:59

Well, i church, text, email, I mean, yeah, I don't know, like Morse code. I don't know. I I wanna just I want to be having conversations with anybody. Like I just I want I'm someone who passionately wants to go deep with other people. And the more weird side conversation I mean, because I have a job that is um not Christ-centered whatsoever. Yeah, like I do claim suggesting and I do math for a living now, which should terrify most people who know my math skills. Um thank you for computer programming and that kind of stuff. I'm not actually like, yeah. But I don't get to use any part of my heart, creativity. I don't get to do I talk to people on their worst days of having some sort of an accident. Um and yes, I pray for these people, you know, but not not to their face because I can't. Yeah. Um, so yeah, I want deeper things with people, I want deeper relationships with people. And I don't know if I'm keeping myself at arm's length from people because I'm afraid of being told no, or being put off. Or I don't know. Or I've had all the I've had many people, and I'm speci I'm not calling people out, but I've had so many people who say, We should do lunch, we should do this, and I say, I'm available, blah, blah, blah. And then I get a text uh six, seven weeks later, or six months later, we should do lunch. And I look at our last set of text messages, and it's exactly the same. And I'm like, I work half days on Friday, you know, like I'm available for this, you know, and things don't come to fruition.

SPEAKER_01 42:39

Yeah. And so I start or they reach out because they need you.

SPEAKER_00 42:44

Nobody has an issue to reach out. Well, we've talked about like like, you know, this this before of like I and so I know I'm sensitive to this. I know I'm a I know that my my my Enneagram is the helper. I know that I exist in that way.

SPEAKER_02 43:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:00

Um there's and nothing actually makes me happier than being able to to come in and help someone. I actually have zero issues with that. It's the feeling of okay, I was able to do this for you, but I, you know, what what's next?

SPEAKER_01 43:16

It's is it a one-way relationship where I'm not getting where where it's not an equal equally yoked where we're we're only getting it one way when something is needed, and then all of a sudden I I hear from from people.

SPEAKER_00 43:32

Yeah, I think my imposter syndrome looks like quiet compromise to just have regular conversations when I really want something more.

SPEAKER_01 43:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:41

And that's really vulnerable to to put out there that I'm it's not that I'm disappointed in other people. It's I'm ca because more I'm disappointed in myself, yeah, then I'm not vocalizing that I would that I would like to go deeper with people that I wouldn't want more. But if the second someone puts me at an arm's length, or I feel it or a conversation changes to something really worldly I'm like okay you're shutting me down or I'm not part of the inner circle or I and maybe wanting to be a part of an inner circle is wrong too. So I I can I like there's lots of levels to that of like what part of me what's my motivation in wanting some of these things. But more than anything I just being able to just I'm yeah there's just a lot that I miss.

SPEAKER_01 44:31

So I don't know culture is loud and it's easy to be a part of uh it's easy to fit in uh and conviction I I feel like we are allowed on that here it is not as easy to be allowed elsewhere in a one-on-one you know or you know trying to build that with other people I don't know I do have girlfriends that I I am able to do this with yeah um I don't know I just I think I just don't want to be fake in any capacity I I think people get scared when and not not with you personally. I'm just saying yes yes no sometimes me but I'm just saying like when when we finally let down our guards a as as people and we don't put in like the the fake person it's it's scary. It's scary on both ends. It's scary to to be vulnerable and be like this is this is who I am and when you do it to be like well I'm that that was my example that this is who I am like I'm not gonna change what my voice is what how I communicate who who I am how I lead this this is who I am yeah and um and that that's that's scary because not everybody Yeah I think I'm in a little bit of a place of like okay what's comfortable and what's living my calling.

SPEAKER_00 46:01

Yeah and what does that look like in relationships? What does that look like in what I'm projecting? What does that look like is for me somebody who just I was using the giftings of connecting people. In my opinion I thought I was doing it well and I don't necessarily have that opportunity to do that in that space right now. So what's my calling there? I'm just gonna like do my social media volunteering and you know again I'm telling a story. That's not an insignificant job.

SPEAKER_01 46:34

No it's a very important job and you do an incredible job with it.

SPEAKER_00 46:37

But sometimes it just is like this I show up and I take pictures and I just I sometimes I just I I want to be used more and I don't know if there's an opportunity to do that where I am.

SPEAKER_01 46:52

I would think that you would have to go talk to the new people and say use me. I know and that's scary. It is very scary because what happens if they say no?

SPEAKER_00 47:05

Yeah and I also think I'm being an imposter when I just smile and I say nothing. Which is that also feels very counter to who I am. Yeah. So I don't know am I a peacekeeper or am I a truth teller? Because with you when things weren't going well or honestly with the kind of you were 100% a truth teller to me.

SPEAKER_01 47:24

But we had a relational I think that's different that's the main point of all that you have to have relational capital. If you have zero relational capital and you go go in hot yes saying use me I'm here and then nobody knows you then they're gonna freak freak out.

SPEAKER_00 47:41

Yes and it and it can come I can catch because I I I heard where that that phrase was going to go.

SPEAKER_01 47:46

I caught it I know I almost I almost dropped it I did not drop it. But it it can it can come across you know bold and arrogant and people but because people might not know know who you are and that's and so it is about building relational capital and it is about going on those coffees but you're like hey if I'm I want to go on a coffee to to build relational capital yes say yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:11

And I don't want to just necessarily come in and be loud. No I agree. I but I want to be loyal and I want to feel like yeah I want the relational capital and but I think a lot of people not just at churches will have that use me here are my gifting use me use me and and we get pushed and or they feel like they're getting pushed aside or they're yes and we're I yes I'm I'm using the my position uh place in a church community right now as an example but I mean you could replace this for a friendship group you could replace this for a small group you could replace this with uh a community that anything um yeah I yeah I just I I want more and and part of me was like is that selfish? Because I I've had tremendous relationships with people right now it doesn't feel the exact same um but God has given you more because he's given you this but I freaking feel on fire I know when I'm like I don't know where to put this energy I don't know who to talk to because you want to because you want to go beyond just the podcast.

SPEAKER_01 49:22

Yes. So because God has put this on you and and it's finally happening it's in fruition we're heck we're in season two season two of this and so you want to go beyond that and be like okay people come talk to me because I am on freaking fire for the Lord.

SPEAKER_00 49:37

Yeah and I want to use it more yeah and I know by saying that someone's either going to be like oh my gosh yeah but then again they're maybe they feel the same way but they're in the same place of like I would love to be able to like talk to you more about this but that is super out of my comfort zone to come and approach you.

SPEAKER_01 49:54

Oh well you're saying right now come approach me. Come approach me that's what I'm saying come approach me. Uh and um we when when you step out and you're bold and you're on fire for God it comes at a cost. I know and and the cost is that you could get knocked down yeah by people who who aren't ready or people who don't understand it or or for whatever reason. It's highs and lows we know that yeah so when you are on fire and everything seems to be going great you know sometimes there's other things that are not going so well.

SPEAKER_00 50:40

Yes and I and the other thing is like I could be on fire but I could also get dimmed real easily. I mean it is one person's response and that will hide my light under a bushel. No Do you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 50:57

I and and I man I think that's gonna be uh one of our podcasts if not next week of things that things that have been said to us that have just totally there is so much in my life killed that has shut me down.

SPEAKER_00 51:15

Yeah and it's voices that just echo. I mean you could have a hundred praises and one nasty one and I will it's just so e it's so easy to reach for that.

SPEAKER_01 51:32

It it and it makes you doubt yourself. I mean I in a previous position I was actually told Casey if your job was available we would have never even considered you and so when that is told to you that that's when like for me like the true imposter syndrome really comes into play. And it just then from then on then you're just then you're just doubting yourself the whole entire the whole entire time. And so you know words are can be painful and you know they're all all trying to be loving and kind and however it's said but you know it doesn't matter because we we latch on to those to those words and so um it it's it's it's hard and I think that's probably like a whole so I said it's probably a whole nother podcast.

SPEAKER_00 52:23

It's hard and and I would say and I would say to that it's hard enough to hear that word but I guarantee you that that was already somewhere floating in your brain as something that you were afraid of. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:36

And so when somebody speaks life into a lie that the enemy's already telling you well and then it just stokes that fire of like and because it's I I and because I am a different kind of a pastor I I you know then clearly we are different kind of people. We are I mean but and not much from each other but no but not from but I would say that that's what but just not at my my job that that k and just not that phrase like anything that has been said to us negatively carries on. Like even I can say that growing up even growing up I was you know I was pulled out of my class in sixth grade and I had to go talk to a psychologist and I was playing with blocks and I remember thinking why am I playing with blocks? I'm in sixth grade like this is ridiculous. And and then it it was in my head oh I must be stupid well then I took that that phrasing so then going anywhere where I was around people who were smart or or which is my whole entire family and anyone around me I always felt like okay I'm the dumb one.

SPEAKER_00 53:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:46

And and that still stays with me. Like I I still believe that even though I know it's not true but those those are the things that happened to you that cause us to feel like we're imposters and we can probably look back and I'm sure you can look back in your life of of when like there was a time you were bold and you were saying things for Jesus and and someone was like oh wait a minute no I don't I don't want to hear that and you're like okay I'm gonna be oh gosh.

SPEAKER_00 54:11

Yeah. I I shoot I was even having dinner with my family last night and I was talking about the podcast episode we didn't air and uh I said I'm a little sad because there was this one story that was really funny. I'll save it because it it really was hilarious. Um but had something to do with me public speaking you know oh yes that that story definitely needs to be said again um but even my my my dad said he goes oh he goes well yeah also you're a really fast talker it's hard to follow you oh you know when you're speaking from a stage and I thought and it was he I what 100% know what he's talking about. But it hit me like like we're talking about something that happened 20 years ago. Yeah and uh he doesn't get to hear me speak on a stage very often I don't think my dad listens to this podcast and he's not hurting my feelings um but it was very quick to say you know like there's an issue with the way you use your voice he didn't say it to hurt my feelings. No my dad is somebody who preaches on the regular and so I know that his tone, his inflection, uh everything he preaches is practiced and he's it's over and over again and I am a speak from the heart yeah kind of a person and I could learn a lot from him on um being more polished but it was one of those moments that like he didn't say it but in my in my head it was that part of like you're not qualified. You're not polished. Yeah this is not your true profession. This so this must not be your real calling. You know so I I what he had said was so minuscule but it took me nothing for the devil to put a foothold in like and latch on to it. Not only latch on but let me go deeper. Bring up everything so I I get it um there's all of those things.

SPEAKER_01 56:11

Because all of that I think builds into when we walk into a place who we believe we are and if we let the world if we let culture if we let TikTok define who we are then we're always going to walk in feeling like an imposter feeling like we don't belong so yeah I think today was really just about conversation.

SPEAKER_00 56:34

I mean I I I there's definitely little nuggets of truth in here but I also it is hard to yeah I just relationships are hard. Relationships are hard and you know whether you're in a place where you're building relationships or your relationships with people have changed or your circumstances have changed or you're living a life that just looks so different to what you imagined that it's requiring you to take different steps than what you had practiced.

SPEAKER_01 57:07

Um as always you're not alone and clearly we want to talk to you about yes we we we do and I like our our biggest thing is you have to start with God first.

SPEAKER_00 57:22

Yeah. And and and maybe there's just something selfish that I want to play a role in that and and maybe that's not the role I get to play.

SPEAKER_01 57:28

Maybe people are having conversations outside of this I'm saying right now Stephanie Please someone go talk to Stephanie and tell her how maybe she's like no no no no no because it's really crazy you are it's not about you. But it's not about you personally it's about okay is is are you hearing like are are we are what we're saying and how God is using us is is it working?

SPEAKER_00 57:54

I yeah I think Is that the right word I want I don't know A I want to see fruit yeah and uh I want depth and I don't think I don't think those are selfish wants. No. Um but I also need to be aligned with sometimes you're just part of a story and like you plant seeds and that's that we say that all the time sometimes we don't see the So we don't get to see it.

SPEAKER_01 58:22

We don't get to see the fruit from the seeds we plant.

SPEAKER_00 58:24

So I get it. So that could be something that's just you know I have to live with and that and that's where that lies. So anyway I I don't know where you are um but as we are closing out 2025 and so very much looking forward to 2026 and season two and beyond.

SPEAKER_01 58:39

I'm just asking for no one to be in the hospital because that has been my for the past yeah multiple years I've had someone in the hospital oh goodness starting 20 the the Yeah let's yeah let's not do that.

SPEAKER_00 58:50

I forgot that's how your year started out last year too my gosh I haven't double in the hospital for multiple multiple surgeries multiple days I know so I'm just saying like I just want to I just want to win I'm even afraid to say that I'm afraid to say I'm really afraid to say I want to win I did not win the Powerball. I did not either I didn't pre-Pel in Arkansas whoever good good for you guys wonderful do you want to sponsor this podcast? Do you want to give us a milk? I am teasing well listen we don't take any money we are no no really thankful for this opportunity we're thankful to be there. I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that uh if you don't already follow us on socials, please do. Yeah. Um if you feel like throwing us a bone and engaging with us every once in a while we would love that. If you go to our website kindapreachy.com there is an opportunity if you want to leave us emails um or there's a little microphone in the bottom corner that you can leave us voice recordings and you can let us know hey um I just wanted to say something or um hey I I've got questions or I want you guys to talk about this all of that kind of stuff. But in the end I would just say if following Jesus feels countercultural it's because it is yes it is and uh you're not walking in it alone because you're with us. Yep. So see you next week