Stretchy Pants Lie But God Doesn't

SPEAKER_03 0:04

Welcome to episode three of the Kinda Preachy Podcast. I am your co-host, Steph Moore, and with me is Casey Bryant. We have made it to week three. Woo! Okay. Now, okay, Casey, I need to know because you shared one of your stories last week. Do you feel a little bit like weight off the shoulder that you've gotten one off your chest?

SPEAKER_01 0:26

I do. And also I've shared that story so many times that, you know, for me, it's it's easier every time I I share, but I know I went a little more detail.

SPEAKER_03 0:37

You did. And can I just say I love that because I've heard you tell this story in different capacities, like in groups, I've heard, you know, from the stage, and I've generally heard kind of that stage rehearse version, but you gave us the bestie version, which I appreciated because yes, I am sitting right across from you, but I also listened to it afterwards, and you weren't right across from me. And I still felt your heart strings and how raw it was. And I appreciate that. You were so brave and I was so proud of you.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 1:07

Um, and we've had a lot of feedback of just like wow, that I can't believe she shared that. Well, can I just say right off the top, that's why we do this.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Yes. Is we only share because God I I 100% feel God has called us to, just so that there's other people out there who are like, oh, wait, like, I don't have to be alone in these feelings.

SPEAKER_03 1:31

There are just things that we share because we don't want there to be shame and stigma. Yes. And some of these topics are light and some of them are gonna be heavy. I mean, and we're gonna laugh because things make us uncomfortable, then that's what we do.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

We laugh when we're uncomfortable. Which I totally do.

SPEAKER_03 1:50

Ugh, yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:51

So But I'm excited to hear your story. Yeah. But before we do that, how was your week? Um, I love the segment of our podcast that we like to call highs and low, but I think we should have a new name for it. Yeah, I think we should bring this to the people. Like, give us some suggestions. Like, what do we call it? I I mean, I want to call it what was the crap and what was the good stuff. What about happy or crappy? Oh my gosh, I love that. Happy or crappy. And I mean, I I can go crappy because crappy was you know when you have you ever smelled sewage, raw sewage, in your house? Have that has that ever happened to you?

SPEAKER_03 2:27

No.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

Okay, so I used to we used to have a house with a septic tank. So if it rained for multiple days in a row, it was not not good. But we don't have a house like that anymore.

SPEAKER_03 2:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

And so I'm sitting at my kitchen table, and I that's me sniffing, and I'm like, wait a minute. And Doug happened to be off that day, Monday. I don't know why his school district had a day off, but he was thrilled.

SPEAKER_03 2:55

I know. He coughed, he loved it.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Well, we we were calling plumbers because we had sewage backed up, so we were dealing with literally crap in our basement.

SPEAKER_03 3:06

That is well, it doesn't get crappier than that.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

No, it does not. Plumbing issues are the worst issues to have in a house. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong because anytime you have water leaking or you know, sewage backed up, it is it is uh horrendous. Easy fix. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. It and an incredible plumber. I called one plumber who um who I knew very well from from the church I used to go to, and he unfortunately couldn't make it because he's they're completely being booked. And he but he recommended somebody and he was so kind, and that gentleman was able to get to my house and it's roots. So the roots from our big oak tree and our very old pipes, because I have a hundred-year-old house. So every four or five years, we now we know we have to go in and do something where it gets rid of all these roots so our plumbing can go to where it needs to be, which is not in my basement. Whoa. Okay, I know bad. That that was that was crap. Literally crap.

SPEAKER_03 4:18

Okay, there's your crappy. Where's your happy?

SPEAKER_01 4:20

My happy, uh, my happy was uh Faith had her chilling competitions. The first one we went to this last Sunday, they got second. Yay, go to the biggest. Which is but they were very sad that they didn't win. But I was very proud of her.

SPEAKER_03 4:40

But this is early in the competition. It's early in the competition.

SPEAKER_01 4:43

So they had regionals to to and the winner goes to state and they won. So they beat the team by like a tenth of a point. It was crazy. But they was so proud of her. And so to see them go from, you know, of because they work their butts off the the next couple of days to change routines because that's what they do is they look at the judges sheet, see what the judges say, and then well, you have dancers, so you know this. Like they they will then change completely the routines, which is crazy.

SPEAKER_03 5:15

And we have not started our competition season yet. Oh, you have her dance. So we I think Jan no, December is our first one.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 5:22

I we're only doing a couple this year. Um, she does not compete with her studio, she competes with her school team.

SPEAKER_01 5:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:28

Um anyway, it's a lot, it's very expensive.

SPEAKER_01 5:32

It isn't very expensive.

SPEAKER_03 5:33

That in itself could be my crappy. I'm just kidding. Just the cost of it. What is your crappy? Okay. My crappy is, and I just I uh in fact, I shared this with Casey before um when we first got in here. And my crappy is that I have been on a weight loss journey for, you know, my whole life. Um, that being said, um, perimetopausal weight loss is like the hardest thing I've ever, you know, like physically had to experience, like as far as like just my body is not working. There's lots of people.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

Because you just can't do it, you have to do it all. You just can't exercise and lose a weight, and you can't just change your diet.

SPEAKER_03 6:11

You have to do all no, I'm no, like I've been able to lose weight in the past. Um, but like I've got I've got things going on. There's some hormonal things, PCOS, there's just there's just stuff going on. But things have not been working the same way. I finally got on a GLP one, which this isn't to say yay or nay towards that. It's just like this was like a last ditch effort for me to try and get my body to to work. And um I I have lost weight. That being said, I am looking at my Apple Watch every day. I've set these goals and I'm like, okay, I'm closing my rings every single day. And I went to get in the shower last night and I'm going to take my watch off and I realize I'm like three calories away from being burned from hitting my goal.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Isn't that just laughing hard? Can't you just laugh hard?

SPEAKER_03 6:58

Yeah, well, you'd think. So I move my arm around a few times and, you know, kind of like swinging it around. And um and then I start jogging. Yeah. Then I start just me and molasses. Um, I then realize I'm naked and looking in the mirror. And as I am hopping around, it was the worst side I've ever seen. There was jiggling things from all directions, and it was truly horrifying. That being said, um, I will move that into my happy because I got on the scale today. I weighed in at 181. I don't why am I sharing all this with you guys? I don't know. But just to know you are listen, it's it's it's who we are. Um, I started at 215, a little over three months ago. Yeah. Um, working my tail off.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

181 feels like I'm so jealous because I'm in similar. Yeah. So about four months ago is when I started and I weighed in at, I think I was 215 too. I know. I was 215. The wavelengths that, you know, we are. But I'm at one, I weighed in today, I'm at 192.

SPEAKER_03 8:03

So I am so close to the next one. I think anytime you get to that, the the lower end of a number.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

I showed all of you how much we weigh, which is like as a woman, you're your nervous issue. So your age I know 47 and I weigh 192 pounds. But is for it's frustrating because it's not coming off as fast as I want it to. Yeah. And also I have to be totally patient about it. And I have zero patience when it comes to but the one the one good thing is like this is I mean, we've talked about this before, and this is probably be a great episode. Is like my my husband still looks at me with all of my roles and still thinks I've got to be a little bit more. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_03 8:47

Now, I did call my husband today, which you know, he has seen me try this one pair of jeans on. I've tried them on once a week. Um for how long? Probably three months. Since I've started this journey, it was like it was my smallest pair of jeans that I have kept. Uh my my smallest pair. I mean, there are 14 that run a little on the small side. Okay. So I have tried for, you know, once a week to try and pull, and I couldn't get it up my booty, you know, like three months ago. Um I'd say like maybe three weeks ago, I got them on, but I couldn't zip them. And today, last week I got them on. I got them zipped, but I was like, we we can't sit down. We are uncomfortable. This is yeah, that's this isn't gonna work. So I'm like, okay, just torture myself, try them on today. And I zipped them and I'm like, oh my gosh. You're wearing them. I think I am wearing them. I I am wearing them. I I mean, listen. I mean, you look hot. You know what? You look, I mean, honestly, you not you look really good. I feel like hot stuff in my size 14 jeans right now, like, because that's just who I am and where I am right now. And I just had to take a moment today. I'm like, you've worked really hard, and it's okay to be proud of this.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

You should be proud of it.

SPEAKER_03 9:57

Even though it's not the ideal, it's not, I don't think people are like, oh my gosh, if I could be only slightly plus size. Be like, I know, doctor, I am still obese. I get it, but I'm not as obese as I was the other day. I know. I look and I'm like, I don't think I'm in, I think I'm just I'm almost just to the obese category.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

Yeah. Not like really obese. That was a shocker the first time I went to the doctor and that was on. And that was on my on my chart. Obese. Yeah. I was like, what what? You just called me obese.

SPEAKER_03 10:30

Yeah, I think I'm I think when I get to 175, I think I'm just overweight. It's okay. It's okay. You know, we all have our goals. And I don't know if I'll ever get out of this category or not.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

You know, everyone's going and trying to search us right now and see what we look like.

SPEAKER_03 10:49

I'm gonna post a full body picture for you. Um it will not be. With clothes, with clothes. I will not my nudie jiggle bits. That will I don't want anyone to say.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

But I will you the funny thing is this morning as I was getting ready, I purposely made myself get ready without clothes on to look myself in the mirror. Just so I could because I do the same thing. I I I look away, like I I can't, or I'm fully dressed, and I'm like, I need to somehow be happy with my body, even though I'm still upset with my body.

SPEAKER_03 11:20

I have been taking progress pictures, but they're clothed. You know, I mean I'm kind of showing like a little bit of like my stomach because I just think it's like just honest. But I have lived my last few years in just stretchy pants. I those things are from the devil.

SPEAKER_01 11:35

I'm because they're so comfortable and you just don't know.

SPEAKER_03 11:38

I probably have 10 pairs of like black leggings, flares, you know, things of that nature, yoga pants. Um, yeah some are more sporty exercise, some I wear to work every day. And when I took this job, and I guess I've been here for I don't know, it's probably been 18 months now, which is kind of crazy. Um, but I I had no idea that I'd gain 20 pounds. And my pants lied to me because like they kept fitting.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

Because that's what happens with stretchy pants. They do, they are big fat lions, they make you feel like you're not gaining weight.

SPEAKER_03 12:10

So And if you wear like oversized sweaters, and in the same way, I have, as I've been losing weight, these said stretchy pants still fit, and I've been really angry about it. So stretchy pants. So I've been forcing myself to put jeans on, and I've not been happy about it, but um these particular jeans, they don't have any stretch to them. So um it was a fantastic. It was a real like, yeah, still have the apron belly, it's still not great, but I am I I'm not gonna lie, I was feeling myself. I put makeup on today. I did the whole nine yards. Um, I was feeling it today. Okay. So I I touched on a little bit of well, we touched on many stories.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

We did touch on many stories, but I the one that because I don't think I've ever heard it is the one with when you said um the birth of Sam. Okay. So is that the one that we're talking about? Yeah. Okay, great.

SPEAKER_03 13:07

Let's talk about that one.

SPEAKER_01 13:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 13:09

So I've never heard it. Okay. I I mean honestly, okay. So I have told this story. I've actually taught, I've spoken at women's conferences on this exact story. That being said, since you all are now my best friends, since I just share everything now. Well, they have to be my best friends because I just shared like the worst part of whatever. Yeah. Um so I'm gonna share more detail on this of just kind of the context of what was going on in all sorts of my life at this point. So uh, so Sam is 16 now, okay. We started trying to get pregnant pretty much right after I'd had a lineup. Um and I had moved jobs. We went from the smaller church, uh, smaller denominational church. I had gone to a medium-sized, you know, but definitely much larger church, um, much more spirit-led, just different. And I I fell in love with Jesus in an entirely different way than I had ever been raised in. Um slightly charismatic, but honestly, like just this opening presence of the Holy Spirit that was just so welcome.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

What does charismatic mean? I'm asking for all of our listeners out there who may not know.

SPEAKER_03 14:29

When I say charismatic, I mean there there could be a lot of things here, but I would just say the the welcoming of the Holy Spirit. Okay. Um, it's an invitation. I I will tell you that when I was raised, and I I was raised in the church, and I was raised to pray. However, everything was really liturgical. And by that mean, I mean we opened up our hymn books, turned a page blah, blah, blah. And on the second Sunday of Epiphany, I know exactly what Bible verse we're going to read. I know what the Old Testament verse is going to be, I know what part of the gospel we're going to read, I know what probably hymns we're going to read. So it was really like I just I knew what was happening. Okay. Um moving to churches that are maybe a little more topical, maybe have series. Um, but this idea of welcoming the Holy Spirit as opposed to I knew about the Trinity growing up, but we referred to it as the Holy Ghost. Yep. And then there wasn't really an invitation for that. And I remember hearing, I well, I was having Holy Spirit experiences at a young age that were really counter to anything I was experiencing going to a Christian school, um, going to this Christian church. And it was like, I feel like an oddball here. Like I'm having these feelings of flutters and things of just I knew that in my prayer time, that like I was I'm reciting the Lord's prayer, I'm like, I was just feeling this call to just like dump my guts out on the table here and just lay it all down. And that was just not how people prayed that I knew. So this church that I ended up working at um and attending and absolutely loved, and let me just preface this again. If we have not said this today, we will say this always. When we talk about church stories and uh here's the, you know, the hurt stuff by some people, um, it doesn't mean we don't love them. Yeah. It doesn't mean um we haven't been one of them. Um so if you hear something that comes out slightly negative, um, it was the experience. We grew from it, it came from a place. I don't always understand it. Yeah. Um, but it doesn't mean we're ever anti-church.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

No, I mean, because even my story, my story, it was the church that that brought me through and where I was able to hear from Jesus and and learn about Jesus.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

So I kind of just kind of preface that of kind of where we were at this point. So I'm working for a church. Um, Elena is four at this point, and we had been trying to get pregnant for close to four years.

SPEAKER_01 17:05

So soon after you were like, I was like, oh yeah, right.

SPEAKER_03 17:09

Well, it it took a while. I mean, it took a year to get pregnant with her. We had uh one confirmed loss at that point, and prior after that, we had had what's referred to as a chemical pregnancy, where essentially you test positive and before really you even have a doctor's visit, you you start bleeding. Okay. I don't want to be too graphic, but I mean, you know, had you not been testing early, it might not have ever been caught.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

Got it.

SPEAKER_03 17:36

As a as a miscarriage. So it's I I I want to be super sensitive of that that that topic. But we knew that we were trying and trying, and it wasn't really happening. Um, I'd been diagnosed with um PCOS polycystic ovarian syndrome. I had been on a tons of meds, um, different fertility meds to try and get pregnant. I should tell you at this point, my husband is a teacher and I am working for a church. So we are we're broke as a joke. Um there just isn't a lot. So throughout this time, I am trying to get pregnant. Um we would save to go on these fertility treatments, the ones that we could afford.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:21

And there was Clomid at one point, which was not really a well covered under our insurance.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

That our first is a Clomid baby.

SPEAKER_03 18:29

So, you know, we finally save, you know, to be able to cover this medication. And for the those people who it covers, great. For us, it it to spend a couple hundred dollars on a medicine that wasn't essential to saving my life. Yeah, no, was a sacrifice at this moment.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

Especially when, you know, we're taught just pray and pray. Well, maybe you're taught I wasn't, but you know, I hear that of like if you just pray, you know, it will happen.

SPEAKER_03 18:56

Yeah, but I I I gotta be really honest. I was raised in the church. I was never honestly truly taught to pray with expectation. Really? Yeah, side sidebar. I mean, pray because pray for God's will. Yeah. You know, that's kind of, you know, like I couldn't put mm, I I I tried not to pray selfishly. That's kind of what I got out of growing up in that, that that wasn't praying for yourself was a little bit selfish. Okay. Now, did somebody say like praying for yourself is selfish? No, they didn't. It was how I took things in.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 19:33

But here I am, I'm at this church, and I have my lovely daughter. She's four, she's beautiful, and I felt so guilty for wanting more. And I don't know if you've ever gone through infertility, if you're listening, if you've ever gone through trying to get pregnant. Um, all you see are pregnant people when you were trying and it's not working. And you can imagine, you know, working in children's ministry. Um, I'm just, there's just bellies bumping into me all day, um, every weekend. And I was having a hard time. And in this season, there is uh, they have this kind of budget meeting, okay? And they come to me and they said, We are ready to not make this a part-time position anymore. So you're working part-time. So I'm also working part-time. And so you're like, oh, I'm going full-time. Part-time at like 34 hours. Okay. Part-time. Part time with no benefits. Uh-huh. Um, okay. So are you thinking, okay, I'm going full-time with benefits? I'm thinking I'm going full-time with benefits. Okay. Okay. So I'm thinking this is they're telling me this, this is the way that it's going. And this is the first church you ever worked for? This is the second. Second church you've ever worked for. This is the second. And I'm going in and I'm feeling good, and my bosses say, Let's take you out. They're gonna take me out to lunch. And I So this is the this is the moment. So I should say there's not an official application.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

There's not like official, like Oh, I my assumption is you're being given the job. Like you're taking you out to give you this job to celebrate.

SPEAKER_03 21:16

Yeah. I don't even know what I thought, okay? Well, okay. I'm thinking for you. No. You're thinking for me. At this point, I don't know. So we go in and we go to this lovely restaurant. Uh, if you are in the northern Kentucky area, Mai Thai, um, enjoy it for me because I can't go back. My bosses sit me down. Uh I have two male bosses at this time. And I will tell you, I think the world of these two men. Yeah. I did not this day. So, but let me just tell you, I love these men. They have been spiritual leaders and champions and have prayed for me. Um so when I tell you this story, I don't want if you know me in real life to be like, no way.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:55

We all okay, let me just tell you what they said. They sit me down and they said, Um, we're not interviewing you for this job. Oh. And let me tell you why. Oh. Um, you are young, and you probably um are um wanting to have more children, and we have already hired two other people in their 20s, and they are in areas of struggle, and we do believe it's due to their age, and we are not looking to promote anyone young right now, especially someone who's fertile and obviously wants to have more children.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

They did not say someone who is fertile.

SPEAKER_03 22:43

Mm-hmm. Fertile was used. Did they but did they know? Now, what you also need to know was not one of them knew of my infertility. Unless you were my closest friends, you did not know what was happening. Um, I did not bring it to work. We weren't the even though like we shared prayer requests and that kind of, you know, like it was never pre like that was never, it was just their assumption I probably want to have more children. They were right. I did. But you just couldn't get pregnant. I just could not get pregnant. And so they tell me that they already have someone in mind, and she's in her fifties and is not married, and they can she can give full attention to the position. And um, that was probably the route that they were gonna go down, and um that I was gonna get a raise.

unknown 23:35

I never saw that raise.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

Yeah. Did you stay? I did. For how long? Three more years. Wow. So why did you stay? Because I would think most women in this situation would be like a big middle finger and walk away. I loved that job. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 23:59

Favorite job I've ever had in my life. Uh I I think I touched on last week that it I was devastated to leave. I was devastated. And I was more devastated because I just knew I wasn't supposed to be there anymore. It had nothing to do with me not loving what I did, the people that I worked with, the people that I was serving, the people who poured into me. Like I I just knew it was time. So even after hearing So they're telling me this. Um, and I'm I shot out of that parking lot. I've drove right to my best friend's house, and I don't know if any words came out. It was guttural snot, snobbing, snobbing.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

Yeah, I know what you mean.

SPEAKER_03 24:41

You know what I mean.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

Snotting, sobbing.

SPEAKER_03 24:43

At the same time. Is that a new word? Snobbing?

SPEAKER_01 24:46

Snobbing, I like it. Okay. Because it's as that that happens.

SPEAKER_03 24:49

It was ugly. And I don't even know if I had any words. And she was well aware. And I think I got was, you know, just basically hiccuping, you know, words of babies, no job. Yeah. I don't know how sure I she's comforting me. I'm sure she I don't think she knows what she was comforting at that point. Uh-huh. And I had to kind of gather myself. Um within a few weeks, they did end up hiring this new person. Okay. Who was going to be my boss.

SPEAKER_01 25:15

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 25:16

And everybody still at church doesn't know what's happening. And we are having our staff meeting. So our very next staff meeting, um, she is she's going to be coming, then they they announce her at the staff meeting. Now, okay, this is like going to be a little kind of preachy in the way of when I say cancer. When I say there are some things that are just really churchy, and it just it is what it is.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 25:42

We were having soaking prayer that day.

SPEAKER_01 25:45

Okay. I have no idea what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_03 25:48

That meant we were having a staff come in. It wasn't really a so much of sharing things. We were just gonna pray together for a few hours in the same room while somebody is playing music. Why why is it called soaking prayer? It yeah. We just caught can't you just call that prayer?

SPEAKER_01 26:10

We we could. We could, but we didn't.

SPEAKER_03 26:13

And you know what? I love me some soaking prayer. I looked forward to these.

SPEAKER_01 26:17

I'm it it's some of my favorite time, is when it's just a day full of prayer and worship. So that's that's what it was. I feel like that's a little different than what I'm thinking. I and also when you say soaking, I think that we're like there's a bathtub and that we're just putting prayers in water and letting them dissolve. Or we're sitting in a bathtub. Are we washing feet? Are we sitting in a bathtub?

SPEAKER_03 26:40

Like, what is going on? Like, I don't understand what there is soaking. There is no water involved. And also Okay. If you were if you're on TikTok and you and I've told you that I am from Utah, the home of the Mormons, soaking also has a very different meaning for that. Casey's looking at me like she has no idea. I don't, I don't want to be the one to tell you all this. Okay, then what we're just gonna go. I don't know, but now I feel like I have to.

SPEAKER_01 27:04

Um I was gonna let you like just skip right over this. I know, I know, I know. If you want to bring it in, you can.

SPEAKER_03 27:12

Obviously, premarital sex, not an okay thing in um Mormonism. I would say most Christian religions. Um there is a a confirmed practice with it kind of golly. I feel like maybe you should just say go Google it and then we'll I don't want to, I don't, I don't know. I don't know. Okay. So the thought is is that if we are going way off track, but this is hilarious. Somebody there is, you know, a male who puts it in. Okay. But if he doesn't do anything. I'm not like, I just because I know I know this conversation is going into a position a way that I never thought we were gonna go. So if he doesn't move, that is soaking. And what they will do is they'll have somebody under the bed, a third person, and they'll put some motion to the ocean. This is a real thing, guys.

SPEAKER_01 28:22

Oh no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I do not want to make fun of the Mormon church.

SPEAKER_03 28:26

They're this I this is not a this is not an every Mormon thing. This is a uh predominantly on, you know, uh campuses. Okay, well, this might just totally be cut from our podcast. It might be. It might be. That is soaking. Okay. For those who wanted a little more insight on what to living in Utah was like, that was a thing. It still is a thing. Okay. I have not participated, but that's different than soaking prayer. D very different than soaking prayer. Okay, how do I get back onto this?

SPEAKER_01 28:57

Okay, so you so you guys were praying all day. You all should I am so beat red right now.

SPEAKER_00 29:03

I just can't believe you said that on our podcast. With motions. You were motioning me like you were not bad.

SPEAKER_03 29:17

I didn't do that motion, by the way. Not like you were like pushing the bed up. I didn't know what motion I thought I was doing.

SPEAKER_00 29:24

Oh gosh, oh my gosh. I'm so embarrassed. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 29:31

Oh boy. Okay, okay, okay, back to soaking prayer. Okay, we're praying. We're praying. Yes. In this, we are all just kind of like in our own spots. It's not like we're all like, you can kind of roam around the room. And I remember sitting in a chair, and I am so angry at God. I am so angry. Because of the job, because of the children, because of the child. Because of the infertility. For all the reasons, I'm feeling so disconnected from God right now. And normally with these times of just kind of this these extended prayer times, it is my very favorite thing that we get to do.

SPEAKER_01 30:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:12

And I have this feeling that there is something slithering inside of my body. Uh when I tell you that I have never felt overcome by the enemy more than at this moment. Which by the way, when there were several things that you said in your story, that I'm like, my story has nothing to do with it, uh, with your story, but some of the commonalities of feeling spiritual oppression, you know, what Doug was feeling, like, this is the first time I have ever felt like my voice was being choked out, my thoughts were being choked out. Um, I can only explain it like it felt like a snake had overtaken my body. And just slithering into every corner, and I'm bawling. There's no words. There's there's no words, and there's other people who will just come around and just will pray for you. You don't have to. Um, but this guy um I'm I'm gonna use his name because he's no longer with us. Rest in peace, Dave King. Um, Miss You, uh tremendous man of God who just spoke wonders into my life. He comes up to me and uh he says some words that touched me deeply.

SPEAKER_01 31:42

But I was not ready to hear them. Are you able to share what he said?

SPEAKER_03 31:47

You don't have to if you don't want to. Here this is what's interesting about this is that I was in such an oppressed place that while I was hearing his words, I actually felt my body rejecting them. Which is really embarrassing, you know. Like it's hard to admit that you know my body was fighting, like every part of me was fighting hearing somebody pray for me.

SPEAKER_01 32:13

It was a seed that was planted because you went back to it.

SPEAKER_03 32:16

Yeah, yeah. And that was a little so even in that moment, I was not fully getting what Dave was saying and and praying over me. What I was hearing was seeds planted, which you just said seeds planted, which is wild. I don't don't cry. Um to myself, I'm telling myself that don't cry. Um he was telling about these seeds. And um he said they're good seeds, Stephanie. They're good seeds. And everything I was feeling in that moment was that um the word barren, and the enemy just prior to him prior to Dave coming, all I could hear was barren and bad seed. That's all I heard over myself. I'm trying to break out of it, but all I'm hearing is you're broken. That was not the voice of Lord. That was not the voice of God. No, no, no. Um, but the enemy had really just he had he had tightly grasped onto me in that moment. And then another um woman comes up to me, and she says, I need to say something to you because I got a word from the Lord, and it's like the no-no that you say, you don't say this. Like when if you're praying for somebody and you get a word or a picture and in any way is indicative of pregnancy, you don't say that to that person. You could be wrong. Yeah. She puts in and she does not know of our infertility struggles. Um, she puts her hand on my back, and then she puts her other hand on my belly. Ooh. It's a it's a yeah, yeah, yeah. She says, I'm supposed to tell you that he's putting good fruit in you. And here I am thinking, you have no idea that I can't get pregnant. And you have no idea that I've just been passed over for a job, you know, because in my mind I'm like, if good fruit can't mean uh another child.

SPEAKER_01 34:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:27

In my brain, good fruit is going to be what I'm doing in my job.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:33

Um, and here I'm thinking, you know, so she says this, and again, I end up getting up and leaving. And just just not a great season, okay? So you had two people who told you two people come up to me and say this. And you reject it. I rejected it.

SPEAKER_01 34:55

I well, I mean, I did the same, similar. I mean, right? Yeah. You don't believe it. You don't believe it. You don't believe it.

SPEAKER_03 35:02

Um, because all I'm hearing is you're barren, you're a bad seed, and you're unworthy of having this, you know. And a little bit of time passes, and I mean like a short period of time. And I wake up and looking in the mirror, and I think, I think my breasts look bigger. If you thought I was going to have something really insightful there, I'm just, you know, this is this is where this is. That's why I understand that. I I look. Now I'm not thinking pregnancy, because what you also need to know is during this whole Clomid season, my husband has broken his shoulder. Oh. Yeah, you just had to have shoulder surgery. Yeah, that makes it a little bit difficult. So our um to make a baby. Our times for this have, you know, certainly not frequent. Yes. And um not timing did not go well for all saving to buy this thing.

SPEAKER_01 36:05

We're talking about you and Matt's sex life right now.

SPEAKER_03 36:07

We talked about yours a minute ago. It's a true story. It's a true story. So apparently that's a theme. I know. I don't I told Matt he wanted to listen, and maybe I don't want him to now. Well, he can listen.

SPEAKER_01 36:17

Hi, Matt.

SPEAKER_03 36:20

So this is kind of the season that we're in. Yeah. And um, so but I look in the mirror and I thought, that's weird. That's weird. And I go to bed. Uh, and I wake up in the middle of the night, and I am here like take a test. I am almost laughing because if you knew how many pregnancy tests I've taken over the course of four years. Yes. But I all I have is like these breasts feel slightly, slightly larger. I have nothing else. I don't I don't feel pregnant anyway, but I, you know, I go to my stash of pregnancy test and you have you had a stock. You had a whole stack off. If you have tried to conceive, yes, you just buy the bulk. It's a lot, you just buy them in bulk.

SPEAKER_01 37:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:07

Um and it wasn't like a nice test at a, you know, it was like a little strip, you know, like doctor's office, you know, sort of a situation. And I'm squinting, you know, and I'm turning every light on, I'm holding it up to our bathroom light, and I'm like, I swear there's a line there. So I did the only logical thing I could do is take another one. Oh, yes. And then I do the whole thing and I'm like, this is positive. And I'm shaking, like, this can't be real. This can't be real. And you know, all those really cute things that you see people do to announce their pregnancies or like tell their loved ones.

SPEAKER_00 37:41

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 37:42

Um, I start shaking him violently. And he's did not shoot out of bed, you know. No. Uh, this was not, you know, the same thing. Um, and I I can't reiterate enough. We've been trying for four years.

SPEAKER_00 37:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 38:00

He wakes up finally, and I said, You're not gonna believe this. I'm pregnant. We're pregnant. And I'm bawling and he goes, I know. And he falls back asleep.

SPEAKER_01 38:09

What? That is not the reaction that I wanted. Uh uh, nor I. Well, of course. Nor I.

SPEAKER_03 38:16

That's not what I thought. What do you mean he knows? I'm pissed. I am like, four years, buddy. This is not, this is not how this moment is supposed to be.

SPEAKER_01 38:28

Hugging me. Yeah. But then like be like, oh no, I can't because you're pregnant.

SPEAKER_03 38:32

So like I want So I do the only logical thing again, is after like 45 minutes, I go when I start beating him with a pillow. And I'm like, Wake up. Did you not hear me? Did you not understand? Like, this is I'm pregnant. And now he shoots up. Oh. And he says, I know. And I'm like, buddy, but they still say manser. It was kind of a manser, you know. Yeah. Oh, you know, I don't even know if that's a word either, but I'm making words. I'm making words up all over the place. He kind of mansered me and I was like, I I don't know what it you were trying to pull here, but I I'm in disbelief and I'm shocked. And he said, God told me I had a dream last week that you were gonna tell me that you were pregnant. No. Now, my husband, who has been a believer as long as I have, you know, kind of grew up in the same, you know. And to hear that he had been praying about this, you know, the same, kind of the same thing of like, whoa, wait a minute. I don't understand. I don't I thought I was kind of driving the train with spirit spiritual, you know, stuff in my household.

SPEAKER_01 39:50

And you were this you thought you were the spiritual leader in this.

SPEAKER_03 39:52

I didn't want to be. Yeah. But if it was, I was gonna, you know, like that's the way I, you know, that's kind of where we were. When I heard that not only had been praying, that he had felt like he was hearing from the Lord, and now this thing that we have been praying for is seeming to be a reality. I broke again. And I just start bawling. And I was like, if you fall asleep again, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Fast forward just a little bit. We're at our first ultrasound appointment. And I go in very confident of my dates because I'm like, you know, when you're also trying to conceive, everything is charted. I'm taking my temperature, I'm doing like the full, the full send. And I go in and I said, This is how many days? This is like, this is my due date. And they're, you know, so it's an early ultrasound. And um, they they give me the date, and I said, No, no, that's not right. Oh, that's that's that that's not possible. Um the date that they gave me of conception, which they say early ultrasounds are very accurate, uh-huh, is the date that I was in the prayer session when someone came up to me and put their hand on me and said, God is putting good fruit in you. Oh, that happened literally that night. I'm not saying Missy got me pregnant. No. I'm not saying this was an immaculate conception. This was just the Lord saying, like, I was in this. Yeah. This was my timing. It didn't matter how long it took me, how many drugs that we had to take, how many cycles we went through of disappointment. It didn't matter what my plans were or what I thought the perfect spacing for children should be. Yes. Um, he's like, I got a better plan. And um then when we found out what it was a boy, I was con also I was convinced it was a girl. Um, which I did not uh you know, you kind of just start thinking of names and this kind of stuff. So that like 20 weeks, when they tell me it's a boy, like the name that we had picked out, um he was gonna be Beckham. You know, that was like that was that was what that was that was what the name was gonna be. I would that's that was it. And we both come out of the ultrasound room and we look at each other and we said, His name is Sam, isn't it? He said, He's a Samuel. And if you know, if you grew up in the church, then you know the story of Hannah, who, you know, cried out and said, This if you just let me conceive this child is yours. Yeah. And um, and that's how that's how we have our Samuel. And um I knew So what was the pivotal, like what how did this pivotally change your I mean I can I can only assume, but I want you to to be clear on like, okay, how did this change your direction and and so the change of direction was, you know, I thought I was going to have, you know, obviously I was still trying. I had this moment of okay, I can't have more kids. Yeah. I will fully dedicate myself to working. This is what I'm going to do. And everything felt like we were being prepared for this job. Yes. Didn't work. I thought I was fully preparing to try and have another child. It wasn't working. I was fully prepared to try and do things on my own. Everything I've tried to do on my own in that season, I had to have been broken out of me. Like, you don't get to have this your way. And I also, I don't know, when you're trying to get pregnant and it's not happening, um, it's about as unsexy as soaking, I would say. Oh my gosh. We're gonna lose our clean rating. Um we are. We are. I it's just it's it's a difficult season, and your marriage is struggling uh bad during that season. And there we were. Um, so the pivot for for me was just I it was in that moment that I just realized that, like, you know what, it doesn't matter how good you do things, how well you pray for them, how well prepared you are for something. Um, it didn't matter how good I would have been at that job. It didn't matter the the age spread. It was this was this was the timing. This was the plan. Wasn't mine, but it couldn't be more perfect. And I cried every day for at least two years after I had him. Just tears of joy. Um I feel that way about all my kids, but of course. Uh but for that one, I I really just couldn't look at him and think anything other than just utter joy.

SPEAKER_01 45:23

So um, I hope you enjoyed our But I think that's what I love about our our stories. Is one, they're totally different. Yeah. But they're all they're all God's story. Yeah. And that's why it's I feel it's so important to share. And it's why we want to hear from other people and their stories. And they don't have to be these big, huge stories of, you know, of confessing affairs or infertility. They can be as simple as um Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:53

I mean, where you just feel like you're going on one path and nope, you're on another one.

SPEAKER_01 45:57

Yep. Um, so well, we're grateful if you're still with us. We are so grateful that you listen. We hope that you do um share your stories. We also hope that if you really liked this, you know, our stories or one of our stories that you will share them with somebody who you think needs to hear that. Because we believe that somebody needs to hear that they are worthy and they aren't their worst mistakes. Because a lot of times that's what we think that um we are our worst mistake, and that's far from truth.

SPEAKER_03 46:27

Absolutely. All right, until next week. Until next week. All right, keep it kind of preaching. All right, have a good week.

SPEAKER_01 46:40

We're talking over each other. No. Man, we are all over it today. Okay. Do we want to start over one more time? I don't know. Do we just want to keep going with it? I guess we gotta start over because you said I were gonna start over.

SPEAKER_03 46:51

We're gonna start over one more time. Damn it. Oh, Elena, we're two and a half minutes in and we suck.